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I find it odd sometimes the things I "latch" onto that really bother me.  Perhaps a bigger picture view is that I'm still shocked sometimes by lack of consistency.  (I mean... .really FF?)

We started off the school year with great intentions, actually had some reasonable talks, I spent some money on organizational things that she asked for and kids agreed would be helpful.  

So... in the girls rooms (D5 and D7 share a room) there is a really neat hanging organizer.  7 different sections
so each day of the week can have a complete set of clothes.  Each section is broken down further with slots for undies, socks etc etc.

The "agreement" (eye roll) was that my wife would supervise kids creating a weeks worth of clothes organization on the weekend, so that there was nothing for kids to think about during the week.  Just grab stuff from the slot and go.  Also made it easy for me to help, since I wouldn't have to debate if something matched or otherwise was appropriate.

I do most of the laundry in the house, but "final stowage" is left up to the user of the clothes.  I'm a not a parent that "hovers", but I do follow up and ask things like "All your clothes put away like we talked about... .?"

So... .things were running late this morning... .girls were trying to get shoes on by the front door with no socks. To keep things moving quickly I went up to grab  a couple pair.  

In the organizer... nope.  D5 had 1 pair... .1.  I looked in clothes drawers.  None.  Zip zero nadda.  

There aren't many dirty clothes... I was actually "feeling ahead" on the laundry load. (which never ends with 8 kids)

Well... .FFw grumped a bunch about no socks... why can't we keep up with socks... .etc etc etc.  I didn't engage in the moment... .they got off to work/school

Once all the kids get home... .we'll have a "find the socks work party" and get them all to the right places.

I suppose I'm worried about it because I know how to solve this, but I don't know how to solve this without FFw ranting... making public judgments... etc etc.

Or... .she could ignore it... .or sometimes is supportive.  

The randomness is the odd thing.  Along with an large number of socks.  About 20 pair total.  I mean... .where could that many disappear to?


Skip started a thread about recurring arguments.  There is me trying to impose order and my wife appearing to want to impose chaos/undo order... .then being shocked that she gets results of chaos and wanting to blame someone else for those results.



FF

How important is it.


Its way better for my children to learn gratitude, being of service, kindness.  enduring gifts.

My $0.02

I tend to agree with Juju. I tend to measure the lesson I want my kids to learn as well as the cost. Responsibility and keeping up with belongings would be weighed along with the whole of the child and my relationship to them. I am not sure the lesson over socks is worth the strain on the relationship with the child for being seen as the sock police and the tension with a spouse.

I know you are a military guy and like order, but it's hard to order kids like one would adults in the military. A basic order and routine is important but kids are also spontaneous and not always orderly by nature- and we also need to nurture that as well.

The sock issue reminds me a little of the Von Trapp family where the father wants order and then Maria comes along and disrupts it and the kids love it. The difference is the officer also loves Maria and you and your wife are at odds. But she isn't you- she probably has to be creative and spontaneous at school and at home while keeping a basic routine.

The kids are 5 and 7. I can guess where the socks are. In the playroom where they took them off but were so engaged in their playing they forgot them. In a corner somewhere along with underwear where the 5 year old had an accident and peed on them. In the yard where they were running and one fell off ( cause they ran outside in socks ) and they kept on running. Somewhere in the bowels of the dryer because the dryer eats them. In the yard where the dog who ate a sock pooped it out. As a pretend sleeping bag for their dolls.

I understand that socks for 8 kids would be a significant expense but in my house they are a perishable item- something you pick up a giant bag of at Wal Mart when you buy school supplies, household items and snacks for the kids. I don't know where all the socks go but they disappear, they get holes in them, the elastic wears out and although I can hand down some clothes from  a child, socks don't last long enough. That may just be our house, and I don't have 8 kids, but if I did, I think I would be so focused on the task of keeping up with them, that I would have no clue where the socks are- but a giant bag of socks from Wal Mart would be on the agenda if we ran out of them.

I understand the irritation but I don't know if it is worth making a lesson out of it.

I guess you guys are looking at this through the point of view of the kids.  I totally believe I can handle that in a way that is fine with kids.  

