BPDFamily.com

I decided to come on here and post an improvement update.  My bph has been on medication for a few weeks now.  It seems to have helped out greatly.  His mornings haven't been intense.  He wakes up, takes his shower, gets ready for work and there hasn't been any explosions.  I still feel on watch though.  Mornings were always the worse.  He use to wake up and come out like a bull in a China shop. 

He's hasn't called me any names, he hasn't gone off the rails on me, he hasn't even yelled at me.  He's been making the effort to see his psychiatrist.  It's been harder to see her and a counselor since he is working a new job.  He got a better job.  Works during the day and home at night.  Better pay and more the kind of job he likes to do.

I have felt a lot better physically and emotionally.  I decided to go back to school to be a nurse.  It is something I have thought about for awhile, but everything else came first.  This time last year, I was in a state of deterioration.  I was struggling hard.  I even have started to exercise again.  Today will be day three. 

I feel that old love for him coming back.  I have been showing him more affection and telling him more that I love him and proud of the improvements and hard work he has done.  He has only once had a time where he got angry and said something about the house being a mess.  I was having a couple days where I kind of was having a "what's the point" feelings.  I clean the house everyday and everyday, it gets destroyed.  I was looking at things like, I have more to offer in life than this.  I keep reminding myself I am going back to school.

Are there any other suggestions I could do to show him I notice and appreciate the great effort?  I can tell him, but I also want to show him.  Any ideas?

Can you give us a brief chronology of what has happened?  Your story has taken a lot of turns. I think this will help everyone in coaching you going forward.

Have you ever read about "love languages"?

I think whoever said "knock on wood" was on to something.  This morning he was back at him old self.  How I ruined our plans, by quitting my job, running off.  How I abandoned the family.  How my job was to stay with him and be married.  How people have problems with their husbands and wives and don't run across the country.  How he should had let me stay there because his life would had been easier right now.  How I don't think about the kids.  How I ruined it and now we are stuck in this rental house.  How me going to school is a way to start a new life, with more money, and hang out with all these guys.  How I am reverting back as soon as he gets angry.  I could keep going.

I reassured him that me going to school was for us to have a better life.  Him working his job and me being a nurse, the kind of money we would be bringing in.  He told me it was out of the blue and I never said anything before. 

This morning was definitely a reminder.  That there are still those lurking problems.  I had that lingering feeling.  The too good to be true.   

Today I got blamed for ruining everything.  I started to say that it wasn't all my fault.  I stopped.  Reminding myself of the blame game.  He wants to blame me for ruining everything, fine.  Doesn't mean I have to accept it.  He made me feel bad for my actions when I left.  I know why I left.  I know how I felt when I did. 

A few weeks ago, he saw his psychiatrist.  She prescribed medication.  First couple days were rough and he fought me.  I told him if they make him sick, to not take them.  He stopped a couple days and I was supporting his choice.  He decided to start again.  He has been doing a great job.  Until today.  I thought it was going to be another good day.  He lost it over the heater not working.  I know that it's not what he is mad over.  He is feeling stressed about not getting a house. 

Needs to blame someone, right.  I get it.  I blamed others for the cr@p in my life.  Especially him.  He abused me for a long time and anyone under my circumstances and being threatened how I was, would had done the same.  He's lucky I didn't shoot him.   So today was a regurgitated fight of what we use to have.  I cried, he said mean things.  I told him I thought we were past what happened.  Obviously he's not.

He's down stairs and I am feel steamed.  Despite this hiccup, I am not going to let him shake me of the progress I know I have made.