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... .with me standing there. 
He repeats it a few times - he is extremely frustrated.  In my mind I agree with him 100% - BPDw is extremely controlling.

BPDw looks at me and says:  "Are you going to address that?"

How would you respond? (while being true to yourself?)

Should I at least try to be civil?

"Well, I do encourage him to make his own observations and draw his own conclusions from them.  And I do try to validate him when I see him doing that, and offer guidance when I notice he could consider additional aspects... . Do you really want me to answer you?"

Ah, if only that would work... .or be received with an open mind... .

Disclaimer:  I don't know your son's age.  I'm guessing he may be 10-12 years old?  If so, then you could include, "In a few years he'll be an adult and will need to make observations, conclusions and decisions regarding so many matters.  He's of an age where he should start doing that.  Frankly, he's not being disrespectful, he's just stating the reality he sees."  (There may be fireworks... .)

Thanks ForeverDad - love it.  He is 12 and really starting to butt heads with his mom... .

There's another current conversation on a parallel topic that you should read, lots of comments you can ponder there.  (We have thousands of past topics you can search as well using Search.)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330029.0;all

Start out with some type of validating statement.  "Connect before you correct."

That sounds like, "Are you going to rescue/protect/save me?"

This is a moment for her to be accountable, and she bounces it to you.

"I will hear you out, and I will hear S12 out. I have a hard time thinking straight when two people I love have strong emotions, so I might need to collect my thoughts on this. Let's take a time out now and regroup to go over this when things cool down."

Or something like that? She wants to pull you into the drama triangle with her as victim, S12 as perpetrator, and you as rescuer. If this is a chronic dynamic, she will be angry that you aren't rescuing -- it takes skill and practice to move out of that role.

Rescuing just teaches S12 he is at the mercy of triangulation dynamics, the source of a lot of conflict. Instead, you have to be a coach from the sidelines and not get dragged into a rescuer/fixer role.

What incident or controlling behavior was S12 responding to?

"Yes... .I'll address it.  Let's make sure everyone is heard first."

I would certainly argue to say "respectfully heard" but in my relationship that would draw a retort of "what... I'm ALWAYS respectful... " why would you say that.

You'll have to decide is less words is better, but usually... the more words... .the more chances for them to latch on and "use" the words as ammo to distract, obfuscate.

FF

I think I would have put it back on her.

"What would you like me to do?"

Force her to articulate what she wants, and then you can either back up son and walk away together, or tell her she's capable of doing that parenting on her own.