BPDFamily.com

Hello all, I'm brand new to this site and new to BPD.  I come here because I have had multiple friends (who don't know each other) independently tell me that they think my wife has BPD (one friend who was a licensed counselor).  We have been together for 4 years.  I'm having a hard time deciding what are the next steps that we need to take before I'm willing to move forward in this marriage.  As people we obviously have mood swings but it is becoming clearer to me that there might be something more going on.

For example:
1. Wife will block the door out of our house during an argument if I say I need to take a walk for 30 minutes to cool down
2. Wife has thrown objects at me and when confronted after the argument will say "I didn't throw it at you... .that's a victim mentality" or "I didn't throw it at you... .it just happened to in your direction"
3. Wife is consistently switching jobs, friends, churches because there is something wrong with the people she interacts with
4. Wife asked me to go on a jog with her this week and I told her that running didn't appeal to me due to knee pain but I would love to hike with her.  She starts to berate me because I wouldn't even be willing to run 1-2 miles with her and running 1 mile "would only take 10 minutes".  After more talking/arguing, I tell her that I would be willing to jog 1 mile with her but that I wouldn't want to take it much further.  She then says "well it wouldn't even be worth it to run 1 mile together"
5. Wife threatens to divorce me after we have a "larger-than-average for us" fight.  These threats happen about once every 2 months.  Last month she said that it was obvious she needed to move out for 3 months in the hopes that our marriage could be healed.  The next day she told me she would come home to grab more clothes but that afternoon she said that she actually shouldn't move out and brought her stuff back.
6. Wife has said "I don't know why I say that" after she has threatened to divorce me.

Does anyone have any thoughts about what I shared?  Is this all in my head?  Is there something here?  Any recommendations or encouragements?

Thanks everyone!

Hi iLikeCats and *welcome*


People with BPD (pwBPD) can be particularly triggered by acts perceived as abandonment (fear of *imagined* abandonment).  When you walk away, especially during a time when they are dysregulated emotionally, it may be interpreted as "abandonment."  And pwBPD will act in a manner to avoid abandonment.



Who are you going to trust?  Your lying eyes?  PwBPD (as well as other disorders) are know to "gaslight."


One of the (old) diagnostic criteria for BPD is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characerized by alternating between extremes of ideallization and devaluation."  I imagine, that before there is "something wrong with the people she interacts with," she may have a tendency to idealize which might express as over trusting; i.e. instant (but disposable) attachments.


Another way to avoid "imagined" abandonment, is to be the person who abandons first.  Sometimes this is done by leaving first, or being the one who starts the divorce process first.  Sometimes this is done by starting an (emotional) affair first.  But once the disordered fear of abandonment subsides, the pwBPD might just return (e.g. recycle).


Impulsivity is another characteristic of pwBPD.  They might not understand (or accept) the nature of their emotions/impulse (e.g. fear of abandonment), at least not once it passes.  But in the throes of the impulse, they may just act without regard to the consequence.

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Schwing,

Thanks for the feedback.  I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which talks about having a relationship with a pwBPD.  I definitely see some of the obvious examples of BPD-like behavior (blocking the front door during argument, consistently threatening divorce).  I am just trying to process through how to come up with a plan for how to continue in the marriage.  We have no kids or mortgage to consider.  I think I'm letting the "smaller" issues (blaming me for almost all issues in marriage; e.g. I didn't try hard enough to reach her one day because I called and didn't leave a voicemail) get lost in the "no one is perfect" or "everyone has a bad day" thoughts.

Any suggestions on how to develop a plan/road map to show her what needs to change?  I know I can just write down what needs to change in my opinion but I want to word it in a way that she can hear it but not to just sugar coat everything.  If that makes sense.

Thanks all!

I would start with finding reasons to help you gather your strength.  Peer support like this website can be helpful but don't underestimate the value of getting professional help (therapists, et al).  People who live with high conflict personalities often get worn thin when they become isolated from support.


Beware that for some pwBPD, a way to "avoid abandonment" is to seek evidence/proof that the other party is less likely to leave, such as when one is bound by property or blood (children).  The problem is, no amount of evidence will be sufficient proof to cure them of their disordered feelings - what many pwBPD refuse to accept is that they are their own source of their disordered feelings.



I think you are better served by discerning what behaviors exhibited by your wife are likely and unlikely to change.  You can limit the damage by considering some of the techniques we describe here for getting along with pwBPD (check out our articles).  But you may also have to learn to accept that without self-motivation on her part, somethings are not likely to change.  It is a matter of you deciding whether or not you can live with the parts than cannot change.

Focus more on what you can learn of this disorder for yourself.  Don't be too eager to share with your wife what you learn because, consistently, this approach never ends well.

UPDATE:

Wife and I just had an argument this morning after I didn't agree with an opinion she had about how I should handle a work situation.  She responded with how I don't view her as an equal human being and when I needed to get into work she berated me for "not having time for a wife" because I didn't have time to hash everything out this morning.  I have since received a few text messages telling me she should have left me before we got married and is now packing up her stuff and moving out today.

This is certainly not the first time this has happened but each time I wonder if she actually means it.  I'm starting to consider what if she doesn't follow through this time.  How will I respond?  How do we move forward?

It's amazing how just typing out what is happening and what I'm thinking is so therapeutic even if no one responds.  Thanks everyone for this space to vent and for any feedback.

 :hi:
Welcome Ilikecats!
I can relate to what you are saying about the moving out, or leaving whenever it gets too hot. I honestly have started to realize what many on this forum have said. It is a strike first action, as they are terrified WE will leave. I started to change how I reacted. I don't cajole and make promises to keep my bfwBPD in the relationship. Hard as it is, I just breathe and let it lie. Now I realize you are married to your pwBPD, but trying to just weather the storm while you care for yourself might be a short term coping mechanism

I had a mentor tell me to try to stay as strong as possible and while she can do the emotional roller coaster, I should just try to stay grounded in reality to the best of my ability.  I guess it shouldn't have been that much of a surprise when me staying grounded was construed as me not caring or me not being able to connect with another person.

Any tips from anyone on how to handle potential divorce proceedings with a pwBPD?