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I just found out that my spouse has spent all of our savings... .it wasn’t a lot of money  but I had asked her several times  about the money over the past few months  and she always said it was in a safe place... .turns out she’s been spending it this whole time ( over 4 months )In short I can go on forever about past issues and problems but this betrayal hurt worse than any other I think because of the prolonged deception... .but I joined this group now because since I found out about the savings account I have lost all trust in this relationship, it’s hurts to care ,this is kinda the straw that I feel has broken the camels back. I know I love her but I also know that this marriage is very unhealthy for me
And she needs help that I can not provide, my patience is all but gone, is there hope for change?  she goes to therapy and knows she’s BPD but I honestly Think she lies to her therapist too. ( I can not be sure of that but I think that ) I am scared to divorce her as she has threatened suicide when I have tried to leave in the past
I love her but can’t deal with the lying amongst many other things that have occurred before this situation. It crazy cause she can be so amazing some times but for the most part I feel like I am living in the twilight zone and now am expected to accept this betrayal of trust with no consequences.  I am lost and feel trapped... .I would love for this to work out but when i step back and analyze what is going on in my life, what has been going on for some time now I don’t see any hope of a happy ending. It makes me really sad to think that this is what has become of my life and also that the person I love is so sick... .
Any suggestions ? I need help !

Hi Boogie,

You are in the right place... .

There are caring people here with experience in what is going on w your wife.
I am thankful you found us. 

I want to welcome you, and let you know that no situation is too difficult that can't be bettered.

There are tools, experiences, hope, help.
Read more here, share as much as you can about how your relationship started, how it was going, etc.  Whatever you are comfortable sharing... .

my experience is around a high functioning person w BPD, and him and i are currently separated after ten years living together... .wish I had found this community before the separation.  Guess we find what we need, when we need it.   I have gotten tools, comfort, and understanding. 

With kindness, j

Spending the money is bad. Have you talked to her about it?

Can you tell us a bit more... .how long you have been married, kids, etc.

I had a similar experience with my wife secretly taking money out of savings. It really was tough, and made me feel betrayed and angry. We are in a better place now. I do have a savings account to which she does not have access, but I will tell her the balance any time she wants.

There is hope for change, but mostly on your part. This site has a lot of good advice about how to deal with a BPD partner, read about FOG, SET, boundaries. But, life with a partner with BPD is challenging. Your trust must be tempered with are realistic understanding of their limitations.

It’s good to know that I am not alone ... .thank you for the response !
we have Been  married for 3 years , together For 5 ,no kids, we are in our mid- late 40’s
It’s been an ongoing struggle to do things with my wife, my heart wants to stay and make it wrk but my brain tells me there will just be another issue as with so many times in the past. It’s like I work my hardest to get ahead and I have chosen a partner that is always working against me ... .I’m scared to divorce for the fact that she has always threatened to kill herself if I left and has massive panic attacks when I even bring it up, then I feel horrible so I calm her down from the panic and reassure her that I will stay even though I’m not sure What I want to do... .She has a daughter from a previous marriage that I love like my own, she is a young adult and lives in another state.

I can totally relate to loving your partner but thinking it'd be better for you to move along. This was my central struggle a few years back, when my wife stole the money. I ended up changing my behavior based on things learned on this site and staying, it's working pretty well.

I suggest you try to improve things for some period of time, like 6 months, and then re-evaluate. The main path to improvement will be through changes you make in the way you interact with her, you have to commit and put in effort for this to work. Take advantage of the resources and support here. Even if you eventually decide to leave, you'll probably be doing it from a better place and with an improved relationship, which would be better for all. 

Is the problem that you feel bad about setting limits with her?

Maybe we can walk through this with you. Impulsive BPD spending is an issue a lot of people here are familiar with.

She is brave to be doing DBT and acknowledging her BPD. Do they have any family programs associated with the program?

You're sitting on a treasure trove of potential skills that could help you, similar to what you will find here.

Good day
Wondering Who is the top BPD therapist in the country ?
Is inpatient treatment an option and if so what is the top facility in the U.S. ?