Natural consequences.  Socks aren't in room... .we go find socks.  They are your socks... .go find them and oh by the way I'll help and do it with you (not for you).

I'm also ok with kids going to school without socks on for a day or two... .it happens.

My wife is NOT OK taking her kids to her school without socks on.  I get that... I support that and I'm willing to help solve that.  I'm not willing to be part of blame.

I'm also not willing to be part of a power struggle dysregulation... whatever (BPD thing) where there is sabotage of normal chores... normal things were kids are responsible for their stuff.

Clarity:  My military self would say all socks need to be accounted for... .I understand that isn't going to happen and I shouldn't push that.  BPD would tend to say no socks should be accounted for... .you just need to blame someone else.

I'm trying to find some sense of normal where there are socks for kids to put on and seeing that as compromise between the two poles.

I could be overthinking this and my wife could be fine with it... or... . I guess that's my frustration... .the potential for a public blowup over socks isn't going to come from me.  I certainly would try to be flexible and not directly confront this... .let my wife experience consequences of sabotage (should she choose that).

Perhaps I'm frustrated that BPD shows up everywhere... .even socks.

Here's hoping she doesn't make an issue of finding them...

FF

Hi ff,

Now I re read your post.

I see that it looks like when i fight a battle that hasn't happened yet.
We can't be oblivious.  True.
Also, my energy, capacity for grinding exceedingly fine is limited... .

If i can get it straight what my boundaries are with myself:  what i am going to think, speak, process, give to my Higher Power, act on, it's a beautiful life for me.   Big IF.

Also, i never want to get in between him and consequences.   Water is wet.

I say "him" cause my battles w socks is long over w my kids... .
Oh, and, my one sponsor, hearing stuff like this, she would say, how is your self care going.  What have you done about self care?

and.
What helps me is the slogan,
How important is it.?

And the serenity prayer.

With kindness,

j

To me... .not very.  Again... I'm ok with a couple no sock days at school.  My wife isn't. 

Self care has been above average.  Stepping back things have been calmer recently between my wife and I... and calm around the house. 

If it were my decision, I would skip socks and stay calm.  And perhaps that should be the focus.  I'm willing to help with socks and if things stay calm, that's what I do.

If my wife wants to harangue (vice solve) socks I could go care for myself.  However, the downside is whether my kids view this as "being abandoned" to my pwBPDs "whatever".  Really that would depend on how bad BPD presents... .whether I walk away or intervene.

 FF

Ok.

Its good.

And, i dont want to boggle my mind.
How come I am always thinking about (him)   and all the issues (is it an addiction, to run scenarios.?)
Idk.

All this ... .wears me out.

if I put all this energy towards curing homelessness in my city, something would get done and i would feel good about myself.
My daily minutiae, not so much.

What are the people in my life going to share at my funeral?  She was excellent at making sure everyone in her family were under her thumb.

Or would they say, she had challenges in her home life, and encouraged me to rise, fly, be my authentic self

Hey FF,

My sister once said to me “but it’s just not important to some people” when I was discussing with her my frustrations as to why certain things aren’t done, or cared for or checked... .now, I get that this isn’t the point as your W does care about socks bing worn and you have both discussed it... .however, if I’m reading this correctly there is some confusion over what everyone wants and everyone cares about.

I wonder if you would humour me and draw a few Ven diagrams. One for what each group in your family say they want, and one for what is important to each group. There is a disparity between the 2 and I bet you that what is achieved is what is important to all... .however you, or the process doesn’t encourage training to align ‘it’ being important to everyone.

Since no one other than you has adopted responsibility for the process and you haven’t allowed the process to fail sufficiently so such that everyone can see that the process failed no one has yet cottoned on to the fact that owning their part of the process IS important. You agreed a process, you completed your part of the process and others didn’t... .let the ball drop. Now, I suspect that since you’re prepared to allow the kids to go to school with no socks on and you’re a bit meehh about things it’s not actually that ‘important’ to you, what’s more important is the fact that ‘the assets’ (socks) have vanished post you doing your bit. You’re like me I suspect in that you hate waste and hate leaking assets through careless behaviour. Soo, you’re at the door, you know your wife expects socks to be warn as it’s important to her (not so much you) you fight the battle with the kids before your wife does because you have a process and the process is important to you as is finding the assets as is keeping your wife from blowing her top about socks not being warn. Inadvertently you have rescued your wife and the kids from the natural consequences of their failure to follow the agreed process.

