BPDFamily.com

First thread on here after reading for the past 6 months. Over the course of the past few months I have been trying to detach from my uBPDexgf of 1 year.

I met her on a dating app this time last year and just like everyones story she came on fast and strong. She was charming/beautiful, so the attention was nice as I was going through a hard time in life, but that was the first (of many!) red flags I ignored. I was a bit nervous about the amount of attention I was receiving, but I do well with women so I  took it as a (much needed at the time) ego boost.

She had just recently moved from Washington state to California to run away from her "cheating" and "abusive" ex husband of 4 years (poor guy, little did I know she was the cheating and abusive partner in the relationship). She is in her early twenties and I was the "first" person she had dated since the divorce. I was the white knight savior she had been looking for! She had found her soul mate and I had found mine, it did wonders for my ego and self esteem as I seem to lean a bit towards narcissism, but I digress.

The first 3-4 months were too good to be true, but you know what is soon  to follow. Not to go into too many details, but the year that followed was a living hell... Raging, physical abuse, std accusations, accusations of physical abuse (never touched her), gun pulled on me, 2 recycles, cheating, etc... etc... all while practically begging me to marry her. you know, the normal stuff!  :hi: I Over the course of the relationship I slowly began to recognize what was happening, it felt like I have been a part of this dynamic many, MANY, times before as I tend to attract cluster B women. My mother is a diagnosed (but self aware) BPD with narcissistic tendencies. My new relationship mirrored that of the relationship dynamic ive known my whole life! but that's a different story.

Fast forward to this past July: we had been dating for 9 months when I received a message from udBPDex ex husband outlining a much different account of their relationship and the divorce to follow. Come to find out all of the stories I (and all of our mutual friends) were being fed about what he had done to her, was actually what she had did to him. She was physically abusive and had 5 affairs over the course of their 4 year marriage. At the end of their marriage she packed up without saying a thing and moved in with her affair partner. They then moved from Washington to California to get away from her "terrible" ex husband and start fresh. Hearing all of this was very validating as I felt like NOBODY understood what I was going through and the abuse I was taking for idk what reason. He then began to tell me the timelines for all of these events, come to find out not only was she still married at the time I met her, but she was having an affair with me on her affair partner, ended up ghosting him (got his name from ex husband and fb messaged him asking for details and told him the truth about the situation). all the while technically still having 2 affairs on her ex husband as they were still not officially divorced (try to keep up! )

It was crushing to me to say the least. My gut had the feeling she may have been cheating, but I was never able to prove it until that point. I let her walk over other boundaries, but cheating is an absolute deal breaker to me. I called her and told her I received the messages and know the truth and went no contact following. NC allowed me to feel good about myself and regain any self respect/ control I had left. I was healing, I was feeling good! A month of silence on her part, then she started with the apologizing, love bombing, "youre different" , etc etc via email as I had her blocked on everything else. I ignored this for a month or so, but slowly began to spend time together as we neared September (our one year mark).

Fast forward to the night of our 1 year anniversary. We decide to grab dinner and drinks at a popular restaurant downtown where our group of mutual friends tend to frequent. At this point the only people who know what truly happened is the ex husband, me, her, and her other affair partner; our mutual friends all think I am a controlling and abusive person due to her previous smear campaigns. We are having a great night when I see one of her friends sitting at the bar motioning for us to come hang out. I didn't want to spend our 1 year with her friend, but was afraid if I were to rock the boat and say this it may cause her to react and ruin the night, so I roll with it. The moment her friend came into the picture, the whole tone of the night changed. It went from "I love you, lets get married" talk to "I don't even know why im with you, don't talk to me" almost the second she got involved. I had a few drinks and wouldn't tolerate the disrespect after everything that had happened, so I decided to "unmask" her and the truth for her friend to hear. Told her EVERYTHING right in front of my BPDex, I could see the panic and rage in her face. It honestly felt GREAT in the moment (still does most the time honestly), but sometimes I do feel bad as I know it probably hurt her more than I could understand (there goes my co dependency).

