BPDFamily.com

I had posted this earlier in the Improving a Relationship section - as that's where I started after joining this place and where I felt most at place just a week ago. But now I must say I am conflicted. What am I holding on to? Here I copy past the post:

This is my second post... .I am starting a new one because since my first post the situation has gone from bad to worse.

I am slowly starting to seriously consider quiting my marriage. Not many people know the full picture of my experience. But the few people who I have shared it with seem to be in full agreement that I must get out and move on. That I will never be as happy as one can be in life in this marriage and that I should quit not only to protect myself and my son but also to take a chance on new happiness with someone else.

And when I listen to them, it make sense. Why spend my life with someone who I know will keep making me unhappy, even if in between happy spells, when I could save my energy for myself and my son, and might even meet someone more reasonable to spend my life with?

My therapist also asked me: what is it that makes you hold on? And I find it harder and harder to answer that question. Yes, in the past, I have quickly felt better, the second my husband gets out of his rage and into soft-spokenness and apologies and promises I just feel good to be with him. But as the fights are getting more frequent these moments of feeling good have become rare.

So what is it that makes me hold on?
- the hope that it will get better again. But isn't this hope unrealistic? Even if I learn all the tools, and even if we get past our current fight and find some period of peace again, something or the other will keep happening and every time it will throw me of balance.
- the beautiful person that he can be. But if he is not that person most of the time anymore... .why holding on to it?
- the idea that my child should have his father fulltime?
- the idea that he really is the person that he can be, that this is supposed to be the real him. And that he therefore does not deserve to be left for being the person his disorder makes him to be? The idea that he does not mean the nasty things he says? That it would be selfish to choose my own happiness?
- the fear that he might get worse if I finalise our current breakup? I read someone else say that his wife threatens suicide if he leaves her. But this is not a good reason... .right? My husband in any case threatens suicide just so that he can add to that threat that it will be my fault and he will make sure to leave a letter blaming me. So if he threatens that in the relationship, it is not a reason to stay. But apart from his threats, a genuine fear that he will get extremely depressed and desperate.

Regarding the last, some context: he is now staying with a friend and says he won't come back. Since about a week. I have suggested therapy and initially he said yes and he also said that he would like to do something with our son on Sunday. Sunday he started messaging passive aggressive defensive messages like 'i should not spend time with the son, because I am such a bad father right, thats what you think, right' etc. I kept repeating that I think he is a good father and his son misses him. (I have never suggested otherwise. He has called me a bad mother though).

Then today he started messaging that unless I accept certain things, mainly that my mother is evil and cruel with intend, he cannot trust me ever and I have always been cold hearted yet he is shocked that I refuse to understand him etc. I have tried to validate all the emotions etc but he is insistent that I accept specifically his thoughts on my mum which I can't. I told him I see no solution and future and that unless he will take therapy with me there is no point to our marriage. He kept sending message after message to the extent I had to block him on all messengers and requested him to e-mail if he had more to say. He did not.

Then he started saying that unless I accept his truth he cannot have any relationship with our son also, because that would require some form of interaction with me and he hates me too much. So he will abandon our son and I have to tell him that his bad father abandoned him. I told him again that our son misses him and no matter the state of our marriage he can have a relationship with our child. I told him that I would never say anything bad about him to our son (he has btw involved our son directly once by telling him to his face that his mother was driving him out of the house. My son is 2,5 and I cannot believe he is doing this, while he himself always says how much he suffered from his parents fighting... .)

So in short... .it seems that he thinks he can blackmail me by involving our son and threatening to leave our son without a present father - which of course will hurt my son but would also hurt himself because our son is amazing and he will miss him... .I have some fear that leaving him would drive him insane and might hurt my son more somehow than putting up with him... .But again this is not a reason to stay with someone. I think.

I am not asking for advice and whether to stay or go. I came to this forum initially to save my relationship. But I am wondering from others: what is it that makes you stay? '

And in this page I can add: Or go?

Hi Alia,

I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw and they share two daughters. He was married 17 years.

I can share with you what he has shared with me (this is kind of simplified).

Why he stayed... .

He loved her
At first he didn't recognize the problem
He made a commitment when he married and honored that commitment
They had children
He felt duty-bound
He wanted to fix her and their marriage... .it was a mental challenge.
Fear, fear of being alone, of financially managing.

Why he left... .

The never ending problems and drama caused by his wife... .emotional and particularly financial (her brand of BPD is very tied to money)
His parents both at different times confronted him... .his father on his deathbed and his mother told him she didn't know who he was anymore.
He had an emotional affair via email with someone in his past that reminded him that he was lovable and attractive.
His ex was verbally abusive to their daughters
She had started alienating their daughters while they were together
He no longer loved her.

