BPDFamily.com

In other threads, personality types have come up.  I chuckle as I read mine and it would appear that most others on these boards that "know me" go... "yep... makes sense.  That's FF."


I won't "out" the others, although I certainly hope they come here and post.  I'll start in the next thread with my personality type and perhaps I'll offer a few comments on how my "type" benefits and challenges my in my relationships.

Then perhaps expand it to the same question benefits and challenges in a "BPD" relationship.

FF

I'm an ESTJ (The Executive)

https://www.16personalities.com/estj-personality


I just got done reading all of this and I was like... .yep... preach it brother!




Yep... that's my world.  When that world meets BPD and rewriting of history and "rules".  Very interesting things happen.

FF

This could be fun as well as informative (says the ENFP-A.  AKA "The Campaigner")

Here's my profile.  https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/45e28c4a9af86

I'm one of those people who read FF's personality type and said "Yep.  That's FF."  I suspect those who have read my Adventures of BeagleGirl topic probably won't be all that surprised by my profile either.  I wasn't surprised that FF's personality profile listed military service as a potentially good career path for him.  Nor was I surprised that mine specifically called out military service as something to be avoided by people with my personality type.   

My personality type strengths include Curious, Observant, Energetic and Enthusiastic, Excellent Communicator, Know How to Relax,  and Very Popular and Friendly

"All this adaptability and spontaneity comes together to form a person who is approachable, interesting and exciting, with a cooperative and altruistic spirit and friendly, empathetic disposition. Campaigners get along with pretty much everyone, and their circles of friends stretch far and wide."

Sounds awesome, right?  But I've definitely been dealing a lot with the impact of my weaknesses lately:
Poor Practical Skills, Find it Difficult to Focus, Overthink Things, Get Stressed Easily, Highly Emotional, Independent to a Fault

I had to laugh at the description of how my personality type approaches romantic relationships because it rings so true with how I've been approaching Neighbor B:

"For people with the Campaigner personality type, relationships are a joyous process of mutual exploration and imagination, a chance to connect with another soul. Campaigners take their relationships seriously, and are known for their uninhibited and unshakeable devotion to the people to whom they’ve committed their hearts.

In the dating phase, if Campaigners can be said to tolerate such a formal process to begin with, they will show these qualities by showering their new flames with affection, and will do everything they can to build a strong relationship by demonstrating their devotion and reliability by whatever means available."  

So THAT'S why I struggle so much with backing off and giving Neighbor B a chance to miss me.

And these quotes also struck a chord with me:

"Campaigners go all-in with their relationships, and if they fall apart despite their efforts, they can end up plagued with questions about why the relationship failed and what they could have done differently "
"Campaigners tend to get deeply involved in others’ lives, going to great lengths and efforts to be the selfless, caring and supportive people they are, and all the while forget to take care of themselves. Both in terms of basic needs like financial stability and rest, as well as more emotional needs like mutual understanding and reciprocation, Campaigner personalities tend to give much more of themselves than most are even capable of giving back. This sort of imbalance isn’t sustainable, as (seemingly) one-sided generosity often leads to criticism and resentment on both sides."

That definitely describes what I've dealt with all through my relationship with dBPDxh, and what I know I'm at risk for perpetuating in future relationships.  

I'd love to hear from more members.  I think it might also be interesting to think a bit about how our personality types play out in this online support environment.  

BeagleGirl

I’m an INTJ.  The Architect.  https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

Rules, limitations and traditions are anathema to the INTJ personality type – everything should be open to questioning and reevaluation, and if they see a way, INTJs will often act unilaterally to enact their technically superior, sometimes insensitive, and almost always unorthodox methods and ideas.

INTJs make up about 2% of the population and women with this personality type are .8%. No wonder that I run into so few compadres.

We INTJs are  “imaginative yet decisive, ambitious yet private, amazingly curious, but they do not squander their energy.”  I’m not sure about the not squandering my energy part, since my curiosity knows no bounds and I go down lots of rabbit holes.

And yes, I’m an idealist, yet very cynical. And yes, I see a lot of social conventions as “downright stupid” so I can be bull in the china shop-ish when it comes to nuance and understanding others’ emotions. I’m like, “Get over yourself—can’t you see that what you’re doing isn’t working?” (Of course I don’t say that, but I’m sure some of those thoughts come through loud and clear, even though I try to be polite.)

