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It’s been 3 weeks since my unBPDh split on me after the retreat we went on in my efforts to convince him to seek help. To say that it backfired in my face in an understatement. His rages alternate with silent treatments and constant threats. His primary “issue” and I quote “obidience issue” coming from me. The demand, one and only is for me:” to sell the house and bring the keys from it on my knees, in my teeth”, until then he refuses to engage. Withdrawal of any kind of emotional support, intimacy and threats have broken my spirit. I’m scoring 64 on the depression test. I used all the tools on the menu- no jedaing, set, dearman, still with no avail. I’m burning out, and this torture which seemingly sprung out of nowhere is distorting my reality, I feel like I’ve been in this situation forever. I start hating him, which I rarely feel. I want to hurt him back.
On the emotional level, it feels like he took a wooden board and inserted a thousand sharp nails into it. With this “patting board” he is hitting me daily, emotionally torturing hourly. Not enough to kill me at once, but I’m profusely  bleeding on the inside.
I can’t go through with the sale at this point, as you don’t make the deal with the terrorist. He can twist my hand by denying all financial support. At that stage it will be the end of our marriage. I’ve spoken to him, plead and cried to snap out and look st what he is doing. Yesterday when I asked him what was more important for him “. Happiness or dominance”, he replied dominance. I believe he no longer loves me or is sexually attracted to me. I only see the monster. How do I hope, please help!

My trust has been irreversibly corroded, the only goal is to force me into obidience and bestow his domination. With two young children I’m responsible for, I will sell the house if I must and move. That, however will only be once. This is where I cut the line. If he goes through with his threats, I need to lawyer up, get a therapist through school, join codependent anonymous and live through the dissolution of our marriage. When it gets so bad for so long, with no end in sight, everything becomes pointless. His demand is so outrageous, I’m surprised it not: “ go prostitute yourself or I won’t speak to you, or go slit your throat, I won’t speak to you otherwise”. I’m using dark humour here, he wants me to Isaak sacrificing Isaak, knowing well that we fought for financial stability side by side. I submit and knife by his rules otherwise, like cooking, cleaning and massaging his feet.

Hi, Snowglobe.  

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, and to read up a bit on all that you have endured in this marriage. Sometimes when we are "in the goldfish bowl" it's hard to imagine a different perspective from what we live with day in and day out. The chaos can become our "normal".

In June, I left my ex dBPDbf, when his dysregulation, devaluation, dissociation, and discard behaviors became too much. I only survived 2.5 years with him. He was bad, absolutely, but I have to be straightforward here, and say that after reading some of your background posts - what your husband is doing is some of the most sadistic, cruel, and actually... .psychopathic abuse I have ever heard of firsthand.

Much of what you describe does not sound like the tantrums of an emotionally unstable man-child - but the cold, callous, methodical, calculating abuse of a true remorseless psychopath. A sadist that doesn't "feel bad" or "feel shame" later as many pwBPD do. It sounds as if he enjoys what he is doing, and doesn't feel an ounce of remorse.

I know this is a horrible thing to have to read, but I, and I'm sure many others on this board, are truly worried about you and your well being. I have been reading your posts for a while and the reason I never said anything before is because I honestly had no idea what TO say. I was afraid anything I said might be way too harsh and too judging of your husband, and that's not the purpose of this board. However, my honest assessment, because I really do empathize with your terrible situation, is that this is not sustainable for you OR your kids.

My first question would be - what would you tell your best friend, or someone else you loved to do if they were in your exact same situation? What would you advise to someone whose well being you cared about if they were being treated this way?

Wishing you peace and safety,
BD

Hey Snowglobe,

From reading other posts it seems like you have looked into DV shelters although there are complications surrounding your parents and how that leaves their safety and welfare. The level of personalised, specific fury he is directing at you feels extremely dangerous. Here we have a man that has previously squirted toothpaste in your eye and terrorized you at a consistently extremely high level. The man is a regular coke user which only serves to increase his already volatile and angry state (it brings out the worst in regular people let alone someone who's barely clinging onto his own sanity).

