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Title: Handling the fine details of non-negotiation Post by: deemusic on October 29, 2018, 08:39:35 AM As you can guess from the title of this post, there is a long-term subject that keeps re-occurring in my relationship with my spouse.
Backstory: My spouse was diagnosed w/severe form of PMDD. Through medication, and HRT, 99% of her symptom were abated, and only had a small amount of situational anxiety. She was doing things, and handling things, that I thought I would never see her able to do. This lasted for three months. I have never felt so much at ease, and peace in our household. When off her regime, her traits are reminiscent of BPD, and a lot of the methods, like validation, and SET, are used to cope with this situations which arise. My son, adopted, is suspected to have non-facial feature FASD. Up until recently, he has been misdiagnosed, and had a terrible time at school, actually, everywhere. We think we are on the correct path now, and will be paying for an extremely expensive private-pay assessment, in order to open the doors for him to access services. It really makes me sad/upset that everyone denied the possibility of this for so many years, until I would no longer take "no" for an answer. You can imagine how the defiance that is associated w/FASD could contribute to BPD triggers. Current: The three months of "bliss and calm" ended at the end of last February. Because things were so normal, and we knew the proper diagnosis, and that funding became available, we decided to try a round of IVF. That round failed. I wanted to stop, but seeing my wife's utterly devastated state, I agreed to try again. The timeline has dragged on for various reasons, and the second round has not started. Every month, her BPD traits become more intense, and irrational. We have discussed several times if this is all worth it, but I cannot "get her over the hill" to go back on her HRT regime. So, all at the same time: 1) Not on HRT regime, resulting in low-level BPD behaviours which are escalating. 2) Trying to get my FASD son properly diagnosed. 3) Dealing w/IVF schedule What are some of these behaviours? Anxiety, and feeling out of control. She is on medication still, which tamps down on the extremes. Other behaviors, demands out of nowhere, depression, stating she feels isolated. One of these demands, and this is re-occurring when she is in this state, she wants to move, even though she correctly admits that would be difficult, given the unknown of future # children, my son's diagnoses, etc, etc. Also, the variety of different reasons she gives for moving, are all over the map. Then the different types of houses she looks at are so different, it boggles the mind, i.e. no basement, big house w/basement, small house, small condo, all over the map. This is causing my nerves to be frayed. With all of this, I have come home from work so many times, because I am afraid, mostly from distant experiences, of what will happen. To me, the moving is financially a bad idea, it will most likely set my retirement back 10+ years. I have invested so much into this home (which she convinced me to buy), that we have not owned it long enough for it to appreciate enough in value to get my money back. In essence, we would be selling at a loss. I think this is what I resent the most, but she cannot grasp it. She just sees we get money from selling, but doesn't grasp the macro-economics that we actually lost money, and did not make a profit, or even break even. I am also scared this will happen again in 2 years (Next Big Thing). I don't want to move, I see minimal positives in it, and frankly I have come to like where we are, though initially I did not want to buy it. I want to be there for my son also, and he is very attached to where we live. Giving an ultimatum seems like a bad idea, especially when she is unstable. I am having trouble concentrating at work, and I have taken so much time off to deal with her. Also, the new area she wants to live, is further away from my work, so I cannot get back as fast to deal with things. When she was ultra-stable on the HRT+meds, she is a different person, and did not want to move, she loved the house, and our life (not in a manic way). None of the doctors talk to each other, we came across the defacto med/HRT regime by happenstance. I guess I just hopefully get over this IVF cycle, and get her back on HRT. I also won't promise anything more that could potentially open some unintended door, which is stressful in itself, because no one should ever have to analyze everything they say to that extreme. Any advice how to diffuse this? How to convince her, without her becoming agitated? She certainly does not like to be reminded that she wanted the house in the first place. P.S. She cannot work, she is a basket-case under any stress load, even when on the HRT+meds. In a simplified homemaker situation, she thrives. Title: Re: Handling the fine details of non-negotiation Post by: Radcliff on October 29, 2018, 03:27:21 PM First, let me double check my interpretation of your acronyms.
FASD = fetal alcohol syndrome PMDD = premenstrual dysphoric disorder HRT = hormone replacement therapy IVF = in vitro fertilization Are those correct? Are the HRT and IVF linked? Does she have to be off HRT in order to do IVF? You've got a tough situation. As you guess, making a huge move almost certainly won't make things better. You're best off trying to identify and validate feelings behind the move, while remaining firm on the boundary of not buying a new house. How do you feel about the idea of a pregnancy and birth of a small child right now? What impact would that have on things? RC |