BPDFamily.com

My partner of 6 years and 5 months left me about a month now... .she has 7 of the 9 symptoms of BPD. Two years ago we went to a psychiatrist who said she had serious issues on abandonment which she passed on to me like she's always suspicious of me and my own family, brother and son!  She didn't continue with the sessions for it was very expensive (we live in Manila, Philippines).  I have been seeing the office's clinical psychologist who also says my ex may have BPD.  Now that we are apart, I continue to worry about her, she said she almost ended her life two weeks ago. But I can't do anything to make her come back.  I think, she has to accept and recognize her issues. And she has to learn.  That not everything will be handed to her, the way I tried to for most of the years we were together.

Hi KaraofEl and welcome  :hi:

6 and a half years is quite a long time.  It must feel like a huge loss for the relationship to have ended.  You may also be having some conflicting feelings dependent on the situation.  I'm sorry that you're going through this.  

Is it the first time that you have broken up?  What was the reason she left?  It sounds like you're coming to terms with the fact that things in the relationship are unlikely to change unless she actively works on her behaviours with a therapist.  Its a painful realisation to have, yet is important to acknowledge and accept.  Were you living together as a family with your son?

Tell us as much of your story as you feel comfortable to.  It is safe to share here.  Sometimes it helps to get it out with people who can understand.  I'm imagining you have a lot to unpack from the time you've been together.  It's good that you are reaching out.  Keep posting and join other discussions.  There is a wealth of experience here.

Love and light x    

Hi!  I am not sure how to reply to Harley Quinn. Anyway, I hope I'm doing the right thing.  This is not the first time we've broken up--that she left me.  This was the second time that she packed up and left.  The first one was years ago.  It happened over something very trivial--that I wasn't able to talk to her via a video call when she was out of town vacationing with her siblings... .because my elderly Aunt was sleeping with me inside the room at night.  I didn't want to wake her up with the noise of video call.  She then decided to just end the relationship and not come back.  After a week or so, she said she realized her mistake and wanted me to take her back.  But since at the time, I was living in the family's common house, I had no right to decide that she can come back. My Mom at the time didn't want her coming back.  During that period I was in the process of getting a home loan from work.  So to cut the story short, she found a way to come back, by staying in the house I bought that was being renovated.  And then we got back together.  When she left me weeks ago (September 22 to be exact), she told my son and my son's wife that I asked her to leave.  She said the same to her family and even our dentist, who is a family friend.  She was angry at me. She felt that I didn't love her anymore.  You see, on Aug. 11, my son and his wife lost their first baby (stillbirth) and we were still grieving.  I guess she felt that all the attention was towards the lost baby and the parents.  Through the years, she has been suspicious of everyone (including my son, brothers, close girl friends, officemates), she would shut herself whenever she had issues, or really lash out at me, either making snide remarks... .being sarcastic. 

I brought her to a psychiatrist 2 years ago, during the time that we were transitioning moving into the new house.  I encouraged and helped her to get a job, which she did through a friend of mine.  She was doing online tutorials.  At first I thought most of our issues stemmed from her not having a steady income. But despite her earning well with the tutorials, she remained the same.  There were times when she'd be happy, but most times she would be withdrawn.  Like there was an empty void inside of her.  I tried to reach out every single time, but was getting tired mentally, emotionally and even physically.  I hope through this channel I could get the help I so badly need.  Thank you.

Hi KaraofEl!  Welcome to the group.  A lot of your story sounds like mine.  Besides being worried about her, how are you feeling?  Are you having a difficult time with the transition?

Hi there... .I am having the hardest time.  Everywhere I look, I see her. Everything has something to do with her.  It's like living in a bad dream.  And worst, I worry about her living conditions, her health.  She's so careless, she's gained so much pounds over the years and has not been healthy... drinking, smoking.  Some of my friends, and even my son says I need to stop my messiah complex and think of myself now. I have gotten sickly over the years, developing GERD which has now worsened.  It's just so hard to be happy knowing someone I love is not.

Hi KaraofEl,

*welcome*

I'm sorry that you're going through this seeing reminders of your ex has to be really difficult I remember feeling pain all of the time everyday and feeling like I'm a walking wound.


What do family and friends think about your current situation? What do they say?

I understand where you are coming from with worrying about how she is doing.  It is difficult to see someone we love do things that are harmful or unhealthy.  It makes you want to jump in and do something to fix it and you feel helpless that you can’t.

One thing I’ve been working on is to recognize that other people have the right to make their own decisions even if you think they are bad ones.  Everyone has the right to choose how they want to live.  Part of loving someone is to respect their right to make those choices.  If you try to make those choices for them or steer them away from their bad decisions, then what you are doing is closer to controlling them than loving them.

If she threatens suicide or physical harm to herself, a mental health professional would be best equipped to help her through that.

The feelings you are having about everything reminding you of her will pass naturally with time.  I recommend journaling to help you through some of those feelings.

I had GERD really bad when I was in my relationship.  It was so bad that I would wake up out of a dead sleep choking on my own vomit and stomach acid.  It could have killed me!  After the first month of the breakup, it started getting better.  Now, just a few months later, it doesn’t bother me at all.  I bet that your physical issues will improve too as your stress levels decrease.  That is definitely something to look forward to!

How are you feeling now?

Hi Kara,

It's been a few days.  Just wondering how you are doing.  We're here for you. 

Love and light x