It's not for me to tell you to run or stay, however I feel it my duty as a fellow humanbeing to TELL YOU, YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT YOUR SAFETY NOW. How you achieve personal safety I don't know. Some distance needs to be created between you both, for him to sort himself out and for you to gather your thoughts and create action plans.

Some questions:

- What prevents you from walking out with just the shirt on your back?

- Is staying in the house and him not, an option?

- Have you sought legal advice (discussed in other threads)?

- How much cash do you believe that you can access quickly?

- How much access do you have to all his personal finances, including Bitcoin holdings, accounting records, bank statements, stock holdings, deeds to the home?

- What would happen to the proceeds of the home if you were to sell it tomorrow, how much capital would it raise?

- Do you have other assets in your name that you can liquidate reasonably quickly, car, jewelry, art, fine wine?

- Are there guns or weapons in the home?

- Have you filed a police record, even just to open a file so you are on their radar even if you opt to take no action?

- Do you believe that you can resolve/ride out this situation?

As much as I would normally try to stay calm about a situation and assume that a lot of the noise from him is just noise... .he has form in causing you a great deal of physical harm. It wasn't one of those things that 'just happened' when he squirted tooth paste in your eye DELIBERATELY.

Thank you for relying,
I would tell her to buckle up and push through the fear. No one deserves to live in a mental abuse state day in and out. He doesn’t, in fact have any remorse. I’ve never been apologized to in the duration of 17 years.

-I’m afraid of retaliation, more specific legal ambush he can easily throw at me. I have no means of providing for myself and the children and completely reply on him for financial assistance
-it is an option, he leaves to “work” 5 hrs away and I stay at home with the children
- I haven’t seen legal council as of yet, as I was preserving my financial resources for when I truly need it,  this seems like the time
-I can access a month worth financials that have saved for emergency
-I have little access to the bitcoin wallet, but don’t have any codes to it, I have no access to his shares or company related paperwork, I have the ownership to the house on both of our legal names
-we have a small outstanding mortgage on a very nice house in a good neighbourhood, after the sale, it will be enough to buy a smaller one with no mortgage or two condos
- I have expensive jewelry that I can probably sell, enough to generate 4 months of living, if I will be modest
-there are a lot of handguns, rifles, pistols and revolvers, he is an avid collector. Tons of ammunition, if he went bonkers, he has enough to last for days
-never reported physical abuse to police, family doctor has a record of him hitting me, as I explained in his slew. I was afraid that he had damaged a breast implant, when 4 years ago he was kicking me in my chest during an argument. The optician who examined me initially after he damaged my cornea called to follow up and basically called me on my bluff saying that you can’t sustain these kind of injuries from accidentally squirting the toothpaste
I
-I don’t know if I can resolve/ride it out, I’m afraid even to hope, as it had lasted for so long

Combining all crypto currencies, his business shares and his stock my husband is a millionaire. Around 1-3 mil at the current state, that the stock is down and crypto is suffering new lows. I have nothing but a shirt on my back and some jewelry. He tends to get very nasty very quickly, as you can tell. Do you see my fears for my safety?
The wallet is anonymous, even if he holds the money there one minute, he may transfer it to another account, and say it never existed. I plan to access it once I’m home and take pictures as a proof it had existed. Even then it won’t be sufficient, as he can say he lost it all, while converting it from one crypto currency into the other. He mentioned to me many times before, that he would rather loose everything or let it burn then leave anything for me should I lawyer up.
How do I come out of this intact, including my kids?

You don't deserve to be treated like this. :-( I think you have a pretty good idea of the gravity of this situation, and probably what your best course of action in the long run is. It seems you are battling with fear of actually putting a plan into action, and worried about how you will survive on your own - is this correct?

You sound as if you are moving toward some sort of resolution, yet continuing to carry fear.

Are you truly asking how you separate and protect yourself and the children?

Or are you asking in a "wringing your hands" way?

Because people on this board can give you very specific steps to contact a lawyer, file a protection order and get temporary custody and support ordered... .IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WaNT TO HEAR.

Survival on my own is only a fraction, I am certain he will try and use all of his resources into bullying me.