Wearing socks, getting to work on time and an easy life was important to your wife

The assets being cared for and accounted for, the process and your wife’s mental state were important to you

Your kids couldn’t give a flying one as long as they got to school and no one shouted at them

What would have happened if you just stood there, gave a blank dumb stare and said “well I washed enough socks, we agreed a process.”?

You then owned the rescue party in the evening going on the sock hunt.

What is important to you? The process? Your wife’s mood? The kids going to school with socks on?

I suspect in the navy you were trained to avoid plates dropping as that could result in death. Following protocol and process and doing your bit was IMPORTANT in every aspect of service. Your wife and kids don’t think like this, it’s not important to follow through with their bit. Sad as it is, making it less important to you may show them it is important.

Very good post and point.

I'm a process guy... .with a large family, processes are even more important to "taming chaos".  They are also important to teaching kids to be responsible as they mature.

So... .the process, in as much as it applies to raising healthy/happy kids, is the most important thing.

My "venting" comes from my wife's mental state "randomly" inserting itself into the normal course of things.  I wouldn't be shocked if this brings the house down tonight... .or she may not care one iota.  

There is a lot of RA to be applied there and I should likely focus on parenting as I would parent and be the process guy that I am... .and if my wife wants to bring the house down over this... cross that bridge then.



FF

I’ve mulled this a little and want to add to it. Children by their very nature are or appear narcissistic, they have to be. As they mature they gradually rotate their view (assuming they are maturing into mentally healthy adults) from inwards and “how do I feel” and “what do I need to survive” into “I’m okay, what impact am I having on others?” and “how can I help achieve better for us?”. They gain comfort in their own ability to survive and let go of the need to persue personal objectives and instead become focussed on collective gains.

Your wife is an emotional child, so she still thinks about her personal survival rather than the collective good. I’d imagine the sock thing is more because going to school with no socks is a bad reflection of her parenting skills than any hygiene or shoe wear and tear issue for example.

You care, or should I say it’s important to you that the collective good is achieved because you’re an emotionally healthy adult... .you look outwards. Possibly more so because of your training, you’re a team player and natural leader. You/I expect this in others as well. It’s dang frustrating when it doesn’t play out as it seems so simple that if each cog played its role the greater good would be achieved... .but inward focussed children and adults won’t see that. They will when they see the machine stops working even when your cog is still turning.

Let them fail, it’s healthy.

If W wants to try and take control... .let her... ., and let her sink or swim.

What I am hearing from what you wrote is you aren't sure how your wife will react.  Is there a way to weight things in a certain direction?  What if you were to text her your plan in advance and ask for her input?  Or maybe text something like, "Hi honey, don't worry about the socks.  I plan to organize a search party with the kids when they get home to solve the case of the missing socks."

Hey Fian, why would he need to do that? He, her and the kids agreed a process, the process should work, if everyone adhered to the process collective utility would be achieved. FF is performing his part of the agreed process.

I think FF’s P encourages him recently to “get comfortable with people being upset, and get comfortable with people being upset with him” or words to that effect. FF wants to lead his pack but his pack has some members who don’t want to be led because that makes them feel controlled. FF leads by putting in process, protocol and systems to ensure things get done, that’s sensible and wise. However when you place a container around people who may not want to be contained (or who change their mind about their willingness to be contained) they will fight with the container. There are only 2 options to this fight, restraining them in the container by force which involves expending your physical and emotional effort, and risk of being called controlling, OR leave the container open such that they can choose to adhere to the process or not. Allow them to experience the benefits of being contained in the process by experiencing the downside of not adhere in to the process.  FF doesn’t even give a monkeys about the socks, it’s his wife’s battle.

