BPDFamily.com

It's Barkbox week at my house. I always make a big to-do about it by letting our dog open the box himself and explore all the new toys and treats. Every month my H complains about the excessive $20 we spend. I remind him that we signed up for a year. Complaint goes away.

But not this weekend. He had a huge dysregulation yesterday when we opened the Barkbox. He demanded that I cancel the subscription. I ignored him (probably not the best response) and then just said "Fine. I'll cancel it" which sent him into a tailspin about how I see him as a monster. He began to yell and call me names. As usual, I was still in my bed clothes. My shoes were in a completely different room so I was unable to walk out.

I didn't know this at the time, but at some point during his rage, our dog put his teeth on my H's hand as a warning, which he has never done before. He didn't bite, but apparently he felt that my H was being enough of a a threat that he let my H know that he didn't like my H's behavior. I think our dog is painted black right now because after everything was calmed down H has made some statements that indicated resentment towards the dog, or at least feeling rejected by him. But at the same time he told the dog he was a good boy for wanting to protect me.

My H quickly calmed down after he had some time to himself while I began getting ready for church. He spent most of the rest of the day crying because he realized that he gets so mad because he feels like he is worthless and when I say/do something to make him feel worthless (in this case not immediately agreeing with him to cancel the box) then he rages. He said he hates to rage and he doesn't want to do it, but he can't help it.

Sadly, my dog isn't interested in his new barkbox toys now whereas usually he spends the whole day showing them off to us, playing with us with them, and cuddling with them.

He has decided to stop smoking weed so he was on day 2 without it. I knew that he would be tense. I think one thing I'm going to start doing on weekends is just get up and immediately get dressed. I'd love to hang out in my comfy clothes, but I feel too vulnerable when he is like this. With him not smoking weed now the chances of him dysregulating on a weekend morning increase significantly.

Oddly I don't feel super angry or frustrated about this blow up. It just felt like he was making a lot of noise but didn't really mean what he said. Even while he was yelling I was just really disconnected from it.

That is so sad that your husband ruined your dog’s enjoyment of his new Barkbox toys.

My husband often paints the cats black if he thinks they aren’t paying him enough attention. Or he will say “They like you. They don’t like me.”

It’s an astonishing look into the mind of someone who is tremendously insecure with himself.

Interesting how he felt “worthless” when you didn’t immediately agree with him, and that he blamed you for feeling that way, which led him to raging, which he said he could not control.

In what other contexts have you observed this chain of behaviors?

I agree with Cat that it's sad your H ruined the toys your dog should have enjoyed.  I hope you dog does not develop a permanent negative association to your H's dysegulations and the arrival of his Barkbox deliveries that are meant to give him enjoyment.  Sadly, dogs and people develop associations to good and bad incidents.  Dogs are smart and they know to put two and two together.

How childish and immature are people who can't even self-regulate in front of innocent animals!  It is indeed a sign that BPDs are operating on the level of a very, very small child.

I am glad you now see the dysregulation for what it was:  a tantrum.  A pouty, selfish tantrum.

He does this quite often. It could be any topic from politics, religion, what to eat for dinner, etc. When he is agitated and I don't agree with his opinion he either gets mad if I don't agree with him or if I do disagree I have to "prove it" or I'm not "entitled to an opinion." Or he will lecture me on the topic.

It's almost like he doesn't want you to "individuate" from his opinion, which he assumes is the "correct" one.

My uBPDH also gets this way.  He is very sensitive to criticism of any kind, however small, and won't tolerate opposing opinions.  He will fly into a rage that invariably ends in his saying he wants to divorce me.

OTOH, his adult children, who see him as a bottomless pit of money, can do anything or say anything (including voicing outrageous moral and political opinions) and H will do nothing and say nothing our of fear of their not liking him or blackmailing him by withholding affection.  H is very manipulated by his adult children.

Tattered Heart,
How are you and your dog doing today? I hope he was able to enjoy his toys and treats in the days after your husband's outburst. Dogs can be so aware and sensitive to confusing human emotions.    for you and here's a   for your dog.

Cat

Hello Tattered Heart, just wondering how you're doing today.

RC

The dog is a good boy. He knows the differences between a fight, a bite and a puppy grr. Your H seems to love the dog on a dog level. And I've never heard of Barkbox Week, but it sounds brilliant.