BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

So I am about 8 weeks out from my divorce being final from my uBPD H.  It would be final this coming week except we drew a judge who is a stickler for the six month waiting period when a minor child is involved.

So I'm feeling pretty depressed, and I am hoping to hear others' experience, and if they felt better once the divorce was final.  We separated for a few months this time last year and I was devastated.  He pushed me into it, and although I was planning to tell him soon that we were over, I was not ready right then.  I was so sad, I cried every day, I was desperate to find some way we could work things out.  We got back together, but very soon after he true colors showed again. 

This past June we separated again and I knew I was done.  I felt great this time, I was certain of my decision.  He moved in with his parents so he was out of the house, I didn't have to come home and worry what mood he was in, or about fighting in front of our D4.  Our house was now spotless, which was normally a mess because he is I am pretty sure a hoarder (the garbage kind, that just leaves trash and junk everywhere) and I never had the energy to keep up with it because not only did he add to the mess, he of course never helped me clean up either.  I was so happy to be rid of him, I was more than happy to keep the house clean and it was so easy, just cleaning up after myself and D4.

But the last month or so, maybe a little longer, I have been feeling like crap.  I am not sad, I don't miss him and I do NOT want him back... .but I feel depressed.  The house is a mess as I do not have the energy or desire to clean it up, and I've been struggling with work.  I work from home, so it's already a lot of discipline required to keep yourself to deadlines, but lately napping on the couch for a few hours is so much more appealing than working.  I still get my work done, but now it's harder to fit it in when I nap.  Somedays it is because I am tired, but somedays I just don't want to feel anything, I just want to lay down and check out.

I'm trying to figure out what is different, why I feel so bad now, compared to a few months ago.  The one major thing is results from mediation, which I wrote about here
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330677.new#new.  TL:DR I got screwed.  I have to pay him a lot of money because I was the responsible one.  I had paid the house off a few years ago with an inheritance my grandparents left me (which he also helped spend almost all of) and now I have to take out a loan to pay him, and essentially have a mortgage again for the next 30 years.  It was going to be tight covering bills on just my salary, but I think I can do it... .but now with the loan payment, I am not so sure.  Even if I can make it, I am so so angry that he got away with hurting me so badly (physically and verbally abusive) spent almost all of my inheritance and now gets a huge pay day for being a monster.

I'm also finishing up the almost 5 day stint of my D4 being with him for Thanksgiving.  I can handle the every other weekends apart from her, but this first holiday without her has been hard.  I think it's just all the stress coming to a head, and facing the actual trials and tribulations of divorce, especially from someone so difficult and hateful as a BPDer.  Before mediation, I didn't have much stress, I was just enjoying my newfound freedom from him.

Just this week, I told him not to speak to me ever again unless it concerns our D4, and I blocked him on Facebook so he cannot see what I am doing, and I am not tempted to check up on him (and get pissed off with all the "you're such a great dad" comments when he spends time with his daughter for the first time in 4 years).

I know eventually the anger will subside some, and paying the loan will just be something I have to accept.  The holidays will be over soon, and the divorce will be final mid-January.  Did anyone whose divorce is final feel a big relief afterwards?  I know he will likely still piss me off if I feel he is not being the dad he should be, but once it's final things can settle down right?  On one hand I understand why I am feeling depressed... .it's a lot to go through, and I am under a lot of stress and feeling a lot of anger and resentment.  But at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be depressed since I am not sad or heartbroken over splitting up.

I've also been pretty short tempered with D4 and I hate that.  She is a handful at times, so when I am already feeling bad, and she pushes my buttons, I find myself yelling at her even though in my head I'm yelling at myself to stop yelling at her.  For the most part she is the sweetest, best behaved kid, and I left her crappy dad to give her a better life, and I feel like absolute garbage when I yell at her.  I worry I am doing irreparable damage.  None of this is her fault and while she does require discipline, I know I am taking a lot of my stress and depression out on her and she does not deserve that.  I am on Effexor (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med) and I am sure I would be way worse without it.  I've been on Welbutrin and Zoloft in the past but the Zoloft made me very numb and it just made me sit around all day.  I like the Effexor the best... .I don't know, maybe I am expecting a drug to be a miracle worker, but I just do not want to keep yelling at my daughter and I want to feel better.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now.  Even though you're glad to be out, there is still a lot of loss around past hopes and dreams at the end of a marriage. At some point you loved him enough to plan a future together and now the reality that won't happen is becoming very real and final. Depression is part of the grief process if that is the case. I'm glad to hear that you have been aware of the situation and are getting support from a medical professional. Do you see a counsellor? What you're going through is a big life adjustment. Talking helps so it's great that you're reaching out 

I also find that when I'm having a hard time I'm less patient with my S4. It helps to be open and apologise if I feel I've over reacted. It's a valuable lesson for kids to learn that everyone makes mistakes sometimes and the importance of putting things right. What are you doing around self care? Working from home must be tough at the best of times. How do you separate and spend your free time? I'm sure others who have been through divorce will jump in.