In 2016 I came up with the idea of a burden bag, we all carry one on our backs. It’s the stuff we worry about. I guess it’s a bag of our responsibilities. I am a responsible person and take responsibilities very seriously. My bag, and yours, contains things I put in there, things my wife puts in there, things my kids put in there and things ‘others’ put in there. I’ve not been a very good gate keeper to my burden bag and therefore I’ve allowed other people to put quite a bit of stuff in there... .like being responsible for their emotions. There are certain things that I believe a healthy partnership should share, like responsibility for the relationship for starters, like responsibility for our financial security. I concluded that in my marriage my W had taken her half of the responsibility of these things out of her bag and put them in mine, I owned all the responsibility (and didn’t stop her doing so) for her happiness, her desires and the worry of how to achieve that. She would remove things from her bag and drop them on the floor having decided they were too heavy for her to carry (like cleaning the house), they restrained her from her ability to do as she pleased. Rather than leaving said things on the floor where they landed, I picked them up and owned them and made them important to me. These things were still important to my W, she just knew that I would pick them up and adopt them as my own especially if she created enough of a fuss about them, pointing and sulking that it’s on the floor.

So, my bag gets heavier, her bag gets lighter.

In 2017 I emptied my burden bag all over the floor. I systematically picked what was important to me and popped them back in my bag, I owned what I wanted to own and am now very very vigilant about me being the gatekeeper of my burden bag. Sometimes I have to say NO and other times I just have to stand there looking at the ‘thing’ on the floor that my W or other has dropped and they are pointing and hppping over and say “owww that’s sub optimal” before walking on without picking it up.

Chaos, fuss, yelling, anger, running off and having an affair, smashing the house up... .its all just a way to get control, to get the other person to pick up their sh!t they left on the floor they care about but can’t be botheeed to put the effort into achieving themselves.

Enabler

I like the idea of natural consequences, but they also need to be age appropriate and safe. If a child doesn't do their homework- then let them face the teacher, don't do it for them or rescue them. If they treat their belongings carelessly, then let them do without the toy, or other object they didn't take care of if it wasn't essential to their well being.

I understand the idea of sending the kids to school without socks, but I have concerns about a consequence. This could lead to some painful blisters from running around in shoes rubbing against their feet. The blisters would be a lesson but to me, an overly harsh one. I'd also consider the ages of the child- 5 and 7 are still young, not too young to put their socks away but still young. I think I'd want to know what is going on with the socks- are they in the playroom? Did they get lost? wet, damaged? If they like to take them off when playing- maybe a sock box in the playroom to collect them? I try to look at non-punitive methods when possible if the behavior isn't seriously bad.

Isn't the consequence, that Mummy gets cross, since this is the thing that she cares about?

Agree re age appropriate responsibilities, however, my D5 knows where her socks are and can fetch them and put them on... .she will normally try and get someone else to do this for her though... .because life is easier for her that way.

FF has a system which was agreed, when the good system fails because people don't adhere to the system, he's upset and changes/patches/fulfills the role of the other parts of the perfectly good system such that it does work. No one changes because... .life is easier for them that way.

I think it is FF who wanted to send the kids to school without socks and FFw does not.

I am not sure what the actual conflict is, I was just proposing different views on how to handle it.

BLUF (Bottom Line Upfront)

I didn't raise the issue of socks in any way shape or form.  I moved laundry along and made sure kids took stuff to the appropriate rooms as I normally do.  This was all observed by my wife (as is normal) and my thinking was that since she was particularly upset about the disappearing socks... .I'd give her first crack at bringing it up, if it is something she wants to solve. 

Said another way... .I don't want to jump in front of her and solve upsetting things that she has identified and gotten upset with.  I think I'd be happy with that if it were "flipped".  Let's say I identify an issue first (nobody else has noticed) and it upsets me... .everyone else is kinda "meh" about it. 

Well... I think that I would want to chew on the issue for a bit and come up with a process to address it.  Being a process guy... .I'm not so interested in fixing that one thing... .but preventing "things like that" from happening in the future.

If someone jumped in front of me and try to "take" my issue from me... .I could see that being odd or upsetting to me.

If nothing gets said about socks, I'll keep an eye on things and perhaps bring it up in several days if it appears to still be a problem.

Big picture:  My wife was upset about something and I need to give her space to be upset and/or fix (yes... .my P has been raising that issue for a while... give people space... no fixing)

This thread has been super helpful to me to vent, see others perspectives and think through my response (which turned out to be no response)  I take particular note that many times no response is best response, or perhaps waiting until asked for help.

