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How do you stop?

I wish I knew the answer to that. It's like they have infected our brains.
I am trying to give my head a break by watching movies.

Hi PD,

Tell us about what you are ruminating about. Are you stuck on one particular thing?  For me, I had to find other things that required focus to keep me in the present. Have you ever tried practicing mindfulness?  I found an excellent workshop with some good suggestions in HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.msg1015938#msg1015938). Let us know what you think.

Love and light x

Hi PianoDood,

I have had problems with ruminating since my breakup.  There are some strategies that have worked for me.  One is exercise. Exercising first distracts me and afterward I feel more relaxed. 

Talking with friends helps.  I have a few friends that I can chat with, not necessarily about my problems.  I try to be interested in their lives.  I have found that ruminating makes me self centered.  It keeps my focus on me and my problems.

I try to visit with friends and have been trying to make new friends to talk with or that have common interests with me. 

Listening to music or playing music is a good distraction.  However, some songs hit me in the heart and sometimes I am not in the mood for that.  However, sometimes a sad or sentimental song can help me release some pent up emotions.

Do you play music to redirect your focus?  Or do you exercise?  How’s your friend base? 

Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Mustbe

First of all, don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes just acknowledging to yourself, "I'm ruminating," without judging it can take a bit of the sting out of the situation. 

I can usually read to get my mind off. Kayak or bike ride if you live in a place where weather lets you do that sort of thing. Go be with good friends who won't mind if you're not totally "on."  Some swear by meditation. The less time your mind spends in the "groove" of thinking about the ex the easier it gets to stay out of that groove. Hang in there.

Good question!  What is working for me is being in therapy to understand my core issues and then working to resolve them.

What are you ruminating on today?

I was ruminating about the same things I've ruminated about every single other time she's discarded... .but the really sticky one?

Who the hell does and says those kinds of things to someone she says she loves?

Answer?  Someone with a personality disorder.

It's mostly a function of not understanding whatsoever how she thinks. She paints herself into emotional Corners that she doesn't have the awareness or ability to get herself out of... .Let alone anticipate that she might paint herself there.

She is emotionally, mentally and financially dangerous to herself. And the fact that she doesn't even realize she's doing any of it and doesn't have the empathy required to keep yourself from doing it ahead of time... .That makes her exponentially dangerous to everyone who's close to her.

Ooops... .this won't hurt... .did it?  Oh, silly me, I'm damaged.   Oh well.   Things happen.   You'll be fine.

Wth?

How have I been trying to keep myself from ruminating? By keeping my mind busy without crossing the line into denial or suppression of what I'm feeling. And a lot of positive self-talk

Hi again, PianoDood,

What I hear you saying is your rumination is about trying to figure out why she does what she does.  Is that correct?

I have finally decided that I can’t figure it out, it’s not logical and it doesn’t make sense to me. It has been helpful for me to continue detaching and focus more on myself because that’s where the payoff is. I can figure myself out and change my behavior to become a healthier and happier person. Not easy or fast, but totally worth it.

What do you think? 

Mustbe

Hey PD, I've done plenty of ruminating of my own about BPD and find it helpful to practice self-awareness by saying to myself, "OK, I'm ruminating," and then consciously redirecting my thoughts to something more positive.  Sometimes I actually tell my mind to cancel, or delete, when I catch myself going off on these tangents, which may sound weird but it works.  I guess what I'm saying is that you have more control over your own mind than you might think.  Worth trying out these mindfulness techniques.

LuckyJim

Jim,
I'm actually practicing those techniques. I do it a little differently. When I find myself ruminating on the positives, which were few and far between. Looking at it realistically, our relationship was 75% negative and 25% positive, if 25%. That's the reality when I finally took off my Rose Colored Glasses. What I do when I find myself ruminating about positives and wondering certain things that I can't figure out... .I tell myself I will heal, I'm going to be okay. God has my back. God wants me to be healthy, happy and whole. He wants me to live in peace

Hey PD, Keep up the good work!  BPD is such a complex disorder that, at the end of the day, it's doubtful whether you will ever get to the bottom of it, which is why I don't see much point in ruminating.  I spent plenty of time ruminating on my broken marriage, yet I finally had to accept that I would never fully comprehend BPD.

LJ

This is my sticking point too.  It's infuriating. No matter how many times I go over it in my head, I can't figure this out, I can never come up with the answer.  My T tells me that there is no point in me trying to understand it, I will never understand because the behaviour is 'un-understandable'.   

When it gets really bad for me, I literally talk to myself out loud.  I'll say "I'm ruminating and that's ok, but I need to give myself a break." Then make myself go for a walk, or phone a friend, or play a game on my phone. Anything to distract myself for a while.

That's exactly what I do too

Hey, PianoDood. Ruminating is a hard aspect to get past. I’m familiar with your situation. You’re on the exiting end of another recycle. I’ve been there. It hurts more each time.