I’m on a conflicted board, so the simple answer is: I would prefer not to act, more of react according to the proportion of his actions. My fear isn’t illogical. It’s like going against a big company when you are small time business. I haven’t seen any happy endings in my community. All cases I have been exposed to: women and children get nothing. Only more pain, humiliation and poverty. While the men rebrand and rebuild themselves with almost teenagers by their side.

Either way, now is the time to think smart, get ahead of the game and make a plan. That plan maybe to do very little apart from stay home, let him do his thing 'at work 5 hours away' to gain distance and emotional space but also spending that time gathering intelligence. It may be to take action now. You have been hoping for some time now and that hasn't improved your situation.

I have no idea if crypto accounts/assets can be frozen but I am sure someone can advise on this. some investors buy crypto because they believe in the story that these are going into wholesale international use, others buy them for their cross boarder portability and 'below the radar' benefits. e.g. Chinese to move money out of China to buy Vancouver property. Would you say he is the former or the latter owner? There are considerable amounts of assets at stake regardless of whether or not your Crypto or company stock is having a bad period. Knowing what those assets are and how to quickly and efficiently freeze them is important... .BUT NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, YOUR SAFETY IS.  

If you left him to go to work 5 hours away on his own, would he go? Any threats from 5 hours away are going to be tolerable vs in the same room.

Yes, unfortunately, this is a real danger. But don't let that stop you from taking measures to free yourself if that is what you truly want to do. You are already being bullied now on a consistent basis, unfortunately.

He was investing initially, when the crypto was low, that’s how he accumulated a significant portion of his crypto currency, which he diversified. He is also an acting representative for one of the biggest miners in our country. Meaning/ he knows everything about crypto, this is his business. Hence the stock shares: he is one of the shareholders in the same company, he also manages it.

From following your story for a long time, Snowglobe, it appears that he's gotten far worse just in the last month or so. If he's on a downward trajectory, it's time for you to take action. NOW. Wishing and hoping hasn't achieved what you want. Your parents are adults. They need to assist you to find safety from this man; it's not your responsibility to look after them. You've been hoping for a happy ever after life with him. That's looking increasingly impossible at this point.

I assume his mental state is highly dependant on the price of say Ethereum i.e.  Great in Feb, terrible from Feb - Mar, better Mar - May and deteriorating ever since May?

Not wanting to excuse his behaviour at all but I wonder if there is a correlation there? He is seeing his personal wealth evaporate and it's causing him a huge amount of stress. That stress is being taken out on you. You are literally his emotional punching bag over a situation he cannot control. all his eggs are in one basket.

Again, this does not excuse the behaviour at all, no does it change your safety situation.

I assume his work is in tiny towns in the middle of nowhere, very cold, ideal for a crypto mine. The equiv of a gold mining town in the wild west with hooker, booze and drugs a plenty.

The tools help with conflict but they don’t change the free will of another person. Your husband is making the choices he chooses to make.

I asked you this on another thread: if your daughter were in your situation with a man and came to you for help - what would you say to her ? Would you say “tolerate it so I can have a more comfortable living situation” or would you say “you are more important to me than where I live - we have modest assets and we will help find a solution- it may not be as nice but your well being is more important” ?

One hundred percent correct

Okay, next assumption, he’s a maths/coding genius, bordering on autistic?

He’s part of a larger fraternity of “non-canadian nationals” who moved from his mother land to Canada in search of the perfect place to set up mines?

Would he return to that motherland?

Do you come from that motherland? I’m guessing not.

Did he come from an impoverished background? Does that scare him?

I'm not telling you what to do with the relationship, but you are past the point of needing to have a capable lawyer to talk to.  You need one you trust, who can handle complicated financials.  It will take a while to find such a person.  You'll need to get referrals, and maybe referrals from the referrals, and talk to a number of lawyers before you find one.  The lawyer is important for you to understand all of your options.  For example, there are issues with tracking his assets, but understanding any probably outcomes on spousal support in your locality may be very important to understanding your true options.  Finding a lawyer doesn't mean that you have to spend a lot of money -- just an hour or two with the right lawyer would get you much better oriented and put you in a better position to make decisions.