So I share this personality type with Vladimir Putin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michelle Obama and Elon Musk. Hmmmm... .

No wonder I’ve been told that I’m “controlling”—of course I don’t see it that way. I just think I’ve got great ideas and that others should get onboard.   

I'm INSJ the defender. Supportive, loyal, hard working, patient, observant, practical yet imaginative. Also humble, shy, take things personally, repress my feelings and too altruistic.

Pretty much dead on, I would say.

Redeemed

So... .taking some time to read through mine again.  Get some popcorn and have a good chuckle at what it would be like to be on of my kids, being raised on the farm.  7 Wonderful years, yes even after BPD showed up about halfway through, I have the fondest memories.  And yes, there really was a lazy river we would fish, boat and snowmobile on.


Imagine being one of my kids.  Hearing Dad talk about "putting out good product... ."  It is doubtful that any of my kids will ever end up in a profession/vocation of hard manual labor, but I assure you... .all the boys and girls (no prissy gals in my family that get others to care for their horses... .) could easily pass for seasoned ditch diggers, fence post diggers and heavy equipment operators.

I still remember the quizzical (and then relieved) look my boys gave me when we got an auger attachment for the skid steer and the post hole digger was only used to "clean up the hole".

To teach leadership and fairness (and relieve myself of the headaches of leading my boys through interpersonal "that's not fair" type of conflicts) I had this thing where I would put a boy in charge of some manual labor task one day and the other brothers are the helpers.  Especially if there were complaints, I would make sure they had a preview of the next days chores and knew that a different boy would be in charge.

Then of course I would put my arms around them... .hug them good and say "Hey... you know, if I didn't know better, I thought I heard some grumbling about unfairness... .did I hear that right?"  pause for effect because they know whats coming  "I mean... .I could hang out with you guys tomorrow and "help" make everything fair.  I dunno... perhaps I misheard... perhaps you boys would rather work it out among yourselves... ."

The almost always chose to work it out... . 


I have a confession to make.  I doubt it's ever been obvious here... but I can be a bit stubborn and inflexible... .




This was one of the most frustrating things about BPD showing up.  I would get my wife figured out... "plug her in" the system in the right way... .and then she would move the goalpost  Even more perplexing, she would allege I never had her figured out before... she had never said/agreed to whatever... and blame it all on me...

I would figure her out... .plug her in... .move goalpost (wash rinse repeat)



Should I "confess" again?


Hmm... .honesty whether it's wanted or not.  Nope... you guys ain't never seen that around these parts... .


Structure anyone?


So... .this is still a major issue for me.  "unvetted solutions"  SWOE and "tools" on this site were shocking.  However, I was so beat down that I had the "facts" in front of me that stated "I had to be wrong" and "had to do something else".  So I kinda closed my eyes and "did" the first couple boundaries, but was a "collector of facts" enough to realize that I did it EXACTLY how senior members told me to... .and EXACTLY how the articles said on here and the extinction burst happened EXACTLY as predicted with a "poof" moment where my wife acted like it was no big deal.

That leap of faith GAVE ME HOPE and I've been building on that since.



Several good Ts have chipped away at this over time.  I actually "plan my spontaneity" or "plan to have no plan".  Now that I'm off the farm and pretend to be a city slicker... ."hey girls lets go out to horses for the afternoon" is one of my favorite things.  No schedule... just time with girls and horses  

Note:  Boys can all ride, but none of them have a "passion" for it.  Frankly, I don't either.  I do enjoy riding, but it's more about time with kids and life lessons.  The standing joke is that my boys will fall in love with a girl, she will want horses and they will end up on a farm.  They all claim to have a "screening process" to avoid that.  

For any non horse people passing through, horses really do delay girls interest in boys.  At first I didn't believe it, once I realized it was true... .FF wallet opened wide.  



So that's why all the girls in the harem are always calling... .   


Ugg... so true.  (my wife is INFP)


I have found time to slow down these days.  Disability has forced some of that.  You know... only working on my MBA, trying to get some flip houses sold, manage a wife with BPD, raise 8 kids, set up a company to run the family farm (now my responsibility after my Dad passed away) and of course helping out on bpdfamily.