It has been exactly one month since that night. I have reached out twice since, once telling her "I still love you" (drunk), and the other was a nasty email I sent when I was upset thinking about everything that happened, both without response. I am getting the silent treatment. It had happened once before when she felt I had slighted her, but only lasted a week. It honeslty has been a blessing not being in contact for the past month as I have felt a lot of healing and processing taking place. I am slowly coming out of the fog and it feels GREAT. A part of me of course still wonders, so my questions is, do you think she will break silent treatment after I outed her in this fashion?

She tends to go back and talk to some exes, but others she paints black and that's it. Id like to think she loved me and cared for me more than some of the other men, but that's probably more of an ego thing than anything.

Sorry for rambling, this is my first post and it has felt really good getting it out as I haven't spoke to anyone about this besides ironically my mom (!). Anyways, any advice would be awesome. Thanks




 

This Life house song says it all brother. Get off the carousel and keep moving forward. Better days and people are ahead.

If shame had a face
I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes?
Would you believe me
If I said I am tired of this
How here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this
So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around i know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
I never thought I'd end up here
I never thought Id be standing where I am
I guess a kind of thought it would be easier than this I guess
I was wrong now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this
So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this
Sick cycle carousel,
This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah
So will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
When will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around
I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel

Love that brother! Thanks

Hey M&P, It could be that she is experiencing shame after that last episode, which might be why you haven't had a response.  Shame can be an undercurrent for those w/BPD.  Shifting gears, it sounds like you are kind of hoping to hear from her again, perhaps with the hope of recycling? Would that be fair to say?  If so, plenty of us have recycled so you're in good company.  If not, why sweat it?

LuckyJim

Thanks for the response Lucky! This is a first and it feels so GOOD to have people to talk to and understand

Yes it could very likely be shame. The look on her face when the "unmasking" occurred was that of embarrassment and hurt. I have a lot of conflicting feelings on this episode as I don't know whether I should feel justified in revealing the truth or upset that I did so with the intentions of hurting her how she had hurt me that night and MANY times before.

More conflicting feelings regarding the recycle. I alternate between being grateful for the much needed space to attend to my own issues/ hurt feelings, while at the same time wanting her to give a damn. Digging deep and answering the question truthfully, I would say I want a recycle, but know logically it would yield the same results. So yes, It would be fair to say I want a recycle despite the hurt feelings and bruised ego I know would soon follow.

That's sad but true. Makes me feel weak and bad about myself as I try to pride myself on making logical decisions, this is about as least logical as it gets.

Hi MeandPeppa,


I agree with Lucky Jim she probably felt humiliated in front of her friend, there's no judgement here I completely understand how things get pent up from the things that a pwBPD do to us, nobody's perfect. I also agree Lucky Jim it sounds like you're worried if you're going to hear from her again. She probably felt it but she has coping mechanisms and she won't process it it doesn't mean she's not going to forget.

Have you thought about cutting it back on drinking the situations you mentioned in your OP drinking was involved.

There is only so much abuse one can take, I feel terribly that I choose to show that publicly by shaming her. I very badly want to apologize but wont for the sake of
1. not breaking NC 
2. Nothing I said was a lie, noI am allowed to be hurt. I do believe it was a mistake but when do I get to be hurt without worrying about what she is feeling (codependency at its finest)

Yes, I do think about whether or not she will contact me and what she will say frequently throughout the day. As a month has passed today I find the thoughts have slowed down dramatically, but they are still there. Hard to turn feelings on and off, but they are becoming manageable! 

Drinking has never been an issue with me, but it was very much her "drug" of choice as I would consider her on the brink of alcoholism (not judging, I too battle substance abuse in the form of weed and painkillers). Most of the worst episodes involved her and I drinking (the time she pulled a gun, threw a rock threw my window, physical abuse, I could keep going). Any mention of this was met with extreme hostility and denial so I avoided the subject all together, enjoyed the sporadic good times drinking brought, and essentially enabled the addiction and bad behavior.

Thank you for your response, As Ive stated above this is tremendously helpful, thank you