BPDFamily.com

This is my first post.  My wife has filed for divorce.  She has expressed thoughts of suicide throughout our marriage.  She has been verbally abusive to me and at times has been physically abusive.  I have custody of the children.  Rather than seeking help, she is working with her attorney to make false allegations against me and is trying to malign my character.

She shows all the symptoms of someone with BPD.  Strong fear of abandonment, idealization and devaluation, sees everything in black and white, explosive anger, depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, trauma in her early twenties, very sensitive, suicidal ideation, feelings of emptiness, history of eating disorder, problems with relationships, substance abuse issues... .

She has turned our neighbors, friends, and family against me.  The children are scared of her and do not want to be with her.  She is telling others that I was verbally and physically abusive, which is not true.  She is telling people that I am keeping the children from her out of spite and in an effort to hurt her and the children.  I believe that she believes her own lies.

It is as though my wife is a completely different person.  In the past, she would soften and feel remorse after her episodes of rage and depression.  Now, she tells me that I am a bad man and says she prays God will forgive me for taking her children away from her.  Her sister wrote me today and said I am the worst husband and father ever.

I am trying to protect my children, and I want my wife to get help.  She refuses to get help.  The marriage is over and cannot be salvaged.  I am tired of being blamed for being the “bad” guy.  It is exhausting and painful.

You will find that our peer support is invaluable, we've been there, done that.  Very good that you have custody of the children.  I presume that means physical, not yet legal?

We've found that most courts are reluctant to grant one parent full custody, at least legal custody, unless there is documentation to support it, and also not until court has had its own fingers in the mix for a while.  Courts expect parents to figure it out and then the emotions and conflict fades once time passes.  Of course, when BPD (or some other acting-out PD) then that expectation goes out the window.  Not that the courts won't still try to make 'joint' work, but we realize eventually the court will have to face the reality that the obstruction and opposition aren't fading away.

I think one perspective not to have is that court will be super fair.  Typically courts are, to an extent, "less unfair" than the ex.  That doesn't mean you don't seek what is best for the kids, just don't be surprised when court is reluctant to go outside its usual process and outcomes.

I am sorry you are going through all of this.  How far are you in the divorce process?

You can't fix your wife.  You can't make her get help, and even if you could, you can't make her process it or change her ways.  She doesn't want to believe she has problems.  Much easier if it is all your fault.  You know this intellectually, but it will take time for you to process all of that emotionally.

How are you doing in self-care?  Do you have a therapist to talk to?  Are you taking some time to take care of yourself and not just be an awesome dad all the time?

How old are the kids?  Do they have a therapist to help them through all of this turmoil?  How often do they see their mom?

Hi Cool Hand,

I'd like to just pop in and say Welcome  :hi:

And share a book that you might find helpful to read, my significant other did... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy

Glad you found us,
Panda39

"I am trying to protect my children... ."  That is your priority at this point.

"and I want my wife to get help... ."  Don't expect a 'fix'.  Court usually deals with the parents as they are.  Most courts seem to order Parenting Classes but that's for all divorces.  It may order Anger Management in some more extreme cases but, again, it doesn't try much more than that.  For that reason, you need to present documentation of the poor behavior to obtain as appropriate an order as possible.  Courts move slowly, often starting with their 'standard' orders so it is imperative you do your best to inform the judge of the specific issues so you don't get a one-size-fits-all temp order.

Be aware temp order hearings are quite brief, mine was maybe 30 minutes at most.  Make your time there count.  Don't get sidetracked or derailed by less important complaints.  Your lawyer may say temp orders don't matter much.  Mine estimated my case would be 7-9 months.  He was so wrong, my case took nearly two years from filing to final decree.  Most here had divorces that took 1 to 2 years, a few even longer.  You don't want to be struggling with a long but lousy temp order, the court may not be inclined to fix what is supposedly a 'temporary' order.

My then-spouse had split me black months before our marriage's implosion.  Post separation it only ramped up more.  That's just the way it was and didn't decrease until after the divorce was over.  She was still very entitled and that didn't weaken enough to be considered 'manageable' until a few years later when I had both legal custody and majority time.

We started out with our county's typical orders.  I had two temp orders, one for the separation and another for the divorce, both cast me as the alternate weekend dad (I was the one that worked a regular 5 days a week work schedule) and had me paying my ex child support during the divorce case.  This didn't make sense because (1) when we were first in domestic relations court for a temp order I was protected in a Threat of DV case in municipal court and had temporary possession of the home, and (2) during the 3 months between the orders she blocked all contact with our preschooler and all the magistrate did was reinstate the prior parenting schedule, no make up time for me and no consequences for her.

Odds are, unless the court sees your spouse as a risk to your children (substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment) she will likely get at least some parenting time.  That's why you having documentation of her poor parenting behaviors will really help you.  (Her conflict with you and lack of cooperation with parenting won't have as much weight and concern with court, you're both adults whereas the children as minors get more protection from the court.)

Also understand that court won't try to protect the children from every little negative, whether verbal or physical.  Your lawyer should be able to help you determine what the court may likely consider 'actionable'.

The longer you have majority parenting time, the better the History of parenting time.  Of course, if it's contested now, then court may ignore the more recent time while the conflict has been heightened unless you can convincingly describe why that was best.


Do you have documentation of her suicidal threats or expressions?  Emails, texts, witnesses?  Whether she is truly suicidal or not, those thoughts can question how much responsibility she ought to have with custody or parenting.  Of course, expect her to deny it, along with any other poor behaviors.  That's why documentation is so helpful.  Court is all too willing to view unsupported "he said... .she said... ." as too vague and therefore weak hearsay.

Also of help may be her mental health history, if she's been evaluated at a hospital or in therapy.  Most of our ex-spouses Denied their issues and refused therapy so that contributed to seeking resolution in divorce court.  BPD is a disorder more evident the closer the relationship.  You were too close to your spouse for the emotional baggage of the relationship to let her really listen and respond to you.  It's that Blaming and Blame Shifting on steroids.

As for her family bad-mouthing you, that's only to be expected.  Likely she's their information source and you know what sort of slanted claims she's telling them.  Also, too often blood is thicker than water.  She's their relative, you're just the guy she married.  It may be similar with mutual friends too.  You may feel they can all be trusted to have good sense and observations but you won't know for sure until they side with her.

Panda's recommendation of Bill Eddy's SPLITTING is crucial in our high conflict cases.  If you haven't read it already, get it ASAP.