All that extra time... .sometimes an extra couple cups of coffee in the morning!  

from parenting


Oh... .they've heard this a time or two... ."This is your road to redemption.  I can't walk it for you, but I can shine the light for you... .and I'll be waiting at the other end with open arms... ."

from career

This is a place I've always struggled.  I will get everything organized and then something else other than paperwork will seem like a higher priority.  I'll get to that stack of papers tomorrow, then next week... .then my desk is an awful mess.


I'm not a "clean sheet" guy.  That being said, give me any process and I'll learn it and then improve it.  Design something from scratch. Uggg... .


Most of my time with my P is focused on how I can "do" relationships better.  Yes... from time to time I vent, but mostly I want to be a better FF.

I meant ISFJ the defender. Can't hardly see on this cell phone.

It says that defender types have qualities that seem to be opposing, such as reserved yet possessing good people skills, sensitive yet analytical. That explains why I struggled with some of the questions and could have chosen the exact opposite answer.

Sometimes the way I prefer things to be is not how they actually are. Like, I prefer to have everything organized at work and at home... .but I currently have a kind of messy, unorganized home, which is stressful for me.

Something I keyed in on was the too altruistic trait. It says defender types leggings slide, believe that things will get better soon, and don't want to burden others by asking for help. Meanwhile our troubles pile up and we get overwhelmed. That so describes me and explains a lot of why I stayed so long in a situation that was completely unhealthy. I kept letting things slide, kept hoping things would change and didn't want to ask for help and bother anyone. Until I couldn't take it anymore and it was about as bad as it could possibly be.

Redeemed

Thank you, FF, for the link.  I have to take this soon.

"The Essential Guide" by Randi Kreger talks about the role we play with our BPD partners and family members.

Important to know.

Amen to that!  This morning I was up a bit early and notice the mess around my easy chair.  Where I type on Chromebook and read and do homework for my MBA program.  

There isn't gobs of extra time in my life, so I decided I really needed to get working on that "supply chain management" class, since I have a quiz tomorrow and "feel behind" or "not ready"

I constantly seem to make the choice of doing something else rather than get/stay organized, yet when I do get organize I see massive benefits.

My oldest daughter seems to have "caught" this habit from me too!

I Am Redeemed

What part of the "analysis" of your personality are you like... ."yep... .that's me"?

What part doesn't quite fit?


FF

I took this test awhile back... .I'm ISFJ the Defender as well.  The personality traits describe me for sure.  It even says ISFJ's are likely to be in the "helping" professions... .like a nurse... .which I am.

Hi FF - I'm an INFJ, The Advocate.

I'm the co-worker who always offers to help, then gets burned out because everyone "seems" to need my help. ;)

My (healthy) boyfriend asked me the other day, "Why don't you ask yourself why you need to help "x" person, because that seems to be the question YOU most need answers to". (This was after a conversation where I asked him for advice in distancing myself from a needy coworker).

The answer is in order to feel like I am a good person, I help. Too many times, and too often. It's a lifelong lesson I keep having to learn, over and over again. Apparently the "payoff" is the feeling of "goodness" and the momentary bump in self esteem.

I am pretty sure that my "helping" led me into a relationship with an unstable man with BPD.

God helps those who help themselves... back off and leave people to their own issues... It's ok to say no. Those are my mantras.

I think it's Galatians 6 that talks about bearing each others burdens, yet later each is supposed to "carry their own load".

I don't read Greek, but I heard a really interesting talk that said if you go back to original language "carry own load" refers to day to day stuff.  God expects you to carry all your own stuff (with the implication that you have some "reserve capacity" left to help others in the body.

"Bearing burdens" in the original language has to do with unusual things.  So, tornado blows off your roof, the entire church is called to help you "bear that burden".  Yet that same person would be expected to do their own day to day stuff.

Sounded legit to me.

FF

I test as either an ENTP or ENFP. I come from a home where the intellect was valued and feelings ignored. As I have become more feelings literate, my last test result was ENFP. What do you think?

Interesting... .when I first took the Meyers Briggs test years ago, I was more of an INFJ and now I'm definitely in the INTJ camp.

Feeling weren't quite ignored in my family, but they were not high on the priority list.  I definitely wasn't "validated" a lot, but it was rare to be "invalidated". 