I'm going to post this and see if there are other unaddressed questions issues.

FF

IMHO that's bang on the mindset that will serve you well.

OK... .back to how this was discovered and or my part in it.

Things were running a bit late and I was trying to help get kids out the door with Mommy so things would be on time for getting to work.  Note:  Being process guy... .I noted that the lateness was not really anyone's fault, but just one of those days were everyone having an issue or dragging adds up massively.  Said another way, people seemed to be trying there was just lots of molasses in the system.

Knowing that's how the morning had been going an once I knew socks were needed, I think my wife asked me to get them... .which was appropriate because I could get them in 30 seconds to a minute versus 5 minutes for D5 or 7 (perhaps longer based on this day).

I went to exactly where they should be and... .hmmm.  There were only two pair or perhaps 1 clean pair and a dirty pair for D5 were found.  My wife expressed her displeasure.


Well... the organizer is a 7 day thing, we have more socks than 7 days  so I knew that the process had been blown off or a long time and was having a hard time imagining where they could be because I knew we were "ahead" on laundry (I think we only found 1 dirty pair) and the house was a bit cleaner and more organized than normal.  

So... total socks missing are around 17-18 pairs.  We found none of D7 and only 2 pair for D5.

Anyway... I'll give it a few days and keep my eyes open.  If an opportunity presents itself I'll likely take it, but I'm not going to force anything or organize a sock search and rescue party (like I would had I discovered this on my own to fix)

FF

I'm stealing your metaphorical burden bag idea. That is, for me, an incredibly helpful way of looking at things. I definitely need to be more selective and a better guardian of mine.

Yeah... the burden bag is a good way of looking at things both from a boundary point of view (nobody else puts stuff in you bag) and from a "carry your own load" point of view that you will pick up the things that matter to you and leave the rest on the floor.

FF

Burden bag felt totally appropriate at the time since I was deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep into depression and anxiety. The act of tipping out the emotional baggage I was carrying around actually made me feel physically taller by a couple of inches... .weird.

Now I am wondering where all those socks went. Please post when you find them or figure out where they went!

Places where socks go

Left behind in the drier.
Left behind in the washing machine.
Dropped on the floor.
In some other kid's sock drawer because they thought they were theirs.
Right down the bottom of the laundry basket.
In spare clothes/sports kit bags.
The sock monster got them.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sock%20monster
If the Top Definition has it right you are completely doomed FF.
"The only known fact is sock monster numbers are proportional to the number of people in residence at one location.
1 person = 1 monster, rare sock predation, victim is able to carry on normal life
2 persons = 2 monsters, infreqent predation
3 persons = 3 monsters, increased predation, victims are rarely able to find socks
4 persons = 4 monsters, forget it , no known cure, no socks at all for anyone"

BetterLanes x

The quick version:  I've left the sock thing alone.  It would appear that she was in a particular hurry to leave this morning (the young girls ride with her to school) so I was getting them out of bed, making sure they went potty and kinda kept things moving. 

FFw pokes her head out of the door downstairs and says "girls... .it's cold outside... your clothes are in piles by the bathroom door"

Sure enough... neatly organized piles had long sleeves, long pants (temps recently dropped)... undies and SOCKS.

Keep mouth shut and move along FF... .  Perhaps over the weekend when it's normal to "reload" the 7 day organizer things will get sorted out.

Apparently FFw thought through her morning and organized girls clothes before hopping in bed last night.



FF

That's a good thing. She took care of it. There are several ways to organize clothing. You have your way and she has hers, but this time it worked.

I'd still think about a back up stash of socks to keep somewhere. I do believe the sock monster is real and demands to be fed on a regular basis.

I do have a backup drawer in my chest of drawers that I have tons of "backups" in.  Just never put socks in there, but I will certainly start.

I'll put this in the category of "FF... that's just the way it is... " yet will still grump about it some here.  The weekly organizer thing was 100% my wife's idea.  She picked it out.  A bit more of an upscale, expensive one than I would have picked and I can remember at the time pinching myself that she was "taming chaos"

Perhaps I'm guilty of "liking" her solution too much.  Many times when I go with her suggestion and like it... .it becomes bad.

