BPDFamily.com

I am getting drained. I am typically an optimistic and positive person. I want to look on the brightside of things and hope for the best in situations.

However when uBPDw is overly charged with negative feeling about... .well every thing in life, I try to put a positive spin on it and try to lift her spirits. It is getting to hard. I know I'm not responsible for other people's feelings but I can't just sit back and agree with her about how much everything sucks. That feels just as bad and then I start seeing things that way.

Anyone else run into this?

Sometimes you need to lead by example.  Don't argue with her about how bad things are or are not and don't try to make her feel better.  Just keep yourself in good spirits, and if she's determined to be Debbie Downer on steriods and rant about how bad life sucks, distance yourself.  It will work out so that you lead the way to feeling happy by being happy.

I'll give an example.  My wife (married in March, I don't look or post much here anymore, not sure if everyone is up to speed on that development) is a teacher.  But she's not working in the schools.  She was doing online tutoring, english lessons for kids in china, etc.  When we first married, the deal was I'm the breadwinner, she makes the recreational money part time and takes care of the house.  She got bored quick.  So then it was try a PT receptionist job.  Hated it.  Then try a volunteer spot.  Not bad, but not satisfying.  Now it's trying PT sub teacher work in the schools.  Very hit and miss, and she's overall not satisfied with it.

She was getting super down, not really happy, bitchy at home a lot, etc.  I ended up basically telling her that since we got married, she has gotten EVERYTHING she wanted.  When she wanted to try out various jobs and things to do with herself, she has literally gotten everything she went after.  And the more she gets what she wants, the miserable she has become.  So go look in the mirror because what she says she wants is clearly not what she really needs.  In the mean time, I'm not gonna spend a lot of time around her when she's in her moods because to me, life is pretty d*mn good right now.  We've got plenty of excess cash, my job is going very well at least, we've got great home nice home, good social life, things with son and his pdMOM are actually on a good footing right now.  I mean, life is overall really good right now and free of big stressors.  That was received with wide eyes, shock, etc.  Next day, she said "Waddams, you're right.  I need to get a better grip on this, I just need to find something I find satisfying outside the house but I'm letting this get to me too much when life is pretty good".  Things have been better since then.

So a combo of confronting instead of comforting (ie - a reality check) and leading her in being in better spirits is what I'm doing.  It was a reality check for her.  It's not our job to make anyone else happy.  Entertain yourself, make yourself satisfied and let her know she's welcome to come along with you in that fashion.  She can also choose to remain as she is, and you're gonna keep a distance and a boundary from the negativity.  It's up to her.

But to make it work, she has to know that you're gonna follow through on your word.  And you have to be willing to let her be unhappy and mad at you until she comes around.  And you have to be willing to just go do this on your own if she won't listen to the reality check, starts raging instead, etc.  If the respect isn't there to at least hear you out, you establish the respect by establishing distance and going and being happy, satisfied with what your doing in life, and not interacting with her if she's going to be disrespectful. Another way to think of it is to get comfortable making your own happiness and life satisfaction without her approval, and even in the face of her disapproval or worse.

Yeah, I'm doing this right now and my husband is kinda irritated that I'm having such a good time hanging out with friends, doing my chores here on the ranch, just being me. (I'm not supporting him in his "everything sucks" modality and it's making my life much better.)

Really who wants to hang out with someone who gripes, doesn't appreciate how good they have it, just wants to play victim--why would I want to be around that?

@Cipher:  similar situation with my wife frequently.  When she gets in those moods when everything is doom and gloom, I try to validate and say something along the lines of "sounds like you are having a really hard time; I care about you and how you're feeling; I'm on your side and rooting for you."  Then be prepared to give her space and go do my own thing and have a good time, regardless of her emotional state.

@Waddams:  congrats on the wedding!  Kudos to you for delivering a healthy dose of truth to your wife - sounds like she responded in a healthy way.

Hi Cypher,

I understand what you are going through. With by BPDX I was always the one trying to be "up with people" to counter her negativity.

It wore very thin over the course of our seven years together. Being in a relationship now with someone who lives on an even keel has been such a relief, although I was waiting for the other shoe drop for the first three or four years we were together.

You don't have to responsible for someone else's happiness. You are worth happiness.