So... .if I was sad, perhaps a quick hug, talk... .it'll be ok and I'll talk to you later after chores are done.  Feelings were there but life had to go on.  My wife on the other hand was totally "invalidated" for most of her life. 

My Mom was college professor and Dad had advanced degrees.  We definitely "thought" our way through life.

If people were upset with something... ."well they should do xyz and they'll feel better" was the dinner table comment.

Looking  at our Foos is really interesting...

FF

ENTJ (Commander), and it definitely shows

ENTJs are characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they’ve set for themselves. Perhaps it is best that they make up only three percent of the population

Emotional expression isn’t the strong suit of any Analyst type, but because of their Extraverted (E) nature, ENTJs’ distance from their emotions is especially public, and felt directly by a much broader swath of people

To people with the ENTJ personality type, emotional displays are displays of weakness

Cold and Ruthless – Their obsession with efficiency and unwavering belief in the merits of rationalism, especially professionally, makes ENTJs incredibly insensitive in pursuing their goals, dismissing personal circumstances, sensitivities, and preferences as irrational and irrelevant.

 

I did the test a while back (15+ years ago) in a workplace context and they got us all to stand in line in order of test scores for each category. I was both the most E and the most J in the room.   

My H tested as INTJ (Architect) which is 2pc of the population, mostly males. ENTJ is rarer in females and generally considered unbecoming for them! Interestingly the Internet thinks our personality types are highly compatible.

BetterLanes x

INFJ

So probably just a few of us


I so hear you

Solid work!  The first time I took the test I remember comments about being really high on the E and the T part... .if I remember right. 

FF

I'm INTJ--the mastermind MUAHAHA

I-Intoverted I'm an extroverted introvert. I am completely exhausted by social situations, but I enjoy being social. I may not carry a conversation easily, but I will engage in it if someone else guides it.

N-Intuitive-I have a strong intuition and often am able to see motivations going on behind the scene (in Christian circles, it's the gift of discernment). I have an uncanny ability to read people, although, once emotionally involved with the person, I do not notice their idiosyncrasies that would alert me to negative aspects of their character.

T-Thinking-I'm a facts person. I look at evidence to make a decision. I do not like to include emotion or feelings in my decisions. Those can lead you down the wrong path because they fluctuate. This aspect of my personality probably shows in my hard edges. I'm quite aloof and I know this really hurts my husband. I don't like sentimental movies or sappy love stories.

J-Judging I make decisions. The combination of N, T, & J allows me to quickly review facts and make an intuitive decision. Once I've made up my mind on something, I must be presented with more facts before changing my mind again. I tend to view situations a little

Leadership is a strong characteristic. I am always prepared to lead if no one else steps up or if there is a flaw in the current leadership. Perfectionism and a disregard for authority are strong in my type and I see this in myself. I'll buck any authority structure if it doesn't make sense.

Fictional INTJs: Walter White, Hannibal Lecter, Clarice Starling, Petyr Baelish, Gandolf, Katniss Everdeen, Mr. Darcy--all of which are characters that I relate to quite strongly.


Cat, as a female, do you feel like your personality type is more difficult because we are expected to be outwardly emotional creatures? For me, I've always had difficulty with other women. I have to make a conscious choice to express emotion more around other females. Men see my leadership abilities and I find that I get quite a bit of respect in public forums where my willingness to buck the system or make systemic changes are required

Hi TH,
Hey fellow INTJ—so glad to get to know you better! Basement Dweller is another one of us. Katniss and Clarice—I totally relate to them!

I really had difficulties relating to women until college. I think it was because what girls were interested in didn’t at all reflect my interests. I was clueless about fashion, makeup and all that “girly” stuff—still am. I just wear clothes that are comfortable and that I can get dirty, working on the ranch.

But in college I discovered a “superpower”—I easily make friends with guys and get included as “one of the guys”. This didn’t necessarily lead to getting dates, but girls suddenly wanted to befriend me because they saw how many guy friends I have.

I still relate to guys. It’s really funny when I need to hire somebody to do a project here. He (haven’t met any female contractors in this area yet) will start talking with my husband, but soon direct all the conversation my way because he realizes that I speak “contractor language” with all the correct building terminology while my husband, smart as he is, is clueless. Happens every time.

I have quite a few female friends now, for the first time in my life. They all cut me slack for being quirky and they’re all quirky in their own ways too. I’ve had a female friend criticize me for not being emotionally supportive when she needed that, and instead I offered strategy. (She’s my one very girly friend.)