There is a lot of talk about crypto, but that seems like a 4th or 5th priority.  1st, obviously, is safety.  But 2nd is what do you want to do with this relationship?  Stay in it?  Separate and get some breathing room to think?  Start a permanent split?  It sounds like with the house and I'm assuming some kind of reasonable spousal support you can provide for basic needs.  It comes down to what you want to do.  What are your thoughts on that?

RC

You are so correct, I’m scared, he is genius, educated in a very prestigious university, awkward, yet brilliant, npd yet too sensitive.
you are on point with everything other then- he was forced to come/relocate, 28 years ago when he was a teenager by his parents who fled socialism and the infamous befall of the Soviet Union. You are also correct about me not being of the same background/country, although I speak the same language, grew up watching same shows and had pretty similar upbringing in terms of values.
He discovered this industry when it only begun, I didn’t believe in it until 3 years ago he showed me stats. I’m very literal person, so when I saw the charts, I took out money from our mortgage and helped him set up the shop. He then sold it for shares, to become a part of a larger mining company.
He is dreaming of coming back “home”, there, with the same resources he will have much better and prestigious lifestyle. Cars, sex, women throwing themselves at him, little concern for family (it’s isn’t a crime to hit a woman, or man, to be politically correct. If a victim calls the police, the most that can happen is a slap on the wrist and a fine. No jail time, no removal from premise. These are the laws in that country. It’s very wild Wild West, suits his personality. I will never go there, or let my children be taken out of here.
He was subjected to severe poverty after the initial relocation. It hit him hard, domestic abuse coming from his dad. A year after moving to this country he left his house for the first time to live alone

Hi Snowglobe,,

I absolutely believe you can come out of this intact, into a better place, a better place for your kids too.

I believe that moving forward will be difficult.   I can see no way forward that doesn't involve emotional upheaval, some insecurity, difficulties and yes painful choices.   It will not be easy.

I absolutely believe you have the strength, the intelligence, the stamina and the fortitude to make life better for yourself and your children.     

but what matters is what you believe.   if you believe you have the strength, stamina, smarts, fortitude and courage to do what is right.   

Snowglobe,   you can explain to us as much as you need to, how complicated and difficult the finanical situation is.   we will listen.   many of us have been there.   not in your exact situation but close.

you can share about the community you live within.   and we will sympathize and support.   because we care about you.   You.   we would very much like you to be safe.   and comfortable.  not living in constant crisis and anxiety.   You are important to us.   we would very much like you to be important to you too.

I read the other day, that you took a walk with the dog when it got to be too much.   do you think you can build on that?   put yourself, your safety, and your peace of mind first?  You.   just you.   not the hundreds of other issues that crowd in.    what one simply tiny thing can you do to put your health first?

'ducks

People on the autistic spectrum don't tend to be deliberately cruel to others. They may have difficulty with regulating emotions and social skills, but intentional, calculated, and repeated  harm to others is not typical for that condition. Also, abuse as a child isn't the cause of autism- but it does lead to a repeated cycle of abuse to others later on in adulthood. From what I can understand- if your H felt helpless and abused as a child, then abusing you gives him a sense of power that he lacked, but his sense of control and power comes at a high cost to you.

We can speculate on your H's financial endeavors or his mental state but the more important situation is your own safety. For whatever reason, this man has caused you physical and emotional  harm and has admitted he prefers to dominate you. He prefers no rules or morals, expressed his hatred of Jews and a desire to kill them all. I have no idea if this man has any limits to how much he would harm you when he is enraged. He's already kicked you and caused physical damage.

Several members have advised you to consult a lawyer, including me, to know the facts about your rights, rather than be driven by fear. Yes, you have seen ex wives in poverty and the ex husbands with a teenager on their arm but you don't know the whole of the situation for either person. You aren't the cause of your H's behavior and no amount of submission, foot rubbing, appeasing can change it.  Any new partner of his would eventually be subjected to the same behaviors you are now. Let the lawyer inform you about the facts of your potential choices.

If I haven't been clear before, let me add myself to the list of people insisting you consult a lawyer.

Start writing your own story!

FF

I agree that you should consult a lawyer.