I’m just over a year out from my ex. We share a young child, so complete detachment isn’t an option. I ruminate daily. Our Son and her are my first thoughts upon waking in the morning. The affects are less since time has passed, but it still hurts.

Time has given me a bit of a buffer to try to find answers. Space to start to figure things out.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, yet again. Does anything feel different this time?

Yes. Other than a few moments of wishing that certain things could have been different, I do not Pine for the relationship to come back. I truly want to be done this time because I see that she is not going to change ever unless she decides she's broken and needs to seek the help she so desperately needs. That's what's different this time. I've had enough. I can't deal with even a moment of being called a stupid MF , a b****, being told my normal human reactions and emotions over being abused and treated like a disposable piece of trash are stupid. Yes, that's how cruel she became this last time. When all I was doing was trying to love her and reacting to her behavior like a normal human being would. I've had enough of that crap. I've had enough of the abuse.

How do I say this in a way that reflects my core values? In my relationship with God, if I were outside of His will and sinning against Him to the point that my heart became hard, he would give me over to my sin and let me deal with the consequences until I either destroyed myself or came back to Him. In this case, she's giving herself over to her disorder by ignoring the fact she needs help and refusing to take any responsibility for the things that she does to me and our marriage. Therefore, the only thing I need to do is give her over to her choices and let her go.  I'm not God either. Therefore, I don't want her back even if she decided to come back and recycle again. I have had enough.

I am called to live in peace.

Man, the words are red hot knives. I know. Wishing that things could’ve been different is also part of the process. I wish that I had the right words for you. I can say this, time will ease the pain and proper work will lift you out of it.  

My best advice is that you stay here with us this time around. You were a great contributor to the board the last time you were here.

And what was my crime the day she verbally abused me by calling me a stupid MF, telling me my emotions were stupid, calling me a b****? What was my crime? Asking her why she hadn't called me the night before like she said she was going to do. It's sick

Therefore, the only thing I need to do is give her over to her choices and let her go.

I think you’re right. I imagine that this was a difficult conclusion to reach. What else can you do, though? You only have control over yourself. In having that control you’re deciding that you will no longer be hurt in these ways.

Verbally abusing people is sick. It’s mind bending to bare. I’m sorry, PianoDood. You didn’t deserve that. You know you didn’t.

Do you think that she will ever genuinely seek help for herself?

I was reading the other day, about how the pw/BPD will be angry (rage) at the non, because the non is angry at the pw/BPD for the treatment they are presenting towards the non,

... .essentially the pw/BPD is angry at the fact that their mate; the non, is now angry for being abused, and so... .the pw/BPD projects onto the non for being angry that they are being abused.

... .and the thought processes of the pw/BPD is that it’s the non’s fault that they are abusing him/her (non)... .in the first place... .

This is crazy making,

I think I’ve actually experienced this in my eleven year relationship... .but I didn’t understand it at the time.

I have been ruminating almost constantly for about three weeks, uBPDw moved out forty-one days ago, it helps me to reread my journals... .of the “bad times”, and the many past rage events.

Red5

Hey CR30, I think that's a really healthy strategy.  Nice work!  LJ

PD,

I think you are taking a healthy approach by realizing that you are ruminating and searching for ways to be productive in your recovery from the relationship.

I am in a very similar situation, as I also had to let go of the idea that uBPDh would recognize the extremely harmful effects of his abusive behavior, that he has made it unsafe and impossible for me to continue to be in a marriage with him. He is in complete denial and has rewritten the facts to make the end of the relationship all my fault.

My faith in God is the only thing that helps me some days. My belief in keeping my vows was the only thing causing me to keep holding on for a while. Now I know that abuse in marriage violates the covenant and is not God's will at all. I have to give my stbxh over to God and trust that He will handle it. I know that I can't.

I tried so hard to convince uBPDh that he needed help. He, too, criticized and verbally abused me for what were normal responses to abuse. He called me selfish, crazy, stupid, retarded, and other things that I will not repeat.

I realized that I was trying to convict uBPDh in his heart of his sin, and that job belongs to the holy spirit, not me.

I still do "circular rumination", obsessing over getting to the root of the problem, trying to iron out all the wrinkles of his disordered behavior (and I believe he is co-morbid) so I can fold them up neatly and organize them into my mental compartments. That has proven to be exhausting and unproductive in the long run. I do think there is certain amount of helpfulness in knowing more about the disorder driving the person who has caused us pain, but obsessive thoughts about it are not conducive to recovery.

I read to distract myself. Journaling helps get thoughts out of my mind and into a tangible form.

I also watch Christian teachers to help me focus more on God's will for me, God's love and grace and His purpose and promises for me. It helps me to heal some of the emotional wounds.
Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer are some of my personal favorites.

The devil would love for this to keep me frustrated, down and depressed, feeling defeated. I refuse to give the enemy that satisfaction.

Keeping you in my prayers, PD.

Redeemed