Panda39

Alia,
I can see that you have thought deeply about your situation and wonder if your relationship is sustainable in the long term, and even if it could be "managed" would it be worth continuing?

I just posted the following comment on another thread: "... .as a veteran of two BPD marriages. Some individuals are just too troubled to ever be healthy marriage partners and there's no shame in ending those marriages for the sake of one's own mental health. Other people have more flexibility to grow and develop new patterns and with those, one can have a fulfilling marriage, though BPD will always be a component in the background, as something to be aware of and dealt with at times."

My first husband was BPD on steroids: numerous instances of infidelity, extreme financial irresponsibility, verbal and physical abuse, suicide threats, etc. Why I stayed: I felt that I had made a commitment, I genuinely cared about him when he was being his "kind" self, I was stubborn enough to believe that I could change him (this reason was probably the most dominant).

My current husband is BPDlite. He drinks too much sometimes, but he's much better than before. The worst behavior I've seen from him was hitting himself in the head and telling me, "You like this. You hate me." It was so bizarre that I didn't know how to respond to that. But having learned the tools here and realizing how much I was inadvertently invalidating him, I changed my behavior and now his BPD symptoms are mild and infrequent.

I really do care about him, and the honeymoon phase is a distant memory, but we get along well most of the time. So this is a relationship worth keeping, unlike the first.

Cat

Alia- I think these questions are different for each member. I think they also involve our core values- our "deal breakers" that are individual for each person. For instance, infidelity might be a deal breaker for one person and another person may choose to try to work that out.

I think either decision, stay, leave, tolerate behavior, or have boundaries are not easy decisions. They all come with pros and cons. Although it is also board policy to not tell someone to leave or to stay, I also think this is because the process of growth that accompanies a person arriving at their own decision is important and also because even though pwBPD can have similar characteristics, each relationship is unique. My deal breakers or reasons to stay are not someone else's. I learned this from observing my parents' relationship- my mother is severely affected with BPD. I didn't think I could put up with some of the behaviors that my father did, but he had his reasons, and it was not my place to judge or tell him what he should do.

Each person in a RS with a pwBPD has reasons for staying... .or leaving.

The book "The Essential Guide... ." by Randi Kreger, gives a good discussion in the role nons play in their RS with BPDs.

It is worth looking into reading this book.

I am glad you are examining your emotions in you RS.   

Hey Alia, I think you are asking the right questions.  Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is the three-pronged pitchfork that those w/BPD use to manipulate a Non.  I suggest you decline to react to this kind of arm-twisting and, instead, try to figure out the right path for YOU.  You're in the driver's seat here, and your task is to find the best way forward for you and your son.  When you lose your bearings, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Many of us have been down this road before you, so you are not alone.

LuckyJim

Hi A,
Am separated almost one yr fm a ten yr living together relationship.

I was fed up when we separated.  I could only see the problems, didn't have this site, and had no one in my life that had experience w BPD.

Long story very short, started reading here, then posting, reading on codependency, and i started going to al anon.   Him and i separating really didn't help anything, and my life got worse, because i missed him, and he was not the source of all our issues... .my attitude sucked.  I had no objectivity, no tools,( that i got here) and i was listening to people who weren't vested in this relationship.

Now, i have this community, i have a trusted friend I can share with, who doesn't just want to be dismissive, and say, why do you... ., and how come you are... .  I do not seek criticism, or anything like that.   Also, i dont need advice from anyone who does not have experience.  Also, what people do share, is just their opinion.  No one knows what is best for me... .

Thru prayer, meditation, looking at my part, pausing when i want to say something, so many ways of being to learn.  it's a journey.

With gratitude, j

Hi A,
Am separated almost one yr fm a ten yr living together relationship.

I was fed up when we separated.  I could only see the problems, didn't have this site, and had no one in my life that had experience w BPD.

Long story very short, started reading here, then posting, reading on codependency, and i started going to al anon.   Him and i separating really didn't help anything, and my life got worse, because i missed him, and he was not the source of all our issues... .my attitude sucked.  I had no objectivity, no tools,( that i got here) and i was listening to people who weren't vested in this relationship.

Now, i have this community, i have a trusted friend I can share with, who doesn't just want to be dismissive, and say, why do you... ., and how come you are... . I do not seek criticism, or anything like that.   Also, i dont need advice from anyone who does not have experience.  Also, what people do share, is just their opinion.  No one knows what is best for me... .

Thru prayer, meditation, looking at my part, pausing when i want to say something, so many ways of being to learn.  it's a journey.

With gratitude, j