BPDFamily.com

My h moved out at the beginning of March, saying that he was going to file for divorce. He found out that it would cost a lot of money if he used a L and realized that he had twisted something that I had said. He lives in a local apartment with a male roommate. Since he moved out, he has had very little interaction with D14 - no overnights, sporadic visits at home with me, and I think one movie that they went to together. I have tried to encourage their relationship, but it hasn't been happening. Also, he was emotionally and physically abusive toward her in the past - as well as neglectful.

We don't have a parental responsibilities arrangement or anything; as it stands now, I have 99+% responsibility for D14. Since moving out, he had 7 therapy appointment and decided he was feeling better so therapy wasn't necessary. There are a couple of more steps that I need to have in place before any legal arrangements can be realistically made.

I thought I might ask the community how our current situation could affect any legal processes. Any wisdom from the trenches?

Beware of being "too fair".  That is a wonderful quality, most of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals here have it, but it is a distinct disadvantage when dealing with acting-out Personality Disordered people.  We can even end up sabotaging ourselves.  How so?  Consider your efforts to get your husband to spend time with D14.  Yet you also wrote, "he was emotionally and physically abusive toward her in the past - as well as neglectful."  I'm not saying you should block his parenting.  But rather than encouraging his contact maybe you should let him find his own level of contact over time where he is comfortable.  You won't be blocking and he won't be able to successfully claim you're blocking but you're letting him reach his parenting equilibrium.

What you are developing is a History of Majority Parenting.  That's a very good thing for the reasonably normal parent.  Often that means a lot when the court has to issue a temp order during a divorce.  It may award him the 'usual' dad alternate weekends and an evening in between.  In his case that sounds generous, probably he should start off with short alternate weekends.  It doesn't mean he *has* to take his time.  And it doesn't mean you have to demand he takes his time.  Odds are sometimes he will be a no-show for exchanges.  Ponder how to address those times.  For example, should you put your day on hold and refrain from some activities and then later find out there's no exchange?  Ponder how to address such times, well, unless you can get him to give you advance notice that he will or won't arrive.

It's hard to predict whether he will cause problems during a divorce.  You know him better than us.  On the other hand, we've been around the block a few times, so to speak, we've "been there, done that".  Some parents described here are very contentious, uncooperative, sabotaging and downright obstructive.  For that reason we're very cautious about Gifting Away any advantages we may have.  What do I mean?  Well, our natural Nice Parent persona can prod us to be super fair and make sure the stbEx gets lots of undeserved time or authority.  However, we also have to keep in mind that our good-natured niceness is unlikely to be consistently reciprocated.  So, rather than push for an order that reduces your time, seek a clear majority of time, as appropriate, knowing that as the occasion arises you can always choose to 'Gift' dad extra time when it really means something.

If you think you might have conflict or obstruction in a divorce, then don't delay, read our essential handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

Since a minor is involved, you need to seek legal advice from a L.  Different states have different custody laws.  You need to get some professional clarity on the custody process.

BPDp are very unpredictable.  One day they have reasonable co-parenting skills.  The next day (or hour) it’s chaos.   You need to protect yourself and your D14. The goal is to have a solid custody agreement in place for the next 4 years.

In the long run, informal agreements don’t bode well with non-BPD folks.  BPDp like to keep things in a fluid state.  They will prey on your good nature to keep the courts away.   When it comes to custody discussions, try and converse via written emails and text communication.  Verbal communication usually winds up in a “he said, she said” standoff.

Again, seek outside legal advice.  Don’t be too concerned about your STBx’s lawyer expenses.  It might be an excuse not to formalize a custody agreement.  I’ve been there and done that... .and had to revert to the court to stabilize things.

Has the past physical abuse bordered on breaking the law in your jurisdiction? In California where I am,  for example, it's legal to slap and spank as long as there isn't a mark.  My point is: is it safe for her to go with him, especially overnights?  

It's sad that he isn't making an effort right now,  but I wouldn't encourage it,  and focus on how your daughter feels given the situation.  She needs help; he's an adult free to make his own decisions.  Document his neglect (and your lack of blocking his time).

I know rust it isn't on the same level,  but I told my ex many times that she could call the kids when I have them, once per day (makes sense at night). Calls aren't in the stipulation.
 She hardly ever does unless she "has a feeling" for the kids to soothe her anxiety.  I finally stopped telling (encouraging) her to call.  Not my job. 

To avoid the sabotage thing, I would "encourage" him to see his daughter in the context of "family counseling".  Let a counselor guide this.

He can choose not to go.  You should document that you and your daughter are going and are available and have asked for his help.

From what I know of your story, I doubt your hubby would "fight" to get your D away, but it's good to document things.  Courts like therapy.  You do need to be deliberate about "painting yourself as the healthy one".

Let your hubby paint himself however he wants... .not your show.

FF

There does seem to be a tendency with male BPD parents to relinquish more control to moms.

I would let that play out.

In normal relationships, it's healthy to work to sustain relationships. In our situations, that can look like bad parenting, especially when there is abuse and neglect involved.

You have to show D14 (and family law courts) that you have what are sometimes called protective capacities. That means having the sense that yes, this is a parent, and no, he is not emotionally (and in your case physically) safe.

As long as you are not actively preventing contact, and are not disparaging him to D14, courts will be looking for your capacity to keep your daughter safe.


Anything in particular?

Where I live, status quo goes a long way. The more you continue with 99+%, the more it tells court that this seems to be working.

The only reason I can think to encourage more of a relationship is to prevent your ex from trying to hurt you by asking for more custody.

My ex simultaneously fought for more custodial time while failing to take what little he did have. The fight was more important, and that can get expensive. 

FF - Ah, counseling... . This summer, I got her into counseling - she wasn't thrilled about the whole thing. (did I mention that she's 14?) Anyway, she said "nothing's wrong with me" and wasn't going to talk to the counselor. Her counselor decided to ask her to prove that nothing's wrong - D14 did prove it... . (she has friends to talk with, she's okay talking with me and her dad, she writes in a journal, she's accepted the separation, etc... .) She was released from counseling by the counselor. She has friends who have mental health issues (self-injury, depression, anxiety, etc), and she is compassionate with them.

Turkish - the physical abuse does border on breaking the law; it wasn't disciplinary in nature. She is okay with the situation as it is right now.

ForeverDad - I've already read BIFF and Splitting.

Currently, I'm seeking employment; economic/ financial abuse is a big part of our history as well. Then, I need a place to live where h is not paying the rent or on the lease.

Oof. That's tough. I hear you.

It took me a year to get my economic situation squared away. I had to stay in grad school full-time (loans), then increase my hours at work (30 hrs) so I could make 3x what rent was going to be within S17's school district.

It can be a real juggling act. I hope things fall into place for you.

LnL, I don't even have much 'real' work experience, and we live in an area with expensive rents. So, about 3 years ago, I started the process to try to get into a position where it would work financially. I've been looking for work for over a year... .