BPDFamily.com

Hello all,
My story: 2 SIL's and MIL with BPD tendencies. This will be focused on the older SIL (SIL 1) and MIL.

The holidays are very tense for my H's side of the family. His parents went through several divorces---to each other---and now are remarried to different people. Over the last 5 years since I have been involved in the family, my relationship with my FIL and his wife has grown and is awesome. My relationship with my MIL is distant, not bad, but not great. She tends to do things that confuse me and seem manipulative, but I never see it until after the fact. Sometimes she does things overtly, ie. giving me one chapstick wrapped up for christmas when everyone got various presents, but for the most part she does her best to be nice.

Right now, my FIL and his wife and not on speaking terms which means for the third year in a row, my SIL 1 is not invited to Thanksgiving. This is a very touchy subject for her not so much about Thanksgiving, but more about Christmas. She really wants to be including mostly for the gifts. Regardless, every year the last few years before Thanksgiving, we tend to get many messages from SIL 1, and this year isn't any different.

She has been sending the same "odd"/fake messages to me saying how she is thinking about me and misses me. It is not at all in character based on how badly our relationship has gone in the past. We are in a phase of getting better, but this type of talk really doesn't convince me she is genuinely changing.

Also, SIL 1 is hosting Thanksgiving at her house. This is more where my anxiety lies. We have not been invited to her house, but rather are going to my FIL's who lives about 5 min away from SIL 1---she moved 5 min away. My fear is that while at my FIL's, we will get messages begging for us to come by and say hi. My MIL, and two SIL's would be at this get together. I am angry because she says she misses me and all (which I know is just her trying very hard to be nice), but can't even actually invite us over. She doesn't know of our plans, but she can assume that we will end up at my FIL's. How do I handle this? My H will more than likely have a few drinks and not want to drive. I also will probably have a drink or two making it unsafe for us to go, but I want to tell her that her behavior hurt me. If we are trying to make things better, then I don't want to be a part of the game and that is what I see this. She is thinking that by last minute guilt tripping us we will "have to go" and if we don't she can say "I invited them and they turned me down again, like always."

My MIL is another story. I saw her last week because she was in our town with her ex bf taking him to see a doctor. She acted super bizarrely almost like she was on something. She was flighty... .forgetting my family members names and all during conversation. It was annoying and weird. Yesterday, my H got an email from her and her H---sent to about 10 of her friends and family, but I wasn't included. The email was LONG and was about how she is about to lose her job, her H will lose his on Dec. 23, and how her ex has cancer. She kept writing how this isn't to sour anyone's spirit during the holiday, but that they are struggling. She then ended with how she is starting to sell some line of products and asked if all of the recipients could check it out. Mind you, she's been involved in just about every type of these pyramid type "businesses." We have bought candles, makeup, lotions, etc. from her in the past. They never actually help her or actually work in terms of bringing in money for her.

How do I manage this? My H agrees that it was super odd and almost sad in how she is attempting to get attention. I have NEVER seen this side of my MIL. How do you feel bad for someone who knew her job was ending over a year ago, but waited until now to figure out a plan B?

UGHHHHHH. Holidays.

Hi Furbaby,

Ah, yes tis the Holiday Season and all the family pressures that go with it.   Even for the best of us holidays make complicated family relationships even more complicated.

When I hear "pressure" it usually means FOG.

Go to your FIL's and have a good time.

Come up with a plan with your husband in case SIL contacts you about stopping by her house so you are on the same page. Create a boundary... .like no alcohol or stay only for a half an hour and then hit the road and if things start getting tense maybe leave sooner.  Or better yet just turn off your phones so she is unable to reach you.

Your MIL's drama and wow what a FOG filled letter... .and I mean FOG in big capital letters. 

I will likely sound cold or cynical, but to me that letter was "You are OBLIGATED to take care of ME... .rescue ME... .Give ME money!" the information in the letter all may be true, but she is an adult she is responsible for herself, her needs, her job etc.

I want to point out that neither she or her husband have actually lost their jobs.  But if they are going to lose them, are she and her husband actively applying for new jobs? Trying to solve their problems themselves? Not to sound flippant or unsympathetic but why does the ex having cancer have anything to do with anything, she is not financially responsible for him, she is not married to him.

Could there be another reason for the sudden need for money?

Panda39

Panda39,
You always give me such good feedback. I think the idea of essentially turning off our phones is the best plan. Maybe I will encourage my H to leave his phone upstairs and enjoy himself. I am much better able to ignore her than he is. I can keep my phone to take pictures and that's it.

My MIL... .you hit all the points. ALL the points. So to address the ex bf: he was very ill a few years ago. He has a blood disorder and it was not looking like he would pull through. At the time, I thought it was odd how involved my MIL was... .I understand that they are friends, but to be SO involved in his health was definitely weird. Well, my MIL took me and my H to a wine tasting, she got tipsy and told me that she is on his will. Her ex bf has no children and has done relatively well for himself. This information rocked my world and changed how I felt about her.

So he recovered somewhat miraculously, but now was diagnosed with cancer. When he was in recovery, he was paying my MIL to take care of him as well. Money is intertwined in all of this. She was laid off right around the time of his last recovery and it is seeming like he will be in recovery from surgery just around the time when she is about to lose her job this time. VERY weird and it actually makes me kind of sick. I really her ex (he has been to holidays, get togethers, etc.) and I am not sure if she is technically taking advantage of him, but knowing what I know about his will, it feels icky.

Also, she has known about her losing her job for a while as has her H. We had dinner with them last March and they BOTH knew then about their situations. The current email my H got included a statement requesting for any job postings in graphic design for her H. My H has a marketing agency and they posted a listing for a graphic designer last week so I am thinking that is the reason it was in the email.

It feels SOO manipulative and awkward and all sorts of other feelings. She is 60 years old and is pulling this major "feel sorry for me" card. It sort of disgusts me.

I don't want to buy any of her products or feel bad for the fact that my H and I are doing well right now.

So your MIL is waving around care-taking her ex as a reason she can't work and needs financial support.  Then at the same time as care-taker she can appear to be such a "good" person, when in fact he pays her to help him and she's just waiting for him to die so she can collect an inheritance. Well I guess at that point she doesn't need to worry about getting a new job. 

Yep that's icky all right, very calculated, and so sad for the ex who deserves far better.

In terms of her pleas for help... .I would not participate in any of that.

Panda39