BPDFamily.com

I received this text from my soon to be xBPDw:

I miss the boys. I miss their smiles, laughs, bickering and even stinky feet. I miss their smells, their blankets and their cuddles and kisses. I’m not trying to bother you. I’m just trying to tell you I miss them. I know I made this choice to come home. As a parent I just want you to know I miss them and love them with everything in me.


I have been NC for a month, except for pressing matters with our boys. Our boys have been declining to speak with her when she calls each night to speak to them. She cried over the phone with my mom, saying that she thinks she is losing them, that they are growing and missing everything.

She will have been gone for a year tomorrow.

I have not responded to the message. Not going to be part of another pity party. Yes, she admits that she left, but she still blames me as if she had to abandon us and move 1000 miles away.

In some deep chasm of my soul, I want to feel for her and acknowledge what she has said, however I know it is not worth the battle it will create. As I know in some way anything I say will be thrown up in my face.

She did do this to herself.

Hi udonnome81,

I think that she wants you to coax the boys into talking to her, she's calling every night and you said if you call her she doesn't answer she's the one that has to initiate the call when she feels like it.

So all three boys don't want to speak to her? Maybe they'll feel differently later on and want to talk to her. This has to be really difficult on your family when their mother abandoned them. I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to this forum.

The 3 year old is the only one that will talk to her every day.

I’m so sorry, udunnome81,  how incredibly tough. I’m glad you have found BPD family because it’s a safe place to get support and give support.

A year is a long time to be gone.  I’m sure she is missing a lot.  What led up to her leaving?   

It sounds as if you are managing.  How are you doing? 
 

Wishing you blessings and peace,

Mustbeabetterway

She says she was unhappy... .she had entered and emotional relationship with someone back in her home town.

Me I've been handling pretty well, today has been really hard. I went to church this morning and, at church, we are starting a 4 week marriage and relationahip track. It got me thinking, and like a fool I reached out and broke NC. I told her that the things she said in the divorce paperwork really hurt, but that I have forgiven her for what she has done to me.

She used it to slap me in the face saying g she has forgiven me too, and that I just never saw the terrible things I did to her.

Oh well, I tried. My feelings are my own, and I guess I just need to live with the fact that I loved a woman unconditionally for 15 years, when in all reality she didn't care at all.

Obviously it's been a rough day. Sorry, no one needs my pity party. I am doing better than it seems. I have a lot of strength and even writing this, I know that I am ok and our boys are safe.

The feeling that my emotions, needs, & wants are unimportant to those around me, is something that I am still working on. I still feel guilty for wanting anything for myself, as if it makes me a bad person.

Hi udunnome81,

I can tell that you have a lot of strength.  Don’t worry, we don’t think of expressing your troubles as a pity party.  You have a right to your feelings and if you feel sad, it’s ok to acknowledge that.  A lot of members  post about their feelings and feel better after getting it off their chests.

Don’t beat yourself up over contacting your wife.  You may actually get some closure from that and be able to move further down the healing path.

It is not selfish to want to be heard and to consider your needs to be important.  You are important, you are the only you that God created.  He loves you unconditionally, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

Wishing you blessings and peace,

Mustbe

Dear udunnome81-
I want to echo Mustbe’s statements... .our friends come here for support of OUR emotions and feelings... .in ways that other people cannot or will not support us.  So please, express everything you need to express - that doesn’t lessen your strength.  And in this community, self expression and self-reflection is most certainly NOT seen as a “pity party”.  We help one another see things more clearly.  And this is a safe place to vent without judgement.  No judgement.

Understanding that you as a man and a human being have a right to feel your feelings and express your feelings in a healthy way is so important.  And this is something you’ll WANT to pass on to your sweet boys.  Many of us have been forced to stuff our feelings down and have lost our voices in the process.  For years... .and that is NOT what we want for our children.

I was silenced for years, and am more muted now than ever (not due to BPDbf), but family members.  I’m hoping in time I can shed the guilt over being here, in this place, and return to living my life. 

Perhaps if you see that where you are with your boys is NOT the healthiest place for all of your growth, in time you can gather them up and really start fresh.  I believe in that possibility.

Please stay with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes