BPDFamily.com

I'm seeking advice regarding a situation I'm in with my ex-uBPD partner.

I have processed the emotional impact of the relationship and effectively grieved. My intention here is practical; to ensure my ex-uBPD partner doesn't take action in future to cause me harm.

As seems typical enough–based on stories I've read here from other survivors–my ex-uBPD has in the past made numerous false claims to myself, people in my life, her flying monkeys, domestic violence shelters, legal aids, and police. So far to–my knowledge–these include that I physically assaulted her, controlled her financially, and stole from her.

She has a history of neglect and abuse–including a partner who raped her when she was a teenager. Although I can't untangle which of these stories were true or not, and in which scenarios she was truly a victim or not, I do believe that she has both played the victim and been a victim. And she is, in my opinion, liable of making any claim about me that serves whatever agenda she has.

An important piece of context is that I am an aspiring writer and intend to publish my work. Before no contact she sent me an email with a link to an article regarding the metoo movement, about a writer whose work I like but who had been abusive toward women. The article was also about how men who are abusive should not have the privilege of publishing. Ultimately the email was intended as a threat, and I wasn't 100% certain of this until I read things she had been sharing on social media that confirmed my instinct.

She intends for me to be afraid of publishing. To live in fear that if I have success she will shame me publically as part of the metoo movement. To essentially bully me out of a dream I have been working toward. Etc. etc.

Another important piece of context is that during our relationship she forged a document, stole from me, attempted extortion (which as I understand is the same as the act of extortion), and physically threatened and hit me. These are acts I have evidence of. Obviously, this doesn't count for all of the extreme and complex emotional abuse many of us have experienced on this forum.

What I want is not to live in fear, and for her not to have the power to at some point in my life make false claims in public and impact my life or career negatively. I have not figured out how to do that, and I'm asking for advice here. When I talk to family and friends they predominantly tell me to let it go, not get into a legal battle, deal with it if it happens (with an assumption that it won't), etc.

As I mentioned, I've processed the relationship, but she is still actively trying to threaten and bully me. And I want to end it.

Do I take legal action to protect myself? As much as I don't want to.

It would be great to hear any similar stories and how people dealt with it.

Hi coloringbook,

*welcome*

I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here that’s a difficult predicament to be in.

As I understand it the meetoo movement called out men for sexual misconduct / abuse / rape on social media and men lost their careers some long lasting I had always thought that we operated under the principle of innocent until proven guilty, ei incumbit probatio qui dicit, non qui negat (the burden of proof is on the one who declares, not on one who denies ) this social media movement has it reversed.

Obviously there were crimes committed and not all of them were innocent but are we absolutely certain that all of the claims are fact and not false? There are proper channels through the judicial system.

Has she made this false claim or are you being proactive?

Thanks for your response Mutt.

She has previously, during and just after our relationship, made false claims that I was abusive, assaulted her, financially controlled her, and stole from her.

These claims were made to her flying monkeys, a domestic violence shelter, my housemate, legal aid, therapists, and the police (culminating in the police coming to my house and detaining me several times).

She hasn’t yet made any claims in the public sphere, but has been posting generalized comments on social media that confirm the email she sent me (with an article about metoo) was intended to threaten me, ie, that she wants me to live in fear that when I publish or become successful she will make false claims in public.

I do not wish for her to have legal consequence (especially considering the severity of crimes she committed and after having a lawyer review evidence) nor do I want to be in a legal battle with her that drags out being associated.

I don’t think it is possible to have a constructive conversation with her and also don’t really want to break NC.

I have thought about it a lot, tried to just let it go or look at it differently.

So I feel stuck on it and wanted to hear perspectives and ideas from people who can relate

Hey coloringbook, I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself the object of threats and bullying, which is a familiar dynamic in any r/s with a pwBPD, if not more so in the detaching mode.  To me, it's largely a function of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates a Non.  In other words, it's all a form of arm-twisting.

The solution, I suggest, is to go ahead and do what you need to do.  BPD threats are usually just that, threats with little or no action behind them.  In general, I find any claim in the public sphere to be highly unlikely from a pwBPD, because their claims often don't hold up in the light of day.  On the other hand, you know this person better than any of us do and are in the best position to make the call on how best to proceed.

LuckyJim