I put this under the frustrating ability pwBPD seem to have to "rescue defeat from the jaws of victory"... .especially about things that seem mundane, yet when screwed up can be a big deal. (such as socks)

 Sigh... .

But... big picture here is that she "found" something that bugged her, expressed herself about it... .I was temped to fix/intervene, yet I stayed out of it... .and she handled it.

I'll take that all day long.

FF

The container lid was left open, she climbed out and did it her way... .that works as well 

I would keep your part of the process going for good orders sake until further discussion.

You know... .it's been a while since I've thought deeply about "container analogies".  The burden bag... .the container that you just talked about...

Works well to simply visualize things...

FF

Ff,

What i am getting is you and your wife aren't acknowledging what a wonderful job you are both doing.

When am in the middle of IT, dont get what a wonderful thing i am doing.

Perhaps because there isn't time.

Be still and know.   GREAT JOB

I would agree with Juju. I don't discount the issue with a higher functioning BPD- they exist and can cause drama. However the fact that the two of you are managing a household with 8 kids is commendable and some chaos is expected. I'm pretty sure there are some socks on the floor where my kids took them off- and there are even some of mine sitting out that I didn't get to put away yet. Families are busy and surely yours is as well. Socks happens. I hope you take a moment to tell yourselves you did good!

Thanks for the kind words.

I do have a strategy for expressing thanks and appreciation.  She is sometimes quick to be dismissive or argue about my sincerity, so while I'm deliberate about often saying thanks, I stay succinct and keep it from my perspective "I appreciate it" (so in theory it can't be argued with).

If/when she does argue... .I'll restate once that's how I feel and drop the matter.

That's generally morphed into she stays silent or occasionally say "just doing my job".  I also don't engage much on "just doing my job" because it is really close to YOU aren't doing your job FF (which is core issue of an odd world view)

Anyway... .I'm going to post again in a few minutes about how I feel about this episode... .perhaps what I've learned.

FF

A few thoughts now that this has passed and I'm looking back.


Obviously, for me it was about more than socks.  Most likely I say it as a rejection of my efforts to "love my family" (I'm an acts of service guy).  I did her idea and she and kids rejected it... and then had the gall to be upset about the consequences of their own rejection.


I realized that it was a big deal so I posted here... venting and looking for input.


And I got some really valuable input.

"how important is it really" which is a close cousin to "what is actually important here".    That drove me to think about how me organizing a search party could be seen as "rescuing" or "getting out in front of" her solving her own stuff.  

Ultimately I decided to wait to be specifically asked for help and let her solve her own stuff, which she did.

There were also some comments about "fighting something that hasn't happened yet".  Something I don't handle well (still) is finding the right balance between "preparing reasonably" and "ruminating about an argument that hasn't happened yet (and likely won't ever)".

You don't want to be blindsided, yet you also don't want to spend precious energy and worry when you don't have to.  As we see... I didn't have to spend what I spent.

There certainly were other good points as well.

I'm going to put this in victory column and move on.  The "process" worked for me.  When I realized I was "triggered" (or whatever you want to call it) I posted here, vented and got reoriented.

Thanks for helping me think this through!

FF

Hey, FF--something occurs to me about the fact that we're both Js on the Meyers Briggs scale.

I love structure and order and like everything to have a place. If you use a tool, it goes back in its place when you're done.

That is not how I grew up, in a household with a chaotic BPD mom. Every drawer was a "junk drawer" and finding things was a regular challenge. Even as a young child, I organized the linen closet, the kitchen shelves, the drawers--all to no avail. Chaos would reemerge almost immediately. I remember showing my mother my organizational structures--telling her to put the bath towels on this shelf and the bed linens on another shelf. To my dismay, all my beautiful organization would only last a few days until everything was back to random.

I could imagine you being pleasantly surprised when your wife bought the organizers for your daughters' clothes, other than about the price tag. But when that concept didn't last, if I were in your shoes (with socks), I certainly would have felt frustrated.

I often think, "How much effort does it take to put something back where it belongs?"

But of course, other people don't think along these lines and I've been called a perfectionist, rigid, uptight and worse, just because I like tidiness. 