I must admit that I frequently overlook how important emotions are to people. To me, it’s vital to examine my feelings, but I make choices based on logic, not emotions. So it seems really reckless to me when people let their emotions lead, instead of their intellect. (And that value judgment ultimately was created from having a flighty, untrustworthy BPD mother, then underscored by two BPD husbands.) But I guess it takes all kinds... .

Cat

This is interesting. It's been a long time since I last took the test, and I haven't really thought much about how certain traits play or don't play well with a pwBPD.

I am INTP, the Logician, "usually known as the philosopher, the architect, or the dreamy professor." I am, in fact, a philosophy professor.

This rings true for me: "The one thing that really holds Logicians back is their restless and pervasive fear of failure. Logician personalities are so prone to reassessing their own thoughts and theories, worrying that they’ve missed some critical piece of the puzzle, that they can stagnate, lost in an intangible world where their thoughts are never truly applied. Overcoming this self-doubt stands as the greatest challenge Logicians are likely to face, but the intellectual gifts – big and small – bestowed on the world when they do makes it worth the fight."

I think this is one of the things that keeps me in my marriage. I desperately want to "figure it out," and I always think there might be something I'm missing, or something I'm not thinking about that would show me that I'm mistaken. So lots of self-doubt about what I should be doing, and that can keep me stagnant.

This also rings true, and seems like a big problem with a pwBPD: "Purely emotional situations are often utterly puzzling to Logicians, and their lack of timely sympathy can easily offend."

This is also true of me, and problematic: "As their relationships progress, Logicians’ daily needs prove remarkably simple. Gifts, surprises, complex social plans and date nights are all fairly unimportant to people with the Logician personality type, but this is also one of their chiefest weaknesses – their partner may very much need these things, and it won’t even occur to Logicians to plan them out."

So there are certainly things here that ring true for me. Obviously, there's lots that doesn't, and these tests are prescriptive. But I think it does give us some insight, or highlight some natural tendencies that we should probably take a look at. Thanks for the nudge to look at this, FF.

Still an executive ESTJ-T

Darn those principles

And... .look back at some of the discussions that we've had with each other.  You will thoughtfully come up with a solution... .and then you entrench.

I do the same thing... .think... entrench.  

Sort of like WW1.  

I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing... more of one of those "it just is" things.

For me, when I get like that I want to hear from the other side in much smaller "bites" of information and decision making to find "exactly" where we start diverging... .then I focus on that point.

Because... .once we've diverged, it make's complete sense to me for you (or other thinkers) to stay on the same path (that doesn't bother me in the least).  It's the point where you go .1 degrees left and I go .1 degrees right where I want to understand better.

Also makes complete sense to me that once you've thoughtfully gone down the pathway for a while, that you will entrench.  I mean, if you have the principles right... .stay there.  Makes complete sense to me.

Reference the financial discussion about my wife.  My "principle" was that cussing an ATM shouldn't get you money.  So... .I felt completely (and still do by the way... . comfortable letting the ATM hand out zero dollars, even for "family things".

Because... ."I'm in my trench with my principles."

FF

It's good we have such a wide variety of personality types. It is not the personality type that matters but how aware we are of our preferences and how it affects us and how we interact with others. For example, I test as 100 percent intuitive and perceiving which makes me struggle with the opposite characteristics yet I learn a lot by developing ways of being that are not my preferred ways of being.

Agree FF. one of my new ‘skills’ is to be quiet in my trench, have. My view and allow others to have theirs. All too often I was shouting and getting on the machine guns from ‘my trench’ such that I didn’t hear anyone else... .I didn’t need to right?

Just because I’m right, doesn’t mean I have to tell everyone else they’re wrong.

Yep... .and a lot of times I let them "come to me".

So... .they want something or want to discuss, the discussion is ready.  Yet it's not "forced" or I don't "chase" them with it.

They have the option of skipping it... .although that usually "costs" them what they want.


Not to verge too far off the point of this thread... .but... .I see it that my wife has "full access" to all of my finances... ."through" the relationship. 

Said another way... .what principle says another person should have access to "your stuff" outside the relationship... .especially when they've "proven"  to be bad stewards in the past.