That first consultation might be free, or it might cost a few hundred dollars. Surely you can access a few hundred dollars?

The consultation doesn't mean that you are getting divorced. There's no commitment! But the lawyer will ask you questions about your situation and finances and can give you advice about what your rights are, and what the likely outcomes might be of your actions. Really solid information based on facts and law, not on the threats you've been hearing from your husband.

Can you make that appointment happen?

Hello all,
I’m sorry I have been absent from the board, I was dealing with uBPDh’s abuse and simultaneously preparing for the exam. Nothing new to share, same “I don’t love you, you don’t interest me sexually, I hope you are miserable. I’m also planning a month long trip back to the country I came from, see what kind of opportunity I can have there”.
It took me three weeks of crying, begging and pleading to realize that I need to start thinking of me, not “us” as a unit.
I have the phone number and will call on Monday to schedule a first consultation. I would like to hear several opinions before I start thinking further. I do not believe that even loosing his family will be enough for him to start seeking help, but that’s another story.

He's definitely pursuing his options. You need to do that too. That he has his assets stashed in crypto makes it very easy for him to cut and run. From what you describe about him, it seems unlikely that he would seek psychological help, ever.

Good that you're pursuing legal advice. Knowledge is power. 

I am sorry your H has behaved like this, but I think he is showing you who he is. If he wants to go to his country for a month, then you don't have the power to change this desire. If you did, he would resent you to the point of letting that be known. It seems that in that time, he could make his own plans, he would be out of your scrutiny. He's an adult- he can make this decision and his own decisions. I know you value your family, but I don't know if he does. He isn't you- he has his own values and desires- and even if he has a mental condition he still is his own individual person with his own wishes and wants and he is telling you what they are.


I am glad you are seeking information to help you with any decisions.

If your H does leave the country for a while, then you can use the space to study for classes, get yourself centered and get information and make whatever plans you decide on. It's OK to take care of yourself whether you are in a relationship or not.


I will share a favorite quote from Maya Angelou:

My dear, when people show you who they are, why don't you believe them? Why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can't you get it the first time?

Notwendy covered this with her shared quote from Maya.  I would offer a bit extra. 

Make decisions based on what others show you, vice what you want to believe. 


FF

Not Wendy and Formflier,
Is it that obvious that I am still in denial? Like an ostrich who has been burying my head on sand, I’ve been telling myself “this too shall pass” just hold on a little longer. I have arrived here in the current state of affairs. I would like to share with you what came prior to this.
I’ve met my uBPDh when I was 17, shy, gentle, he had perfect mannerisms, soft spoken and very intelligent. He didn’t fit into the world. I felt as if he walked off some 18th century novel. Perfect gentlemen. When things progressed rather quickly, my family situation wasn’t stable, my mom was going back and fourth between the country where we currently live, and my country of origin (familiar pattern). My step father didn’t fully commit, and she was determined to make it work.
I dreamt of having stability, and made every possible action to make uBPDh stay with me. He became my surrogate parent. That is when I started massaging feet, cooking meals, doing loundry, attentively listening and having sex with him whenever he wanted. After about 9 months living together I was pregnant... .he “did the right thing” as soon as he found out. Despite all the reluctance coming from my family, he said he wanted a child and the family. He was also 40 thousand in debt, with low paying job and no solid plans how to make it. I will fast forward the bankruptcy, difficult living arrangements, he started splitting on me when our d15 now tunred one year old. He left for the first and only time. I finished by basic education and went to work to help him support the family. I held on to our family during his month to month splitting, with no financial insensitive. I just loved him so much. Next to him, I wanted to see all of his dreams come true, supported him in every endeavour, just to see that mischievous spark in his eyes when he gets something right. He was a generous lover when he was well. He was a generous man when he was well. He was the kindest man when he was well, like the entire universe was hugging me when he showed me his love. I’m in deep state of disbelief tht alternates with anger, grief and mourning. I don’t know which side is up anymore.

