BPDFamily.com

So, I've posted here recently about my ex with BPD and my struggle detaching.  The experience has forced me to read up on the topic and educate myself as much as possible.  It's helped in giving me perspective and knowledge.

Recently I have reconnected with an old female friend from my past.  We found each other online and decided to spend some time together. I hesitated because she has displayed concerning behaviour in the past, but I decided to meet regardless.

As we chatted over coffee, it became clear that she has worked extremely hard on herself through CBT/DBT sessions.  The changes were unbelievable.  She shared her thoughts and feelings from the past and we both concluded that she may be BPD.   However, I can honestly say and so would she, that the treatments were crucial in her managing her disorder.  She has to apply the tools and methods she has learned when she finds herself thinking irrationally about people or their actions.  But in the end it allows her to feel in control of her thoughts and able to be highly functional.  She has found a sense of self and a love for herself that she has always struggled to have.  

She admits that she generally has a daily occurrence of dealing with BPD thoughts, however, she understands their origin and how to control things much much better.  

She spend the last 3-4 years in intensive therapy to get to where she is today. Message being it isn't easy.  She had hit rock bottom, her version of rock bottom.  That's a key thing to note.   Most of us have seen our Ex's break up and move on but not hit that point where they realize they need help desperately.  

So a couple of takeaways for us.  A: CBT/DBT can work for our loved ones.  She swears by it and claims it saved her life.  B: Its not easy and its a lifelong commitment, with BPD thoughts and tendencies not far away at any given moment for the person.

On a personal note, I also came to the conclusion, as I chatted with her, regarding something about my situation and how I was viewing the current state of my ex... .
For me... .this is the first time I see her in this state and I get frustrated when  I see she isn't taking the idea of getting help seriously.  It seems tragic to me, the sky is falling... .there's the RUB.  Its not tragic in her eyes.  Its likely the 4th or 5th time she's ended a relationship since her late teens in this manner or similar.  Its not her first rodeo.  
She knows the game, what the emotions will result from it and how to 'temporarily' address them(ie and new knight in shining armor).   As I frantically look on, she going to do what she has always done to get by... .whatever that may be no matter who it hurts along the way.

Everything you say aligns with what I have learned in the course of my work with this project. The pathway of hitting a low, working for an extended period (a year or so), making significant progress, and being in remission (not recovery) sounds right. Motivation, means (not everyone has access to DBT), and remission (some parallels to alcoholism).

I'd add that CBT is very often highly effective for people coming out of these relationships - to shorten the depression cycle and to deal with insecure attachment styles. I'd also add that a better understanding of human nature is something that will help many of us going forward - a lot of us learned our psychology from TV and it is a bad teacher. Lastly, the relationship skills/tools we learn to provide a constructive environment for a partner with BPD traits work extremely well with family members, clients, peers. I have no one in my life with a PD, but I use the tools daily.

Good post!  Hope you will stay on to share more of what you have learned.

Hi Nextstep1,


You said so yourself that your current ex pwBPD has her own rock bottom it's hard to watch someone that you care a lot about not see how they are hurting themselves and others through their own actions, pointing out what they're doing wrong doesn't work because their feelings and ego get in the way.

It's a journey that the person has to go through on their own to get to a place where they realise that how they act and the choices that they make no longer works for them, to move past that point you either have to dig deep and change or continue on a downward spiral.

Yes, that is what was described to me by a therapist. It's a very long process to get their thinking better aligned.

I saw a therapist we had both seen before he left, and then some afterwards, but I actually switched to someone who is more of a life coach at one point because I felt like I was stuck and needed a fresh perspective. She helped me get beyond a lot of things. Now I just go to a support group that she recommended and am finding that to be very helpful as new challenges and thoughts occur.