FF

This is a great thread! As a fellow INTJ, and a female one at that, I can relate to much of what Cat and Tattered have said. I want to weigh in more, but it has been a long and grueling 16 hour day for me today, much of which deserves its own thread.   

After a good night's sleep, I'm jumping back in. Have a good night (or day, depending on your time zone) everyone!   :hi:

Looking forward to "seeing" you tomorrow in this thread!

FF

Hi, FF! Hi everyone!  :hi:

Sorry for the delay in response. Yesterday was a long, hellish day.

I agree with Cat and Tattered that it's quirky enough being an INTJ, but it's also very odd for a woman, and yes, it does make it harder to fit in with other women... .except maybe the ones who are of similar type. It's not that we don't have the ability to feel things, it's just that we tend to be private about it, or not really showcase our feelings in most settings, or with most people.

Oddly, I have an ex (male) who is also an INTJ, textbook as well, and he and I were so incredibly compatible and had a lot of passion between us despite being calm and rational introverts. If it weren't for long distance and bad timing, I think we'd still be together. We are still very good friends.

Ironically he has a BPD GF now, and she's a handful. Low functioning, alcoholic, and a cutter. He's been through hell with her. He is incredibly private about it, and doesn't say a word to anyone - except me. I think we were equally shocked to find ourselves both in abusive relationships like this, when I was still with my ex. There is something to be said for the theoretical problem-solver types. We are fascinated by the psychology of BPD, and also drawn to want to understand and "solve it". Even for the most astute INTJ, BPD is still impossible.   That's where we run into problems. We can't fix it, and we can't deal with that, because we have to fix everything. And we usually can.

Here's a bit of humor: I once saw a funny meme that said "I'm not a remorseless psychopath, I'm just an INTJ!"

This because we are apparently Spock like creatures who feel nothing. (Not entirely true.)

Soo... .(and why that is relevant) ... .last night I actually had to have a rather extended sit-down, face to face with my BPD ex - in our former shared home.

 :cursing:

That was rough, but unavoidable. We have some important documentation that we need to work on together, and while he DID reluctantly cooperate with it, he used the time that he knew I was a captive audience to tell me over and over again that I was a psychopath, and vast and sundry other horrific insults. Keeping him on task was... .difficult. He just wanted to insult and provoke me. I was surprised at how dysregulated and angry he still is even after I moved out 3.5 months ago (at his demand) and haven't said a harsh or argumentative word to him since. I actually don't get it. He has gotten WORSE.

Among the things he said to me in the hour I was at his home:

1.) I am a psychopath.
2.) I fled the U.S. to Europe because I am fleeing my serial killer past. (He used to think I just worked for the CIA. I've been demoted, apparently.)
3.) He no longer calls me by my name now, but "J.D.". For Jeffrey Dahmer.     
4.) Initially, he started calling me "T.B." (for Ted Bundy). But when I thought that meant "tuberculosis" he switched it to J.D. for clarity.
4.) My ex-husband does not exist. I made him up.
5.) My parents do not exist. I made them up.
6.) I don't really have a sister. I made her up. She's a serial killer, and my alter ego, therefore... .me.
7.) I never loved him, I just wanted to do experiments on him.
8.) He was afraid to be alone with me, because I might stab him dead.
9.) He will never date again, because I have destroyed him for all women. I have destroyed him completely. He will never love again, because I destroyed that in him. (This was legitimately the only one that made me sad, but I know I can't take all the blame for that.)
10.) All of my personal effects were exactly where I left them 3.5 months ago. The ones I did not take with me. It looks like I never left. Even my favorite throw blanket is in the spot I left it in mid-June. I didn't even open that can of worms, and just said nothing.

So yeah. He was having a field day with my INTJ-ness. Always did.  I never was able to tolerate his rampant emotionality that well, and I no longer am hurt by his bizarre attacks. At all. So, yesterday, when he insulted me up one wall and down the other, and I didn't have so much as have an eye twitch, (I actually laughed at the J.D. thing which infuriated him) he pointed triumphantly at me and smugly declared he now had proof I was a psychopath.

But I'm just an INTJ! ;-)

Please excuse the duplicate number 4's. 

I guess that makes you a pretty unreactive-non as well.

