BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I just read “Walking on Eggshells” and found it very helpful!

Although my mom has not been officially diagnosed, she presents with many of the traits of BPD. I’ve been struggling with my relationship with her for years, and have stopped communicating with her about a month ago.

I’m consumed with guilt and anger about this, but know we can’t continue as we were. Looking forward to hearing other experiences from those who have a BP parent.

What happened that you and she stopped communicating?

Welcome 

You mentioned that you are currently not communicating (NC= no contact) with your mother but you feel guilt and anger.

Can you tell us more about these feelings? What kind of relationship would you like to have with your mother going forward?

You are in good company here. Many of us have a BPD parent. Some are NC, some are LC (low contact), etc. We understand and we’re here to listen and support you.

  L2T

You are supposed to feel guilt and anger . You get angry cause you feel guilty and you feel guilty because that is one of the tools toxic people use to manipulate you. FOG.  FOG . I am reading a book on emotional black mail and its great. It tells all the tricks Toxic people use to manipulate you.

I’m not sure what kind of relationship I want with her, TBH. But I fear that I’m going to feel guilty for the rest of my life at this point.

Guilty cuz she’s my mom- she gave me life... .there were many great years... .but her actions have been so destructive that I just can’t do it anymore.

But my two sisters remain in contact despite this... .so I look like the villain. Maybe it’s the optics that I care about. I’m so angry with my mom at the same time for putting everyone through this conflict. She has caused so much damage and I want her to “suffer the consequences” and not enable her anymore. But it’s not up to me to “punish” her.

It’s so consuming! I just want to be free of all the negative emotions.

AtEase,


No.  You may feel it off and on at sometimes, but it will not consume you.


I understand.

You need to give yourself permission to feel these emotions.  Step one.  There are a lot of things to process once you start to be honest that your mom probably was not very good at, well, being a mom.  We have an expectation of moms in polite society.  Mothers (and fathers) are supposed to be able to put their progeny first, to support them, help them grow and make them into productive, hopefully, happy adults.  

BPD takes this away from all of us.  

Robert Heinlein made a really good statement in one of his books.  You have a mama cat who will go back into a burning building to save her kittens, getting burned in the process, to save her young, to save that next generation.  This is a good behavior, protecting and promoting the next generation, keeping the species alive and moving forward.  Hopefully, no one has to literally run into a burning building for their kids.

Other mama kitties go a little crazy and eat their kittens.  Obviously, this is counterproductive to development.  

Our parents were not able to be the former, and metaphorically, were the latter.  Our hopes got eaten.  Our individuality, eaten.  Our freewill, agency, self esteem, etc - eaten.

And when we manage to get a little clarity, to see just how wrong it was, it makes us hurt, angry, grieving, confused, and then the old training kicks in and we feel guilty for breaking the veil of happy-family illusions we've been holding up forever.

It's okay to be mad.  It's okay to grieve the mom she could not / would not be.  Its okay to be frustrated others can't help you on your journey or join you.  

Another part of step one is realizing all we can do is control ourselves.  Going forward.  We can't fix the past, make years of abuse go away, or even make others see how our hearts hurt if they don't want to see it.  


You did not ask for life - just sayin' that's a hollow reason for guilt.  You were given something you didn't ask for, had no say in, and were an innocent participant for much of it.  Guilt is used by BPD to control you.  Let go of feeling it, realize it's not supposed to be a tool forever over you.  You can't help or control you's mom emotions, her feelings, or behavior.  If you can't control if it rains, do you feel guilty when it does?

I've had to be NC for well about a decade.  My mother is very toxic.  Others have a hard time seeing it, try to give me grief over it time to time.  I said it to someone else on here, let me say it again.

Mom violated the mother-daughter bond first.  She was the parent; the one in control.  I was subordinate, a child, a teenager.  The relationship folloed the pattern SHE set.  If I was to be punished for bing my own person, for not giving up on life to be her caretaker, he emotional punching bag, then I'm better off a BPD orpahn with no mom.  The nice lady who fed me as an infant and toddler has been long gone.  Sure, we had some good times.  But the person with her face and body is an angry, sad, belitting woman who is toxic, has terrible notions of how she regards love, and she is not really a mom anymore, nor has she been since I was about 15 years old.  

I do not feel guilt for a contract Mom broke by being a BPD mother.  I feel sadness, and grieve the loss of what I thought I had, what I wanted.  I feel upset when others try to put a guilt trip on me.  But they have no ersponse when I ask if I had a BF that treated me the same as Mom did, would they advise I stay with him?  And tehy tell me no, then I tell them the word "mom" makes no difference.

Posting here helps, we have all been in a similar flavors of expereinces.

Just wanted to join in and say we are here to support you in dealing with the guilt and anger you feel over going NC with your mom with BPD. As others have said, these feelings are normal, and part of how we get manipulated by our mothers with BPD so we will continue to go along with the abuse. With time and awareness, you will start to feel better. How are you doing right now?

No, you won’t feel guilty for the rest of your life. The more you learn about BPD behaviors themore you will be able to depersonalize them and the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) will begin to lift.

Allowing her to experience the natural consequences of her choices is not “you punishing her.” You do not have to consent to abusive behavior from anyone, even if that person is your mother.

Yes, it takes time to work through all of this. There really aren’t any shortcuts. We all have to do our own work, but we are all here helping each other. It really makes a difference to have this safe place.

I promise you that pursuing health is so much better than choosing to stay stuck. 

I look forward to learning more about you and how we may help you move forward.

  L2T

I don't think you will feel guilty for the rest of your life though likely you will be sad at times about not having a mother that loved you the way a mother is supposed to and instead mistreated you.
I find it helps to feel the anger and recognize the underlying feeling of sadness about having a mother with BPD. I let myself cry when I need to, and I take time every day to be present and observe my feelings. That way I do not let any feelings get built up to the point that I am overwhelmed.

Hi AtEase, I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. 

Give us a visit when you can.   :hi: