BPDFamily.com

Hey guys.  Many of you know I spend most of my time over on Conflicted.  Several threads over there kept bringing up personality types (I'm an ESTJ)... .so I started a thread over there to discuss and so we could get to know each other more.

Then there was a touch of debate about the best "home" for that type of thread and the idea was then created to do this type of thread for both boards.

So... .this is me.  Pretty scary how spot on it is.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60827.0

Goals of this thread.  

1. To get to know each other better on "learning".
2. To discuss how you personality has helped you in relationships.
3. To discuss how your personality has limited or challenged you in relationships.
4. To discuss steps for growth that mesh well with your personality.

Looking forward to it.

FF

Hi, FF! This is a great thread. I'm an INTJ, and very much to an absolute T., like you with your type. I suspect that this made it very difficult to deal with a relationship with a pwBPD, because I have such an intrinsic need for things and people to "make sense". I approach most things as if they are a problem that needs solving, and I suspect that I took this approach with my own (ex) partner without consciously meaning it that way. His complexity is likely what kept me interested for as long as I was, but in the end... .when he just couldn't make sense - I couldn't deal anymore.

https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

i got PROTAGONIST (ENFJ-T)

"Protagonists don’t need much to be happy, just to know that their partner is happy, and for their partner to express that happiness through visible affection. Making others’ goals come to fruition is often the chiefest concern of Protagonists, and they will spare no effort in helping their partner to live the dream. If they aren’t careful though, Protagonists’ quest for their partners’ satisfaction can leave them neglecting their own needs, and it’s important for them to remember to express those needs on occasion, especially early on."

whenever i would state my needs or wants, it would be seen as controlling or needy by my ex.

kinda sad reading my flaws but at the same time mostly spot on and the strengths are great
https://www.16personalities.com/enfj-strengths-and-weaknesses (https://www.16personalities.com/enfj-strengths-and-weaknesses)

So... .hopefully we can understand and sometimes chuckle at how each each "solved" similar problems.  The "making sense" thing (of BPD) was helped dramatically by my military experience.  I got to spend a lot of time in "developing nations" and got an intimate understanding that "they don't do things like we do" (here in USA).  Lots of "cultural awareness" training and all that.

So, when I found bpdfamily and (like many of us) was quite befuddled by the crazy... .a senior member mentioned to me that I should think of it like a "foreign language".  Things clicked.

There were many times in foreign countries where I hadn't a clue what was being said, but I had training on what they considered "polite" and "respectful", so I stuck with that at it generally kept me out of trouble.

So, when I started doing that with my pwBPD I was able to pull off some light validation and "listening" when in reality my thought process was "bless her heart... ."



Me too!  My guess is you would describe this as an "unconscious process".  My "computer" (brain) just does it and there is a solution ready to jump off my tongue.  With 17.5 reasons why... .sometimes it's good to be restrained and not share the last half... .you don't want to dominate things you know... . 

Military aviation helped this as well.  Aviators are "checklist driven" people.  I simply inserted a checklist in my thought process that said... ."1  Ask if they want help solving... ." ... ."2... wait for clear answer prior to sharing"

It still amazes me that some people "just want to talk it out" and then go on about their day, leaving the problem fully intact... .and unsolved.

I mean... who does that?

FF

I get INFJ -- The Advocate.

"INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all."

Evidently, we have a tendency to forget to take care of ourselves, too.

Haha! I ask myself that all the time. And the ones that neither talk it out, NOR solve it - but just sit there and ignore the elephant in the room... .that's truly baffling. 

https://youtu.be/uDY1z6ezqO4

Hahaha! Fantastic movie that was! :-)

I am an ENFP (Campaigner or Champion).

The description really matches me: creative, free-spirited.

What really got me was what happens to ENFPs if the relationship doesn't work out. My first marriage ended, for me disastrously, and it took me more than 10 years to date again.

If I wait more than 10 years this time around, I'm gonna be kind of old.   

So here's my goal: rather than looking for a relationship, focus on my other traits and develop those, and, if along the way, I should stumble into a relationship. Great. If not, great.

Great thread, FF.

TMD

I "parent" a lot by making points through movies.  Works especially well with my boys.


Whenever "unfair" comes up I use... .

https://youtu.be/OXyH1XkQo44

They get it right away and things quickly get defused.   Yes... .once or twice it's been tested and "I've left a garrison"... .better choices were made next time.

FF

formflier   :hi:

I tested as more "Feeling" and less "Thinking" under the "Nature" aspect. I bought my profile a few years ago.

Having an F over T aspect seems to give me more sensitivity when it comes to feeling emotions. This helps me express affection and understand the emotional elements more. This compares to my profile description of F+F pairs being "usually full of uncontained excitement and expressions of love".

Having relatively greater emotional sensitivity increases the tendency toward reactivity, I think. That's consistent with my profile description of F+F pairs having feelings "always running close to the surface".

What seems to have helped (unintentionally) is making a conscious effort to practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness generally is supposed to form a sort of harmony between thinking and feeling states, therefore practicing it will ideally manage emotions and give more room for logic (being a person tending toward F rather than T). This--in theory--will take the bristle off the emotions when emotions are running higher. That would then lead to calmer discussions about important topics. I think in practice that seems to hold quite well. Again, that's congruous with my profile's advice of, "There is a difference between being open with your feelings and allowing them to control all your decisions, and you will need to find a balance there."

Hi FF,

ESFJ-T

ESFJs love to be of service, enjoying any role that allows them to participate in a meaningful way, so long as they know that they are valued and appreciated. This is especially apparent at home, and ESFJs make loyal and devoted partners and parents. ESFJ personalities respect hierarchy, and do their best to position themselves with some authority, at home and at work, which allows them to keep things clear, stable and organized for everyone.

What I do know about myself... .I take any criticism ( constructive or not) to the heart and then I burn a lot of mental energy self examining.

I look back and realize what a rollercoaster it was doing something kind for my ex... .it was either thank you so much for what I did or it was finding the gift I bought her in the toilet the next morning. "Hello Kitty" had a new meaning when you go to lift the toilet lid up and see the Hello Kitty stuffed doll looking at you from the toilet bowl

I look back now and laugh

Hey ByFaith... good to see you around again!  Whenever you get a chance... .catch us up a bit on your life.

FF

FF, thanks for bringing this here.

I’m ISFJ. A Defender. I took the survey on the Self Assessment board a few weeks ago, but this approach has helped me to identify how much I have involved myself in Triangulation in the past. The rescuer. Having this personality type (which is an online assessment) can keep me open to being tested with those tests subtly increasing in intensity as well as putting my loyalty into question when I might question what is being presented to me.

When my loyalty is put into question it created instant conflict (JADE), doubt (Gaslighting) and it kept me in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Fear of losing her if I didn’t oblige her and the guilt of letting her down which allowed her to come back.

This is interesting.  I took the test when I was in college, way back when.   I don't remember what the results were.  I wonder if they change much over a lifetime?

My results today were that I am a ENFJ - protagonist.

I found these strengths and weaknesses on personalitypage.com

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

Good verbal communication skills
Very perceptive about people's thoughts and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Good money skills
Able to "move on" after a love relationship has failed (although they blame themselves)
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Strive for "win-win" situations
Driven to meet other's needs

ENFJ Weaknesses

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationships issues:

Tendency to be smothering and over-protective
Tendency to be controling and/or manipulative
Don't pay enough attention to their own needs
Tend to be critical of opinions and attitudes which don't match their own
Sometimes unaware of social appropriateness or protocol
Extremely sensitive to conflict, with a tendency to sweep things under the rug as an avoidance tactic
Tendency to blame themselves when things go wrong, and not give themselves credit when things go right
Their sharply defined value systems make them unbending in some areas
They may be so attuned to what is socially accepted or expected that they're unable to assess whether something is "right" or "wrong" outside of what their social circle expects.

I do want lifelong relationships.  I never expect relationships to end and am shocked when they do.  I have friends that I have known my whole life, and of course I was with my husband for about 2/3 of my life. 

I do always strive for a win win, which has been difficult married to someone who has blamed me for many problems.

My communication skills help me in my job and I often speak in public.

I do avoid conflict.  I can really ignore problems hoping they will go away on their own.  Easy for me to be in denial.

I do have a strong tendency to blame myself when things go wrong.

I can be overprotective and tend to overwork myself trying to protect others from anything and everything. 

These are good things to know about myself and to be aware of my problem areas, but my strengths, as well.

Thanks, FF for this thread.

Mustbeabetterway

im an infp. the "f" and "p" always came up around 50/50, but i am an introverts introvert, an observer, who relies on his intuition.

i also tick off most of the boxes of a HSP (highly sensitive person), except i am hardly stimulated by my environment at all in terms of lights, sounds, surroundings. its funny because people describe me as a very laid back guy. its true that im not a very outwardly reactive guy, but how i feel if im upset, bothered, offended, rejected, annoyed, or someone/thing otherwise gets under my skin, tends to be stronger than most people, and i would say that while people can typically relate, my inward reactions, my tendency to ruminate, are disproportionate.

i am a pretty obsessive guy (in some cases you might just call it "passionate"), and far more compulsive than impulsive.

i live in my head a lot. people tend to like me more when they see the less obvious/visible sides. im hard to get to know, and i dont think my best qualities stand out.

i have perfectionist traits, and theyre a double edged sword. its not that nothing is ever good enough. its that im rarely satisfied unless im doing my best work, and i trust my inner critic in that regard; i set a high bar, but i dont think im hard on myself. not the case when im dealing with people. truth be told, id almost rather interact with no one unless im at my sharpest, my best, on my "A game". i experience social anxiety at times, am very sensitive to rejection or embarrassment (i can be self deprecating and appreciate a good roast, so it depends on whether i feel misunderstood, judged, or "exposed"), and im both highly self conscious and highly conscientious. my inner critic is very overbearing and unrealistic in that regard.

on my good days im clever and creative, and if we are each talking about something we are passionate about, we could go for hours and get along famously. im a good confidant, too.


in hindsight, ive had to reevaluate exactly how strong and consistent some of these strengths are, but in general... .

conscientiousness goes a long way. i make consistent effort to make my partner feel loved. appreciated. supported. content/happy. heard. im thoughtful and considerate. a giver, a spoiler.

im deeply loyal to people close to me. im in your corner.

im a good friend in a relationship. im your buddy as much as your lover as much as your confidant.

i consider myself pretty romantic.


lets face it, my relationship history is a mess, so limits and challenges are a lot easier to opine about.

so in high school, i started off deeply obsessive, with "nice guy issues". any girl that paid me any attention occupied my head for the rest of the day and looking back at my journals (not easy to do) makes me seriously cringe with how i would invent a relationship in my mind with someone who had no reason to give me any thought. i was sappy and ridiculously sentimental. no one who otherwise might have been attracted to me saw me as dating material.

friends gave me some pointers and self awareness and it started to click, so i did better and had girlfriends. i still struggled with confidence, and with over pursuit, but id have one or two serious girlfriends a year, and a lot of opportunities i blew up. i was always pretty insecure in relationships (the whole "i think i like her more than she likes me" thing) unless the girl was pursuing pretty strongly, then i was pretty cool. i was always the one that was dumped, and i would spiral into obsession and depression for months on end when i was. i do have a significant fear of abandonment that manifests in different ways... .difficulty breaking up with people, difficulty being broken up with.

in my BPD relationship (my first adult relationship), i was a lot closer to the person i want to be in relationships. i was never insecure in my place. i was a good boyfriend. my best qualities shined. being my first adult relationship, it challenged me in new ways, that a lot of the time i didnt cope so well with. i distanced. i was extremely invalidating and dismissive. i wasnt as loyal as i thought i was. i could be pouty or passive aggressive, or worse.  


i believe self awareness is a catalyst for change, and knowledge is power. i see myself more objectively instead of as "right", or "virtuous" or a martyr in love, and im better at testing my reality. ive learned from bpdfamily so much about how relationships evolve, breakdown, devolve, and it has changed my perspective, which has over time changed my reactions. i read other people and personalities better. i have better tools and coping mechanisms. a better understanding of what i do want and dont want in a partner. im more resilient in the face of grief; i know ill be hurt again, and im not afraid anymore. i have changed and matured for the better, and i owe 100% of it to this place.

thanks for the opportunity ff. this is a good exercise.