Love and light x

full disclosure: i have not been divorced.

i do know that reactions can really run a pretty big gamut, though. some folks celebrate divorces, even have parties. for some, its the last thing they wanted, and they are broken hearted... .everything in between. its a grieving process to be sure, and i suppose we all do grief a bit differently.

you severed ties recently. im wondering if perhaps that is playing a role in your grieving process?

Thank you!  It all makes a lot of sense, and probably what I would tell someone else if they wrote what I did.  Funny how it's harder to see the light when it's your own problem.  Yes, I think it's just the overall change and stress.  Soo much has changed, I'm losing my inlaws that I was once very close to (things seem to be getting better with my MIL, I don't think things were ever bad with her, but since the separation it's been awkward.  But I think we're both getting used to the new situation and finding how we can still relate to one another, even if it's different from how it used to be) changes in finances, owing him money and the anger that goes with that.  They say divorce is the second most stressful thing in life, only second to a loved one dying.  I would agree with that.

Yes I do see a therapist.  I feel so much better after going, it's like yoga for my soul.  I don't think I can afford to go more often, but I think this is a good reminder that I should continue going at least once a month.

Yes, I often apologize to my D4 after I've lost my sh*t.  She seems to bounce back from it so well, she tells me all the time that she loves me and she is still as snuggly as ever.  I just fear so much the day when she doesn't bounce back, and my temper finally does damage.  But I'm making a conscious effort every day to not lose my temper and take things out on her that have nothing to do with her.  I've also noticed when I am actively stressed about my ex, I snap at her... .so hopefully cutting contact will reduce the times I am stressed.

Thank you, it's just such a relief to know others can relate to what I am going through.

I definitely want to celebrate my divorce, .  I think severing ties actually helped a lot.  Talking to him inevitably brings up something that stresses me out.  Today was the first day in a long time that he has not contacted me at all, and I think today was a good day.  Now that some of the fog has lifted, I think the main source of my depression was my daughter being gone for 5 days over the holiday.  It's the longest she's ever been away from me.  I was very lost without her.  I can handle his weekends, but 5 days was a lot. 

I think I was also sad because normally we would have gone as a family to his parents house for Thanksgiving, so I was maybe sad about not being there... .thinking of them all going on and having dinner like normal, but without me.  And maybe wondering if anyone even cared that I wasn't there.  It's kind of eery... .kind of like being dead and no one noticing.  I've always gotten along well with my inlaws, but no one has reached out to me concerning the divorce except for my 21 year old niece.  So it's an odd feeling to not feel like you're missed among people you thought were your family all these years, and how the only one to reach out is the supposedly least mature one of them all. 

Hey WantToBe,  I suspect your In-Laws did miss you over Thanksgiving, but in my experience those on the other side of a divorce don't know what to say and generally decline to reach out.  Within the last year, I ran into the son of one of my In-laws (my Ex's cousin's child) and we had a cup of coffee together.  He related that no one in his family blamed me for getting out of my marriage to my BPDxW and that no one was holding anything against me, which was nice to hear because, as you describe, no one reached out in the aftermath of our separation.  So I wouldn't necessarily assume that you weren't missed, if that helps.

LuckyJim

what Lucky Jim says here is very true... .its an awkward situation for all involved, and it just sucks. people dont know what to say, feel its not their place, may think you dont want to hear from them... .

im glad that you got to be with your daughter, and had a better day. are things still looking up?

Thank you for this.  I think in my case it is a little bit of both.  The only person to reach out to me was my niece who is only 21 (funny that all the "real adults" couldn't say a word, but the youngest and seemingly least mature one did).  She said she didn't know what happened with us but she hopes I am doing ok and she is always there if I want to talk. 

I did read some pretty hurtful and judgemental stuff his sister said, whom I always thought I had a good relationship with (I have since given him his tablet, which is how I read these things).  I've never heard his parents say anything bad, but it's just awkward.  But yeah, there is probably way more going on than I know about... .still it's so easy to feel like crap and assume everyone hates you. 

I'm feeling a little better, but still not great.  But I am looking forward to the holidays being over, and the fresh start of the new year.  Our divorce will be final very soon and soon after I can get his crap out of my house, which will be great.  So hopefully better days are right around the corner.  Thanks!

Hey WantToBe, It's a slow process so be patient.  You are already on a much healthier path, which is bound to lead to greater happiness.

LJ