BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

In my divorce we are coming at a critical stage. Next week our parenting mediation starts. The judge has ruled that we have to this. This is my last change to settle the divorce outsite of the court.

Until now my strategy was to go for co-parenting. 50/50 each. But it looks like my wife is going for a weekend ruling for me and the rest of the time for her. I would get him every other weekend on on the weekends that I don't have him I will get him friday afternoon for three hours. My wife says she wants to try the parenting mediation, but she doesn't believe in co-parenting.

So I'm going to change my strategy to what she does. I want to give my best in the parenting mediation, but when it fails I want to be the head parent and I want her to have the weekend ruling I have now.

I have good reasons the change my strategy because she makes excessive accusations of child abuse and turning on to violence towards my family. Based on nothing. She uses our son as a weapon in the divorce to make the accusations. My lawyer has sent her laywer a letter that her behavior has to change, but the reaction is that this is not wrong behavior and will not change.

With this change of strategy I hope to give my stbEx a stimulant for the parenting mediation and I will put the judge on sharp in our case of divorce.

I'm feeling more and more confident that this is the way to go. I pray to God that he wil guide me through, what is hopefully, the right path.

Thanks for reading this. It feels always good to wright things down on this board. It helps to get things clear in my head.

Greetings,

LovingDad

I believe most courts try mediation first, or second after setting the 'temporary' order.  Many parents can find success in mediation, so the court really wants to avoid a court struggle.  However... .

Our sort of cases, where the other parent has an entitled perspective and would prefer to sabotage rather than work things out throws a huge wrench in those gears.  Be forewarned, if you go in to mediation determined to exit with a negotiated settlement, then very likely you would have Gifted Away far too much parenting.  We Nice Guys and Nice Gals are far too reasonable and compliant to face the Irresistible Force, at least so early in the case that their Entitlement is blunted by reality.  Where settlements can work, and did work for a surprising number of us who have been through the process, is later in the divorce process, often just before a major hearing or trial where the ex has to face the reality that ex doesn't look so good anymore to the court.

Usually the court is "less
So my suggestion is that when you enter mediation that you realize it is an attempt to find common ground.  Yes, you can give up some minor matters, but the important stuff you need to be the Immovable Object versus the Irresistible Force.  Got that?  Don't let yourself get obligated or guilted into going against your important self worth as an involved parent.

F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

I was ordered to try 3 mediation attempts.  After the first one - and after she departed - the mediator remarked, "That woman has issues."  He told us to come back when we were ready to really negotiate.  We didn't, we went back to court and reported failure.  No big deal.  The sky didn't fall.  Court tried but it didn't work.  Move on to the next Step.

So don't think that you HAVE to make mediation succeed.  You don't.  All you need to do is make a real effort to negotiate.  You'll do that anyway, just don't agree to what you know in your gut is not in your children's interests or will limit you from being an involved parent.  Yes, maybe the court will dump you into the 'standard' alternate weekend temp order.  That's what I got.  But... .it will have been the court's decision and not you agreeing to too little involvement with your kids.  You can ALWAYS have the stance that your kids need you to be as involved a parent as possible.

Besides, usually court orders are "less bad" than what our entitled ex-spouses would demand or agree to.

Hey, LovingDad.

In case you haven't already, please read Bill Eddy's book, Splitting to help you prepare and understand what your ex is likely to say and do (and is already doing). If she is weaponizing your son to hurt you (and your son ultimately), she is beyond reason. So, be prepared.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice. This afternoon it will start. I have the book splitting en have read it. I understand what ForeverDad is saying. I wil be reasonable, but I'm not going to give away to much.

Thanks again.

Greetings,

LovingDad

View this session (and any additional attempts at mediation) as insight to what strategies she will be using in the divorce.

Some have remarked that anything they showed an interest in then the ex wanted even more.  So... .if there's anything you don't care much about but she does then you could say you want them.  Then when she gets them she may feel she 'won'.  And she may not give as much attention to the really important parenting items.

Dear ForeverDad,

What session are you refering too? That is not quite clear to me?

Greetings,

LovingDad

Hi LovingDad,

Just reading along here and I believe ForeverDad is referring to  your mediation "session"

Panda39

Thanks Panda39.

I read it wrong, but now I get it. It is good advice from Forever Dad. I will use it. Hopefully wisely.

Greetings,

LovingDad