Perhaps it would help to read how a BPD relationship starts. It is wonderful in the beginning. Also, few people are entirely bad or entirely good so it would not be impossible that a person could be both abusive and also loving at times. I think this is a confusing aspect of relationships. If a person was abusive all of the time, then it would be more clear. Abuse is also cyclic with ups and downs. This can create an addictive aspect to being in a relationship with them as there are highs and lows, just like with a drug- amazing at times, and then also very low times. During the good times, it is easy to be in denial and hope it lasts, but an abuse cycle is often that, a cycle of both.

I can understand the wish for stability, but I also think that we need to assess the relationship as a whole. Yes, your H was loving to you when you first met, but is he that way now? Is he causing you harm? Although you wanted stability- is your situation actually stable? Also consider your age when you met him. 17 is young and what looks stable at 17 may not be what you consider to be stable in your 30's.

Consider the influence of drugs over several years. Drug addiction has a serious affect on family relationships.

Yes, he seemed like a romantic 18th Century gentleman to you back then at 17, but what is the situation as it is now? This is the situation you are dealing with.

I’m in deep state of disbelief that alternates with anger, grief and mourning.  It's ok to feel your feelings, and grief and anger are understandable.

Snowglobe,
Referencing what Notwendy wrote about the different stages of a Borderline Relationship, this is a worthy article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I understand the longing for the "perfect gentleman" that you saw in the beginning, but when did you last see him? The person you're dealing with currently sounds very different.

You got together with him when you were so young that you didn't have the opportunity to get to know who you are outside of a relationship. You missed an important developmental milestone and that is probably why you feel insecure and cling to him, even when he treats you poorly. This is something to explore in a counseling environment.

I suspect that your husband is chafing underneath all your attempts to control him and that is adding to the resentment he feels toward you. I would bet that the more you try to control him, the more abusive he acts toward you. Perhaps it's time for you to try a different approach. The one you've been doing for the last couple of decades no longer is working.

Cat

Thanks for being open and sharing.  Here is the important thing that I'm seeing in your posts.  You are talking about you and why you did things.  Looking at your motivations and how you got to the point in life of having those motivations.

This is important because you can only control you.  The power to change your life (and by extension the life of your family) rests with your ability to reflect, understand past decisions and make different decisions going forward.

I applaud you for looking at yourself, especially because I don't detect "blame".

What do you think your next step is?

How can we best support you taking that step?

How can be best support you in your journey of self reflection?

FF

Our FOO's influence who we are attracted to, who is attracted to us, and how we behave in relationships. We tend to match up with people who "match" us emotionally in some ways. Growing up, I had to act like a doormat to my mother in order to be accepted in my own FOO- and I took this behavior into relationships - not only dating ones but with other people.

At 17 I was way too young to recognize dysfunction. At 17, I had no idea what qualities I would want in a husband, or father of my children. I had no clue what it would have been like to face the challenges of a marriage with someone. I could only experience a relationship at my developmental age.

If we tend to pair up with people who "match " us, I have to wonder what 27 year old man would emotionally pair up with a teen age girl because at 17, that age difference is emotionally significant. Later on a 10 year difference isn't as much a consideration but at 17 it is huge. What I am trying to say is that- a 17 year old isn't able to judge the emotional level or character of a man that age. Your choice is not your fault. You could only do what any 17 year old could do. You loved him and then, when things got difficult, you clung to that love.

However, you have matured over the years and you have the ability to see things from a mature standpoint. I know that for me, eventually trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be in order to be loved by them was not something I wanted to do. I knew I needed to change that. Whatever you decide in your relationship, I hope you are able to start to get in touch with who you are, and not be so focused on trying to control your H's decisions. If he decides to get on a plane to his country, do drugs or any other decision, that is not under your control. Cat even suggested that maybe he is chafing under constant scrutiny. If you approach him as a doormat, rubbing his feet, begging, pleading, he doesn't have decency boundaries that keep him from mistreating you. I hope at least you will keep yourself safe.

I understand the feeling of wanting to be loved for just who I am but first, we have to learn to be who we are, pursue our own interests, our own spiritual make up. It isn't too late to discover that. Yes, you may grieve the time spent on your relationship, but that is part of the journey. It took me a long time to discover the patterns in my FOO and relationships and learn from that. I am still learning and you can too.