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Title: I'm having a mild panic attack, just need to write Post by: isilme on October 22, 2018, 10:52:21 AM Been working pretty hard on keeping H on even footing, get us ready for our annual trip, and helping him make the items he needs for it. We look forward to going to the renaissance festival each fall, but it's getting harder. His legs hurt, he is self-conscious, he thinks he's ugly, can't believe otherwise, and it is so exhausting to be his cheerleader all the time, keep up with all the travel plans, and then also work on his costume after doing my own and helping with everyone else's.
Sadly, he put off his own stuff, again, till the last minute, and is expecting a lot of it to be hand sewn, and guess who does that? Somehow I am the sewing guru - no idea how, I am not that skilled. My sewing machine broke, had to borrow an ancient one from a friend which got the job done yesterday, but not after I killed my hands, and it took quite a long time, as H is asking me to sew through leather. A friend is helping a lot. But I am just tired, feel I have no time for rest, and the friend's wife fell off their porch 3 weeks ago, tearing her calf muscle. It'd be alarming, but she ALWAYS hurts herself, and then wants him to wait on her so she can sit in bed and just watch TV - she's a bit BPD herself. She reminds me of some of the bad traits in H's mom, where she allowed herself to atrophy and her diabetes to just get worse and worse to where simply getting off the couch she lives on is a huge undertaking. This couple is going with us on the trip, well, meeting us there, and it can be fun, but she is obsessing over whether she needs a scooter, and I'm kinda done with it. Get one, don't get one. I have one trip a year, and already spend part of it nursemaiding H. I'm kinda upset (selfish, I know) that she yet again hurt herself after I put in a lot of time on her outfit, as did the guys. Got to the eye doc, had a minor scare, he has small patches of bleeding in his retina. They told us it's okay, it's reversible, and not that bad, and he just needs to keep his sugar in check so he won't go blind. It was just a huge emotional roller coaster two weeks back I was having trouble processing. H freaked out on me yesterday (not that bad, but it still made me upset, he was actually doing pretty good for him) about our savings. He can't seem to understand with his student loan sucking away half his paycheck, it's kinda hard to put money away, and to pay for cat scans, ultrasounds, xrays, plus loads of specialist visits, as well as the fact that we replaced several pieces of technology this year, so even with insurance, it's been expensive. And, Thursday, my car almost caught fire, and is now at the shop, awaiting about $1000 in repairs. Work is not terrible, but I feel off footed and behind in a lot of things, I am having trouble focusing at the moment. I'm tired, want to go to bed, cry, sleep, I don't know. The only good thing is my appetite isn't super high right now, so I might lose some more weight than my average of 0.8 lbs a month. Sorry for complaining. I just feel I have so much on my shoulders to make things happen, the weather is yucky, and I want to just be able to have fun, not feel stressed on my own, plus be unable to repress the nagging worries about H's stress. Title: Re: I'm having a mild panic attack, just need to write Post by: Learning2Thrive on October 22, 2018, 11:05:02 PM Hi isilme.
You have a lot going on right now. I can understand why you would feel completely overwhelmed. I think anyone would under those circumstances. I hope you can find some time for yourself to calm and re-center your own wellbeing. Even 10 minutes here and there can make a difference. With all that you are dealing with it’s easy to fall into sacrificing self care. You are worthy, isilme. Sending you gentle hugs and encouragement, L2T Title: Re: I'm having a mild panic attack, just need to write Post by: Panda39 on October 23, 2018, 08:16:56 AM Hi isilme,
Sending some love your way I'm glad you decided to come here and get it all out, that is a good thing to do. Stuffing our feelings never does anything but create resentment. I'm gonna be a bit invalidating here and I know your feelings are your feelings but I've got to say it anyway... .humor me a little bit... .it is not selfish to be upset. You have the right to feel your feelings and that includes those that might be negative. I'm also going to add that you have the right to say "no" when you are getting over extended. Hang in there you will get through this and the next thing you know you'll be having fun at the Renaissance Fair. We need an emoji with a ruffed collar and a crown! Panda39 Title: Re: I'm having a mild panic attack, just need to write Post by: isilme on October 23, 2018, 10:17:48 AM Excerpt .it is not selfish to be upset. You have the right to feel your feelings and that includes those that might be negative. I'm also going to add that you have the right to say "no" when you are getting over extended. I think this will always be a problem for me. I have a hard time accepting my own emotions, as I see them as counterproductive and that I often just don't have time for them. I'm working on it. I say No when I can, but this week, if I say NO to taking care of things, we just don't get to go. Travel ends up a lot on my shoulders, as it does most of us. H is also pretty moody, and in the dumps - his parents called Sunday morning, woke us up, scared us, and he feels guilty now going on a "fun" trip when he worries we should be visiting them. Prolly gonna have to see if he's up to a visit after Halloween, before Thanksgiving. And see how to do Thanksgiving if his dad can't travel out fo the house anymore. He's not going to be with us a whole lot longer I fear, and we worry about his mom being elderly and alone in a neighborhood being taken over by drug dealers, but she refuses to entertain moving up here to where all 3 of her kids are. Title: Re: I'm having a mild panic attack, just need to write Post by: Radcliff on October 23, 2018, 09:20:31 PM Hang in there, isilme! Good luck with the ren fair. I know it's a huge highlight of the year
RC Title: Re: I'm having a mild panic attack, just need to write Post by: isilme on October 24, 2018, 03:41:11 PM Hi all - thanks so much for "talking" with me, I know it sounds silly to get worked up over something so geeky, but we really don't DO much else as far as going out for a fun weekend.
I think for our anniversary this year I am going to have to just plan a simple getaway, even though H hates the idea of going anywhere on a holiday weekend (I kinda thought getting married around Memorial Day was a good idea, just so we COULD get away with that extra day off work). Feeling a bit better emotionally right now. I didn't want to, but I called into work this morning, I needed some extra sleep, and I have already asked for a half day off tomorrow. H has decided he is okay working out almost daily, if I do it with him, which is fine by me, as he's been impossible to get to work out inside for years, and he's staunchly refused to do exercise videos, which I like because they are focused to fit in a 30 minute time frame and kick your butt. We compromised. I found a list of the exercises in the videos, and he made a video playlist of music he likes, and we go down the list to his chosen music. I am hoping this will ease his pain over time, helps his blood sugar, neuropathy, retinopathy, and build back some of the muscle mass he's lost int he last few years, helping him with his body image. And, it helps me with my weight loss, so yay. If we can keep it up, even just 2-4 times a week through the worst part of winter, I think he will see some results. I am hoping for a good couple of days, safe travel, and to not forget anything. Time to make some lists. |