BPDFamily.com

This happened before I suspected or learned about BPD. A few weeks ago I took a vacation with my girlfriend of 10 months. She loves Halloween and scary movies and I'd heard about Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. I made plans, purchased tickets and since I reserved a 4 BR house in Orlando I figured I'd invite my adult daughters and their boyfriends to join us. We all met in Orlando and went one night to the event. Things seemed to be going OK, all 3 couples split up and went their own ways and we kept in touch by text messages. We went enjoyed our time and it was getting late. We were about to get in line for a roller coaster when both my daughters said they were tired and heading back to the car we all came in. The line for the ride was 20 minutes and I told her we had to go to the car because the rest of the clan was headed that way and we could ride this ride during the day when we came back.

Wow, she flipped out! "What about what I want to do? How come everybody else gets to do what they want?" She was worse than a 4 year old with her tantrum and I was so confused because it didn't make any sense to me. We could ride this on any of the other 3 days we were coming back but that didn't register with her. I was also hurt because I planned and paid for all of this. I'm not a huge fan of haunted houses or rides but I knew she was. I kept my cool pretty well but was boiling inside. She accused me of not feeding her and she was hungry. She could have asked to eat at any time. I stopped for food but she said there was nothing on the menu she wanted where I stopped. She was causing a scene and people were looking. I was embarrassed and angry. We made it back to the parking lot before my youngest daughter and her BF. I kept near the stairs so I could 1)see and make sure daughter found the car and 2)keep my other daughter from seeing how my GF was acting. Turns out my daughter had been waiting near the park entrance for me instead of going to the car but I didn't notice because I was dealing with this drama. GF flipped out again because I had made her leave the park because my girls had wanted to go and now WE were waiting for them!

I was so angry that night and had pretty much felt I couldn't be in a relationship like this. It felt like I was dealing with a crazy person. I had seen some emotional behavior from her before but thought it was attributed to alcohol and I felt so much disrespect for me and couldn't believe how inconsiderate she was being to the group of us. The next morning she tried to cheerfully wake me as if nothing had happened and I was still angry and was cold to her. I talked to her in an angry tone and brought up why I was still angry. She downplayed it and couldn't believe I was still angry at her. Then we were both angry again and she asked if I wanted to break up. I told her I didn't think we were going to be able to stay together after this. More arguing and then she turned on the sweet side and said how much she loved me and she was just having an emotional moment and couldn't believe I didn't love her anymore. I told her I loved her but I didn't want what happened to happen again. Eventually smoothed things over and went to the park but the damage was done. She was convinced I didn't love her because I was thinking of leaving after that episode. I told her I was angry at her and I probably said some things I shouldn't have but we went around and around most of that next day about how I don't love her and I kept giving examples of all I do and say that shows I do. It was emotionally exhausting.

It slowly got better and we are back home now but that damage has been done and she has more fears of me leaving than before and often accuses me of not loving her and not knowing what love is. According to her I only say it.

I've found out about BPD since then and that's why I'm here. I need to read up on here and learn how to not make it worse. I think I did better than most would have under those same circumstances but I know I didn't do it as well as I need to in the future.

New here and hope I posted under the correct section.

We often say here that being in a BPD relationship can feel like an emotional roller coaster and there you were, right inside the theme park 

She came into what sounds like a tight circle of shared intimacy with you and your daughters and their boyfriends, and probably tried to shove her feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability deep down until the lid flew off.

For someone who feels chronic emotional vulnerability, she was probably working overtime to manage those feelings until her coping strategies were exhausted.

How often does she drink? Do you both drink together?

I can sort of relate. I felt doomed sort of because she was doubting my love for her. I told her I loved her a bunch but she discounted it. In your case, maybe you can reassure her, right? But her 5 year old may dysregulation again (WILL dysregulation again), so you need to somehow be prepared for that if you're gonna be with her.

When we first met, we drank together a lot. I began to notice she drank more than I realized. I thought I was dealing with an alcoholic (I am) but I think she uses it for self harm and to cope with her feelings. We have been working on drinking less and she's much better than when we first met. She needed alcohol to get through the day, to avoid the shakes and to feel normal. She realizes it's a problem and has gone a week at a time or more without drinking. I'm gone 20 days a month for work so when I'm back I won't drink with her if she's trying to not drink. It's hard though. We both enjoy a bottle of wine on occasion together.

Is this a common coping mechanism for pwBPD? I noticed that drinking affects her differently than most people. I'm wondering if that is because her strong emotional feelings and alcohol don't mix well?

I feel like she is going to make having a relationship with my family difficult. It is always a struggle for her to go to family events with me but she does. I have a close relationship with my brothers and their families and we like to get together. She isn't close to her family at all. I know she feels inadequate because she tells me. I remember distinctly one occasion where she just left the room and went and took a nap in the middle of the day. Maybe she just couldn't take anymore and needed to get away? She's on the lookout in these situations for any small sign that people don't like her or are judging her.

If her emotional needs drive a wedge between my family and I, I don't know how I can stay in this relationship. I hope it can get better.

The advantage you have that many don't is that you've already learned about BPD and are clued in to the risks and the need for more informed communication skills.

However, gaining those skills may or may not work over the long term.  How so?  Despite trying your best, the acting-out PD behaviors will continue to be a concern.  Remember Jurassic Park, where Ian Malcolm the mathematician stated, "Life, uh, finds a way"?  His point was that no matter how careful you are to do and say everything right, life (the person with BPD) is unpredictable and finds a way to sabotage it.

Unless she gets into serious therapy and truly applies it in her life and perceptions, incidents like this will probably occur again.  You are correct that even if you do things right or better, other relatives can - and will - trigger her without even realizing it.  Once she feels she can influence or manipulate you as the relationship gets more commitment, there is risk she will demand you stop contact with the people she begins to dislike, a few at first, then more.  Isolation is a common issue.  Can you handle it?

Besides learning more about communication skills (SET, DEARMAN, etc) you would do well to have good boundaries.  Henry Cloud's Boundaries is an excellent book, often mentioned here.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get her help. Most everyone here has told me not to bring up this site, my research or BPD to her. I will in the meantime continue to educate myself and work on what I can do.

No, I won't tolerate being isolated from my family. I have already devoted much of my free time to her instead of family because I'm gone 20 days a month for work and only home 10 and I feel to make a new relationship work I should invest time with her. I do see attempts from her to try to keep me from going to see family already. It's a 3 hour drive to go so most of the time we have to stay with them. I get told how they hate her, how it's always about what I want to do, and how dumb/hick/backwards my family/friends are and where I'm from is.

It's common to have intense anxiety for someone struggling with BPD, and alcohol is one (very terrible) way to try and manage that anxiety, while having the unfortunate side effect of simultaneously increasing it.


In what way?

How do you respond?