BPDFamily.com

I’m new to this group and this is my first post.  I’m two months out of a two and a half year relationship with someone I think may have a personality disorder and I am hurt and confused.   

We met, and it was a romantic whirlwind. He was everything I ever wanted in a partner and more. I was quite vulnerable at the time, having split up from my partner of 9 years only a few months before but it felt like it was meant to be. Like all the hurt and grief I’d been through was worthwhile, because it had created the space for this incredible new person appear in my life. We shared so many odd little interests and connected in ways I’d never experienced before.

A few months in, however, the first big red flag appeared.

We went on our first weekend away. I was running a 10k organised by some friends. I was going to help out a little and then do the run. We discussed what time to arrive, he didn’t want to get there as early as I did so we agreed a compromise.  I was quite nervous about the run and got up with lots of time to spare, leaving my partner asleep in bed. When he up he exploded at me, accusing me of getting up early to “manipulate him” in arriving at the event earlier than he’d wanted to. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I’d never experienced anything like this before. I’m quite a fiery person and when he shouted at me, I admit I shouted back. We argued for a while, me trying to assure him I was doing no such thing and had simply got up early because I was nervous and wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to get myself organised. He wouldn’t listen to and just kept insisting I was trying to manipulate him. Eventually we had to set off, and he suggested we put a pin in it until we got back, which we did. Nothing was mentioned in front of my friends and he was courteous and supportive, back to his “normal” self. I honestly thought it was over. However, the moment we were alone his rage came back and he pointed his finger in my face and asked me if I was “happy with my behaviour” earlier on. I felt like I’d slipped into an alternate universe. My behaviour? What? Yes I’d got angry, but because I’d been yelled at and accused of something I hadn’t done. Getting angry about that seemed pretty understandable to me? This argument was never, ever resolved. It’s come up time and time again, and time and time again I tried to get him to understand that I was not trying to manipulate him. He has never accepted this and insists I am lying to him.
I was so in love I managed to excuse it.  I knew he’d had a tough childhood and a very painful break up with a long term partner, and I put it down to trust issues. I actually felt sorry for him.

Sadly this was a blue print for a lot of future incidents. He would behave in ways that I found upsetting, and because I’m quite an emotional and reactive person I admit, I would get angry. The focus was always, always then on my reaction and not his behaviour. He never apologised for anything, and never saw my point of view.

In calm moments, and in the abstract, he freely says things like, “I’ve been told in the past that I can be quite controlling, and I know at times I can be a bit of an ogre. I don’t want to be like that and I need you to help me”. However, I have never, ever been able to get him to see that any example of his behaviour fits into these categories. Any attempt always ends in him saying “no, its you, no its you”.  I urged him to see a therapist and he refused. At some point it was suggested to me that his behaviour might be indicative of someone with a personality disorder. It seemed to fit, although I wonder if narcissistic might be better fit than borderline.

In between incidents he would be very loving and kind, always taking an interest in my interests and work and keen to learn from me about topics of mutual interest I happened to know more about. He loved to make himself useful and would often fix things round my house for me, and he was keen to get to know my family. He’s very creative and bright. I could go on and on about the wonderful aspects of him. But I never really got properly comfortable, always waiting for the next thing to crop up. But the storms always passed, and the good times always returned. After a particularly tricky period this year we had a great holiday but things went down hill when we got home. I’d grown tired of feeling like I didn’t have much say in what we did and started to be a little firmer, not just trotting along behind him. He didn’t like this and asked if we should “put this out of its misery” (i.e. our relationship) and I agreed we should. 

That was two months ago. He tried to reconcile, saying again that he knew about his controlling behaviour and needed to hear about it. He asked me to explain and seemed genuine, but when I tried I was verbally attacked and, as usual, blamed for everything. After that I had kind, sweet emails, and even gifts but I held firm. He eventually told me he had been seeing a psychotherapist for some time and asked why that wasn’t enough for us to “truce”. When I explained I was attacked again, told that I was abusive and that I wasn’t normal, but that he “still wanted to partner for life with me”. It was at this point that I told him not to contact me again. That was a month ago. He hasn’t. 

It sounds crazy but I miss him every second, think about him every second, go over and over and over everything. I cry with sadness and I cry with anger. I sleep little.  I have to stop myself minute by minute from reaching out to him. Does any of this make any sense? Does it sound likely that he has a personality disorder?  I love him so much and part of me feels so sorry for him. I also wonder if he really is seeing a therapist and if so whether there is any hope. He seems to have some self-awareness, but not enough to make any difference.  I’m left pretty broken.

Sorry for the length of this, heartfelt thanks if you have taken the time to read it through.

 

hi Gaia79, and *welcome*


i can hear the pain in your post, and im glad you reached out 

with the tools here, a shift in our approach, and a strong support system (critical!), there is certainly hope.

everything that has transpired not withstanding, why not reach out to him? what might you say if you did?