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When SOwuBPD dysregulates and attacks me verbally and says she wants to end the relationship... .she repeats a particular criticism each time accusing me of not sharing. When I ask to give me an example she specifies me notifying her of a course I was thinking of attending the next day. This is a course that is notified to me by email with a bunch of other courses 6 to 9 months in advance. They then email you the night before the course to remind you. You can just turn up and pay on the door. I mentioned the course the day before but was unsure if I was going to attend. She went ape___ that I had not notified her of this course. And gave this as an example of me not sharing.
A course I had not decided to attend and in the end I did not attend.

When I received notification of another course from the same training peeps, I forwarded the email to her. She then criticised me for sending the email and said it was not necessary, I should have just mentioned it in passing. So contradictory!

Is this really that bigto her that it warrants ending the relationship?

To her it may very well feel like it is at that moment.

Or maybe she doesn't really want to end it but she's just "pushing your buttons".

My gfwuBPD has admitted in the past that she does it to me, she knows its counterproductive but she'll test me to see how far she can take it, see if I'll break, but she doesn't actually want me to break, sort of like she wishes I'd call her bluff out and not be affected by it. Obviously individuals are individuals so this may not apply to your SO, you might want to talk to her about it at a calmer time.

I'm new here so don't take me too seriously, others might have more experience, just wanted to share a quick reply so you know someone is listening.

Remember you cannot change how she reacts, only how you react.

itsmeSnap has good advice about you only being able to change your reactions.  She is making her needs known, albeit with drama and upset.  I've had some success putting these requests through a "BPD translator" so that her overreaction to the first situation translates to "I'm surprised by this and threatened by it, I worry that you don't care about me," and when you e-mailed her, she may have meant, "I'm uncomfortable with the impersonal nature of e-mail and get too much of it, I'd have preferred the personal touch with you telling me when you saw me."

When I was at work I'd occasionally send e-mails to my wife that were businesslike and efficient, and learned that it was more effective to talk to her in person.  I started writing a few short notes on a piece of paper and looked at them before I went in the house, so I'd remember a few things I wanted to say to her. 

Do you think the "BPD translator" idea may be helpful to you?  Are there other times when she says something with a lot of drama, but buried in there are real feelings and needs for you to decipher?

RC