BPDFamily.com

Hi. I have been with my partner for 15 years but we have always struggled and have had counselling on and off since very early on. We have two lovely boys and because of them mainly I want to make this work. Just over two years ago she had an affair which was very traumatic for us and nearly ended our marriage. It was made worse by the fact that I had to resort to spying on her electronically (she denied everything initially and then even when I’d found concrete proof on an email) to discover everything which made her mad. She continued to see the guy for six more months in some capacity. She claims as a friend but some of my surveillance (I’m not proud) suggests that it might have been more. At a minimum the language of texts and emails was one of devoted love and a desire to be together. She eventually agreed to end contact and things improved.

My surveillance made her feel stifled and made her hate me, and made me feel horrible too. So I was glad when it all stopped. She has continued to believe I’m spying on her and whenever I am upset about anything always claims I’m spying on her and that I make her life hell.

I want to stay with her but I don’t know if I can do it when she seems to hate me. I am not able to speak to friends about things as she has said if I do she won’t want to see them. And I feel she doesn’t want to engage with me so it feel like I have no one if she isn’t prepared to engage. She has several male friends who she speaks to regularly which makes me uncomfortable. But mainly I feel that she puts them above me and would betray my confidence to them so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I suspect that she has BPD and have read Walking on eggshells and Loving someone with BPD, and cannot believe how accurate all the descriptions are of my circumstances. She discovered me reading them about two months ago and flipped out on me but we’ve never really mentioned it again. I have Aspergers which puts me at the opposite end of the emotional spectrum though that doesn’t mean I don’t get emotional.

I don’t know how to help her address what I’m 100% convinced is her condition. And I don’t know whether to talk to her family about it. I want to help her and I want to make sure I boys grow up well adjusted and happy (given their parents’ conditions this might be challenging).
She has chronic spending problems and I discovered a significant hole in our finances yesterday which in fairness we discussed calmly on the phone while I was at work (even though she was mad with me for taking our joint account atm card out of her wallet). But it still hurt and it made me be negative when I came home despite her efforts to make our evening pleasant.

We fell out and ended up discussing splitting up (on my instigation) but this just made her mad with me and threaten that she’d get the best lawyer and make me wish I’d stayed in my miserable life. I don’t want the boys to be hurt and this just makes me feel I should stay in our relationship because if we split I will have to leave my boys and just do as she says otherwise things will turn nasty.

If I’m honest with myself I know we are not right for each other but I so desperately want to make it work. I don’t want to infuriate her nor make her feel stifled but equally well I’m struggling to cope with the betrayals (lying, spending, inappropriate relationships) and lack of compassion from her. I wish I didn’t take it all personally. I don’t really want to leave. But I don’t want to feel insignificant and hated. And I don’t want to hurt our kids.

Hi HappyD and welcome  :hi:

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through.  That's really tough.  How old are your boys? 

You've done the right thing to reach out for support.  We have that in abundance here.  There are many members on this board who I'm sure will want to share with you the benefit of their experience and knowledge.  The Tools (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;topic=330174.0;num_replies=0#) on the main header menu are designed to help you with the communication in your relationship and are a good place to start.  I'd recommend starting to read and join other threads as well, as there is much to be learned and every post here has the potential to help many others to feel less alone in their situation. 


This stood out to me in your post.  It is unreasonable of her to expect you to not speak about your feelings.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a support network around you.  It is healthy for you to have your own life and relationships outside of the marriage.  Successful relationships include both partners doing just that.  If she chooses to not see your friends, what would happen?

It's good that you found us.   

Love and light x 

 Welcome Aboard HappyD  :hi:
Glad you found us & so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Infidelity in a marriage is very tough to deal w, speaking from personal experience. Your story hits close to home for me & my uBPDw of 35yrs.

Those 3 addictive actions & my (reactions to them,snooping,spying,trying to control,etc.) sent me seeking help at 12 step meetings ,Al-Anon & S-Anon and they have given me much needed peace & hope in my life. As much as this board has! Several C had told me over the pass 5yrs to check them out but I just bl it wasn't me who needed help "My BPDw is the one w the problems, right" I now realize my actions were definitly part of the mix! Things have improved & continue to in our relationship just by me changing. You will get that A LOT  as you read on these threads. Have you given any thought to individual C &/or 12 step group for self care?

She still ruminates about the snooping/spying & I still get the occasional divorce threat but not too much anymore bc she gets NO reaction out of me over them & I do my best not to let them bother me for a minute. I tell myself-" It's just that nasty illness coming out."

Walking on es & Loving so w BPD are a great start to help you get started on your way to peace & understanding , Keep up the good work !

Sending you Hope & Hugs   

Thanks for the support Harley Quin and Notgoneyet. Our boys are 7 and 5. They really give me the strength to keep on going!
My wife has said that I should choose a friend to speak with and then she can just avoid them. This feels unfair. And more importantly it would mean that I don’t get to see them with my boys (most have kids of a similar age). It is partly why I have reached out to this forum.
Thanks again

I'm going to venture a guess that in rapidly changing social situations, especially if there are factors you haven't considered before, you may feel out of your depth, but in situations where you're seeing patterns that are familiar to you, you may be able to outperform more emotional folks.  Yes, it's true that pairing a highly emotional person with a highly analytical person can lead to difficulties, but you also have some "superpowers" that, if combined with empathy and a lot of hard work, can be used in your favor.  Learning the coping tools is all about learning to recognize patterns and knowing what tools to employ in what situations.  You can get very good at this.

One thing that is likely to be hard for you is learning not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0).  It comes naturally to us analytical folk and definitely worsens conflict with our pwBPD.  While it may be hard, your efforts in this area will be well rewarded with reduced conflict.  You will avoid fanning the flames.

One thing you'll want to do more of is validating your wife.  You'll also want to understand how the words from a logical thinker can be unintentionally invalidating (think of times when you said something completely reasonable and she flew off the handle).  To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating).  Learn to recognize the patterns -- when a situation happens where validation is called for.  Then apply validation.  It doesn't always work -- you're playing the probabilities -- but on average it's a very useful tool.  It feels good to succeed at it, and can help your marriage.  An analytical person who's mastered validation and is as analytical as ever on the inside can appear to an outsider to be pretty darn intuitive.  It's a neat trick ;)

One of the most powerful things about this community is the support you can receive for practicing the tools and getting good at them.  It involves a lot of trial and discouraging error.  Members get the most out of this site by talking about situations where they want to apply the tools, trying it, then discussing successes and failures afterwards.

Have you had any successes or failures recently at applying the tools?  Do you have any questions about them?

RC

Those are great ages.  I expect you have tons of fun with them and a really strong bond.  Try to be as present as you can with them, as taking time to be present has a really positive effect on us and can help us be better equipped to handle difficulties.  Kids are brilliant at being in the moment. 


Does your wife expect you to disclose to her every conversation you have and with whom?  Perhaps she quizzes you about whether you have told anyone about your situation.  Can you give us more detail.  How do these conversations go when the subject comes up?

Are you able to spend time with your sons without your wife?  If not, why not?

Sorry for all the questions!  It just helps us to have a fuller picture so we can understand what you're experience is like.

Radcliff has shared some excellent advice and resources.  I'll look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Love and light x