I don't know whether my ESTJ-T makes me predetermined to being reactive or not but my W just had to light the touch paper and I was off like a rocket matching her emotional intensity like a shot... .although maybe the same ESTJ-T traits meant I could get my sh!t together once I understood how to rationalise the behaviour.

So true. The last thing I want to do is to air my feelings in public--that just seems so incredibly vulnerable like a dog rolling over and showing its belly. No thanks.


Love it! I've been called "robot woman".


How awful!     I think perhaps because he hasn't had you as a target for his dysregulations for months, so he's been saving them up.   I can imagine how it must have felt simultaneously humorous, frightening about his mental state, bizarre, and sad.

A fellow "psychopath" understands. 

I get accused of "being robotic" as well.

FF

So Red5 took the test ... .

And it says... .CAMPAIGNER PERSONALITY (ENFP, -A/-T)

"The Campaigner personality is a true free spirit."... .yup that's Red5!

"They are often the life of the party", .he he he... .yeah, ie' "typhoon party on Okinawa"?

... ."but unlike types in the Explorer Role group, campaigners are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others."... .yes, I agree with this, I do like to meet new people, and to make new friends, and to find mutual "camaraderie" with strangers... .yeah, "that's me"

"Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd."... .charming? ... ."independent" oh' h3ll yes!... ."energetic and compassionate"?... .yes, I think I am, depends on the moment, .I am a "helper", I like to help others succeed, I am a "fixer' (?)... .and I don't like to take ANY credit (attention) for anything, no way, give that to someone else... .

"Good Show" !

... .pretty much "spot on"... .the whole report was,

Thanks for the link Formflier !

Red5

Cat Familiar,
Being a woman that frequently tests as a NT, I have often found it easier to get along with men than women. The four NT personalities love to learn. I often have experienced women boring me with endless details about how unhappy they are in all their relationships in life whether friends or family. Now that I better understand my family dynamics, I realize at certain points in my life I was attracted to women who complained endlessly because they were unhappy people just like my mother and sister who are both BPD and NPD. I now seek different types of women to be around, and enjoy listening to women talk about the joys of being happily married and having children they love, and also seek out women who are able to talk about more intellectual interests. Growing up, I was close to my father when I was a teenager, and rejected by my mother. I am still learning to value myself as a woman, and not be one of those that values men more than women, a common dynamic in many cultures where men are considered to be superior to women.

Sorry for the delayed reply... .accounting class drawing to a close 

ISFJ the Defender, Turbulent style (which means sensitive to stress- yep)

The Defender personality is quite unique, as many of their qualities defy the definition of their individual traits. Though sensitive, Defenders have excellent analytical abilities; though reserved, they have well-developed people skills, and though they are generally a conservative type, Defenders are often receptive to change and new ideas.

Totally agree. I feel lots of strong emotion, but I am constantly analyzing my feelings, and those of other people.

I do have people skills (I have to, I have a job where I deal directly with the public on a daily basis) but it takes a lot of my energy. I am drained by all the interaction. Some people thoroughly enjoy conversing and interacting with people- it takes all I have and mostly I just fake my way through it. I feel so much better when I can get home and not have to be around anybody except s2 for a while.

I am pretty resistant to change sometimes, because I get anxious about it, but if it is for the right reason, or it is a change for the better, I can go with it. I'm pretty adaptable.

Defender personalities, especially Turbulent ones, are meticulous to the point of perfectionism, and though they procrastinate, they can always be relied on to get the job done on time.

That is definitely me. I might put something off, but usually it's because I am trying to take the perfect approach to it and then I will obsess over every detail until it's right. When the pressure is on to make it by the deadline, I make it every time.

Defenders take their responsibilities personally, consistently going above and beyond, doing everything they can to exceed expectations and delight others, at work and at home.

This is true both for what are actually my responsibilities and what I perceive to be my responsibilities-such as the feelings and well-being of another person. This is why I consistently give and give and take care of and take care of until I am absolutely exhausted from the effort.

Naturally social, an odd quality for introverts, Defenders utilize excellent memories not to retain data and trivia but to remember people and details about their lives.

Partially true. I know almost all my co-worker's birthdays (without using Facebook to cheat). But I do not consider myself naturally social. I scored 100 percent on the Introverted scale.

Traits I totally agree with:

Supportive. Defenders are the "universal helpers" who strive for "win-win" situations.

Meticulous and Careful. Defenders not only ensure that things are done to the highest standard but often go well beyond what is required.

