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This is what I’m feeling:

Sad, lonely hurt rejected, devalued. Hopeful, proud of your efforts and of my openness with my suffering, grateful for friends family and children. Scared. Very very scared.

Completely overwhelmed, uncertain, certain, under a mile of water. In need of intimacy. Of a hug lasting 5 minutes. Of the feeling of skin on my skin. Scared to ask for any of those things doubtful that if I got them they’ll  help anyway.

Excited to see how much better you’re doing worried it won’t last.

Like I am treading water with a cannonball ties to my leg.

I am deeply embarrassed that I envy you. Your solitude. Your time to focus on yourself. That every interaction with the kids or friends is special that you can hag hup your phone And by doing so go back to your hospital world. I envy that the only responsiblity you have right now is to yourself and your health.

I am cooking Mac and cheese and its so hard. Then bath time and books and snuggles.You do have an escape. You are responsible to no one but your self right now. And I will NEVER get to step away. Because if it’s not the kids it’s work. And if it’s not work I need to be there for you. If I walked away for even 24hours I would be a man who walked out on his children. Thats despicable and I cant be that.

But when you need it you got away and it was courageous and right and I don’t envy your pain or disease. Just your ability to escape for a minute.

Hey silencedPartner

Others here are far more experienced and can help you far more than I can. I'd like to add that your "envy" is natural it really appears like the situation has taken a toll on you.

Is any sort of vacation an option. Maybe taking 7 days off work and having a parent take care of the kids for those 7 days. It may not be feasible or sensible, but self-care IS important!

I envy my husband going for smoke 5 times a day. He has his self-time. I don't have luxury of just leaving my kid. But hey, then I concentrate what I enjoy, I enjoy spending time with her. We can go for a walk together. I concentrate on what I can do, not on what I can't. I imagine if it were just two of us, how would I feel? Then there wouldn't be any one to raise my expectations for help and I would just enjoy what I do.

I know it can be hard and self-time is needed. We just need to find a way.

Just wanted to say I understand how you feel.

   
DW

I hear you, and am sorry for your pain and the overwhelming nature of the load you are carrying.  You feel a heavy sense of responsibility.  What if you were to consider your own well being as a sacred responsibility?  You need to be healthy to be there for your children.  How freeing, how rejuvenating might it be to get away for just four hours, to have someone else handle dinner and bedtime for one evening?  Do you have any relatives, friends, or babysitters who could give you a break if you made it a priority?  Do you have friends you could go out with?  A movie you'd like to see on your own?  Perhaps go get a massage for some healing touch?

RC

thank you for the encouragement. I am going to do something for myself. I even have a therapy appointment on wednesday.

I get where you are coming from!

I have to remind myself that oxygen-masking is important. If I'm falling apart, my kids, spouse, home, cats, job, none of them will get what they need. So I prioritize me time. During the work day, going on a walk or taking a scooter ride. Also a lunch break alone sometimes or with friends if that is what I need. A mental health day off from work but not with family or kids is also a possibility for me. I hope you can find some ways to add self-care back into your life!

good for you sP! i hope youll let us know how it goes.