Amen to order!

And you can appreciate that 8 kids tend to "undo" order.  Then... .add some high functioning BPD in there as well.

It plays out and affects me the worst in the garage.  I do lots of my own work on vehicles (lots of emotional satisfaction there)... .it breaks... its fixed... .FF declares victory.


Anyway, over the years I've accumulated a lot of very expensive tools.  And also have spent some money on organization.

So... .when FF is done and I've had time to be in the garage, you can open a drawer and quickly select the right size screwdriver.  

Let me get busy with things, let the kids do some of their own projects, some under the direction of Mrs Chaos... .and then it looks like a hurricane hit the garage.  

ON the surface it appears their projects go quickly and that mine go slow.  However, when mine are over another can be started right away with no time spent "hunting" for things, since I can almost put my hand on it blindfolded.

Whereas asking Mrs FF where D5 put (fill in the blank) leads to an unimaginable game of Inspector Clouseau figuring things out.

Sometimes it really irks me... .most of the time I'm able to keep a tight lipped smile and help restore order.

https://youtu.be/CzycofSj7EM

A perfect metaphor for how BPD live their lives... .
FF

Late to the thread, crazy around here!... .

I remember “disappearing” socks, so what did Red5 the single dad do?

Well... .you know the enevitable mismatched sock pile that seems to grow by the dryer... .even as everyone did their own laundry on an assigned day... .well me being a hoarder, I always kept these orphan socks... .mismatched socks... .and if they were never claimed they went into the “scuz rag” bag for cleaning and shining working parties ; )

So say one of my sons or my daughter said to me at oh’ dark thirty on a school day, “dad, I can’t find any socks to wear”... .then I would reply... .“go take a mismatched pair outa the “grab bag” in the laundry room”... .“clean “holy moly” socks is better than no socks at all”... .

To be honest, only my daughter had any issue about wearing “missmached” socks... .

After having to wear “grab bag”; or soon to be “holy rag”... .or future “scuz rag” ’socks, .the “attention to detail” about the laundering and stowage of ones own socks increased  !

We will talk about trying to find the scissors next thread ha ha ha !

Y’all have a nice day!

Red5

Highjack!

Yeah... .laundry detail underway  ; )

Sometimes you send your laundry bag away, and you never see it again!

Oh’ the stories I could tell about laundry and being on cruise !

Red5

Hi ff,
Hope you know me, am not being critical.

What i see happened to me, the scenarios, i would like to say/do x, and he will probably say/do y, which isnt positive/what I want, etc... .

What i saw was I wasn't being authentic, wasn't living in the present... .I was living in a self imposed constraint... .not owning or even knowing my.true.voice.  because i was so busy pasting and trimming my behaviour and expression for what result was acceptable for the picture I needed... .

All of this can be resolved for me, if i turn my life and my will, over to the care of my Higher Power,
God.  I am convinced that my God loves me, exactly as i am, not the new improved way I should be around him and his disease.

Its simple and not easy.   I like the fact that most times there is nothing for me to do or say.
Its like being free.  Being who I am created to be.
Where is that person, where did she go.?

Had a little chuckle about the garage tool scenario and organising the laundry cupboard as a kid. I don’t know if anyone knows anything about Entropy, basically it tales energy to preserve order. Take our bodies for example. It takes the vast majority of the energy that we consume to retain the cellular order to preserve ‘us’. Remove the energy and we die trough disorder. Eventually disorder turns to decay and given enough time we blend into the soil such that we’re indistinguishable from dirt. It tales effort to maintain order, effort that some divert to other areas of their life... .maybe on taking care on their feelings of inadequacy, self hatred or even just to aatisfy their individual sense of entitlement. Why is it that I know where the Cumin is EXACTLY to the shelf and jar from 50 miles away when my W calls me from the kitchen. Why is it that I know where a jigsaw or router bits are in my shed, because I have put the effort into knowing. I’ve the spare head space to care.

Me knowing these details just makes my wife feel worse about herself. Reinforces her inadequacies and that’s my fault. It’s my fault for being competent and having the headspace. I’ve found myself apologising for this in the past. I’m glad I understand I don’t have to apologise for being fortunate anymore.