Imaginative and Observant. Defenders have a "practical imagination" and use this quality as an accessory to empathy, observing others' emotional states and seeing things from their perspective.

Enthusiastic. Defenders strive to make a difference in others' lives, whether it is in a big way or a small way.

Loyal and Hard-working. Over time, loyalty develops and Defenders often form emotional attachments to the ideas and organizations to which they dedicate themselves.

Good Practical Sense. Defenders have the practical sense to actually do something with all their altruism, however, sometimes their ability to believe the best in people and to constantly help and give to others causes people to take advantage of them, knowingly or unknowingly.

Take things too Personally. Defenders have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations. Any negativity from conflict or criticism can affect them.

Some things I didn't necessarily find to be true of me:

Reliable and Patient. Reliable, yes, patient, not so much. I can be patient for a while in some situations, but sometimes frustration and impatience burst forth and it's hard to control.

Natural Parents. Some Defenders feel that parenting was the task they were born for. Not me, I struggled with it mightily at first, and still do. I love my kids very much, and I am a loving and nurturing parent, but I was never a person who was at ease with children. I never thought I would have kids at all when I was younger. I didn't even have an interest in the idea of having kids until I was in my late twenties. I certainly never expected that I would have six kids. But, since becoming a mom, I have constantly tried to learn and grow and be the best parent that I can be. One of my biggest fears is that I will mess my kids up and they will end up in therapy one day talking about the damage their mom caused to them... .or on a website like this one... .

Other traits that ring very true:

Repress their feelings. Defenders protect others' feelings as well as their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration, and may erupt in massive verbal attacks that all the future regret in the world won't blunt

---Guilty---

Overload themselves. Their strong sense of duty and perfectionism combined with an aversion to emotional conflict creates a situation where is far too easy for Defenders to overload themselves- or to be overloaded by others- as they struggle silently to meet everyone's expectations,especially their own.

---That is so me that it is scary----



Overall I think this is very, very accurate and explains why I struggle and have difficulty in certain areas- particularly in separating what is and is not my "problem" to fix or solve, and also in setting boundaries.

The Defender falls into the "Sentinel" category with Logisticians, Executives, and Consuls. We seek order, stability, security, and we work hard to maintain the way of things. We have a grounded approach, and prefer proven methods and honest accomplishment to self-indulgent exploration and esoteric ideas. We are happiest without drama and inconsistent people can test Sentinels' tolerance and provoke harsh judgment (wow, BPD).

Yes, yes, that is me, kind of weird for someone who scored in the "Feeling" range, but it is true.


Redeemed

I'm MEDIATOR (INFP-A)

I finally figured out that just because I don't easily fit in this culture's modality of what a woman is "supposed to be" that I'm fine with being an outlier. And accepting that quality in myself has somehow attracted a bunch of other outlier women friends.

It was brutal growing up and not fitting the mold and being relentlessly criticized by peers for being different. But now I realize that it gave me great personal strength to be able to swim against the current when I felt so inclined.

This describes my oldest daughter.  She "dabbled" in a few of the regular things that girls did (one season high school cheer, one season track, one season (fill in the blank) yet she was consistent with her horses and she was consistent with a group of "outlier" friends.  If you looked at the group it was really hard to find a common theme... other than "outlier"

Oldest daughter also has my "stubborn" streak.  She would stand up for her friends when they were picked on and also stand up to idiot boys that approached her in odd ways (cat calling... etc etc)

FF

Hello bpdfamily,

I didn't expect to make a first post on this particular board, but this was really interesting stuff.

I'm INFP-A the "Mediator". 

This seems to explain a lot about why I am where I am right now. Why I've hung on and stayed stuck for so long. At least a couple of years worth of devaluation too long, reluctant to face the reality of what is, vs. believing that things aren't as bad as they seem in the moment.

*welcome* !

I'm glad you picked this thread to jump into.  Also sad to hear that you think you have hung on for a couple years too long.  Whenever you feel up to it, I'd like to listen to more details.

You've found a safe place to share your story, I know there are others that would like to listen as well.

Best,

FF

I totally get you.   Am INFP too... .

And now that have been in al anon, and looking at my character defects, can work on the things i dont want in myself.  I can work on them because now I see them... .

Sincerely,
j