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Emotionally exhausted.  Don't know how much longer I can ride the jekylhyde coaster. Self care is becoming a challenge at best. I see my therapist this week. I've been working on responding vs reacting over the years. Honestly, this is not what I envision living. I just want a life filled with peace, love and understanding. How long can I be expected to be an emotional caretaker/doormat. Do they ever come to enlightenment that they are harming their family members? Why are they so addicted to conflict? Do they reside in their amygdala? Do they have no ability to access their frontal cortex?

Hi Jekllhyde and welcome!  :hi: You've certainly come to the right place.

The best way to get the most out of the board is to post on other member's threads, so I suggest you get started soon.

It's easy to feel the level of suffering and exasperation from your post. Could you please share more details on your partner's behaviors and what brought you here? How long have you been together?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

To Jekilhyde:

I don't have BPD so I cannot answer from an "insiders perspective", but in being close with a BPD gf, reading alot about BPD and hearing her own concerns as our relationship developed I can tell you one thing:

They are painfully aware of the damage they are causing.

Unfortunately the way they try to "deal" with the situation is not the most effective.

My gf told me she "pushed peoples buttons" (her words) to see if they would break, hoping they wouldn't. I told her that seemed counterproductive to do to someone they love and she agreed, but its part of how she interacts with people. It's like "I need to know you can handle it, please don't break on me I need you " and then proceed to push the big red button.

This is my experience, for me it worked to basically dismiss her accusations but in a playful, over the top way.

She targeted deep insecurities most people have, for me as a man she would mock my "manhood" (before she even knew my size, she would just tell me that she'd had better and she could take me all the way. I never acknowledged it and would just keep get on with the romance, her eyes would light up that I didn't fall for it), my strength (she would mock my hugging, telling me she could knock me out and push me over, I would defuse by telling her if I felt her giving even a slight resistance I would let go, that I needed her to let herself go in my arms), my importance in the world (this was a tricky one, she would ask if I could cook, as in, that's a womans job in her mind, she would poke fun at me getting groceries, not manly enough, my job is always boring, that sort of things, funnily enough I would turn that into "gender bender" flirting, she's hyperfeminine and I would bring up a macho show doing house chores type of situation and she would switch back to treating me like the manliest man ever)

The point is, her behavior is not intended to cause a crisis, it is to make sure I COULD handle a crisis if it ever came along, its a deep insecurity of hers so she felt the need to constantly check that I can still handle a bad situation, so she would keep presenting me with those situations, even when there wasn't any real problem.

Again, it may not apply in your situation, but they know, they are experts at it, they are aware of the consequences, but they want you to push through unscathed, they need to feel secure with you, so they will keep checking, it may never stop, but you can learn to defuse.

So its not about you, it's not about causing harm, it is about comforting themselves and that you can comfort them. If you can't they panic, give you another chance (as in, another problem), and if you are about to break they panic some more, so they could cut you off before you can, better them leaving you than you leaving them, the result is the same but there's comfort in control, and in their panic they desperately seek that comfort.

Remember most people with BPD had a very hard life growing up, its automatic to them, that has kept them "safe". As safe as they have ever experienced, which is not actually safe by healthy standards but that's the life they've known.

Again, my experience. I'm no expert, I'm no therapist, this is what an undiagnosed BPD person has told me. Hopefully it help you understand a bit more.

Stay strong.

Thank you for your support and understanding! As an empath, it's very difficult to wrap my head around someone who intentionally abuses another. Part of me feels like there may be true psychosis since what I observe is so disordered:
Dishonesty/man up
Narc rages
Anger rages
Inflexibility
Jekyll Hyde splitting in 1 second
Lack of interpersonal relationships
No empathy
Projection
Scapegoating
Criticizing
Exploiting
Ignoring/silent treatment
Fixated on control and obedience
Paranoia
Sarcasm
Laughing in inappropriate situations
Etc... .    Can someone have awareness of this and continue?

My partner displays some of these behaviours. I’ve been with him nearly a year and our relationship has  hit the wall hard. We still live together but there’s very little interaction occurring. He’s alone in his room a lot and seems indifferent towards me. It’s painful and I’m still trying to work out what to do.
I agree that self care does get increasingly difficult to achieve at the stage that you’re at currently. I’ve been there man times. I understand your exhaustion and I didn’t expect to be in a relationship like the one I’m in either.

My husband displays a lot of those behaviors too. We've only been married two years and for a long time I didn't notice a problem. Yes, he was moody at times, but it would be for a day or two and then things would get better. It's only in the last few months that things have escalated and it all seems to be linked to an increase in stress.

He is very much aware of some of what he does: the rages, the scapegoating, the "I have to get even" mentality, the paranoia, the cruelty. In his calmer moments, he feels bad about it. He tells me he knows it's wrong. Yet, he can't help it. Hard for me to understand since, like you, I'm an empathetic person. He says his biggest fear is that his moods and rages will drive me away. So, he knows what he's doing. He just doesn't have the tools to know how to stop. He's relying on attitudes and behaviors he's probably had his whole life. Not an easy pattern to break.

I'm new to the struggle myself, and trying to learn how to cope, but I'm already starting to feel hopelessly lost. And I do NOT want to start taking on some of those behaviors myself, as I've heard can happen. I can't see a therapist because it will set him off (he thinks they're manipulators and just get people attached so they can drain them of more money). Since he has problems with my family, bringing them into it too much may make things worse. I can't talk to clergy because he works at my church. I don't have many friends I can go to. That's why I turned to this board, hoping to find others who understand.