BPDFamily.com

I think H is spiraling into deep depression, and I feel I am circling around the drain myself.

Since in his mind he both is to blame for his diabetes ("I am being punished for being a glutton) but at the same time has no control over it, he refuses to do what's a needed, arguing black and white ideas like "I am supposed to starve myself since all food raises my sugar".  "I can't eat anything." "Diabetes is punishment as a disease meant to starve you."

When his brain is not pushing that it's his fault he got diabetes, he locks onto his abusive old boss who caused him a lot a pain and stress, and the people where I work that protected her because we believe she had dirt on them.  It's a college campus.  It's nigh impossible for people on the upper level to get fired, and while he can't see that his complaints started the ball rolling and many people were "retired" early, it's not good enough.  He hates that infrastructure he created while working there is still used, saying they owe him money for using it.  He says he should have blackmailed higher ups or threatened them with litigation (we have no lawyer, mind you). And a few lower level people who managed to stick it out are still there.  And it's all my fault because he needs it to be.  

I encouraged him to send in official complaints.  He did not until complaints had been filed against him, cancelling his own out, making them look like retaliation.  I encouraged him to quit as it was adversely affecting him.  But he claims he was fired because it fits his emotional state better, to be a righteous victim.  This was 4 years ago.  I am tired.  He left a bad job.  He got another one that for him, treats him okay.  But he needs to see things as bad to suit his worldview and so he reinvents the world in his mind.  

He is on a short fuse.  If I cough at the wrong time, sigh/gasp in pain from a sore knee or angry stomach, it's all about him, how I am mad at him, thinking bad things about him, embarrassed of him, ashamed of him.  I tell him I know that is how he feels about himself, but it's not how I feel, but he can't hear that.  

He notices I am tired, I tell him I feel "exhausted, on edge."  All he can say is "I make you feel that way." No effort to help, do anything about it.  No attempts to change, to exercise.  Just comments on the bags under my eyes.  Admissions I need more sleep, but then he fights me when I try to get to bed on time.  Not even early, just before 12 AM.  

He is complaining of daily, nearly incapacitating dizziness and mind-fog.  He will not go see a doctor.  He is missing work.  I feel terrible, exhausted, want to stay home in bed and cry, be left alone, but am trying to hold onto leave, so I drag my butt in each day.  Part of my going is to encourage him to get up and go.  

Went to a birthday party this weekend.  It was walking distance from home, so I was not worried about staying sober to drive back.  I did not get sloppy drunk, either, but H chides me for drinking at all, anytime I do, calls me a drunk, mocks me... .and yet he's the one with a hangover.  So now I am embarrassed, wondering if he is right and I was embarrassing, or is it just his super hyper self-consciousness that expects me to sit in a corner and be pretty and gracious and only speak what he'd say himself.

I am sitting here, wanting to cry yesterday and today.  I almost want to ship him off to live with his depressing parents right now, as he threatens will happen when the first one of them dies, and just live my life in the house I work to keep clean, with the pets I take care of.    
I have nowhere to go for a "break".  No family, no friends I'd drag into this.  I have no money to waste on a hotel.  And I resent the idea I need to leave my home in order to get some rest, to recuperate, to get past these feelings.  I don't know how to fix this.  If it even can be.  I am doing pretty good I think on radical acceptance, I accept he's ill, both physically and emotionally.  

But I also feel a bit like the end of the movie What Dreams May Come.  Robin Williams, "Chris" had to descend into the deep despair and depression his wife felt to "reach" her in the afterlife.  In doing so, he was falling into the same trap into which she put herself.  He was almost stuck for eternity, when she finally saw him and snapped them both out of it, and saved them.  But... .H isn't going to save me.  it's always me saving myself.  I feel so lonely, so... .crap, I don't even know.  

Everybody's searching for a hero;
People need someone to look up to.
I never found anyone who fulfilled my need.
A lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.

I never made it to the rest of the song, I am stuck, here. Sory.  I just don't know what I can do.  I am going back to taking my homepathic mood elevators (HTTP5 and St Johns Wort) to see if it helps.  Valerian Root at night to help me say asleep.  Maybe I really just need more sleep.  Or one day with no bitching, complaining.  

Took a half day, repairman came back, the machine misbehaved while he was here so he is getting a part. 

H is ina terrible mood, he’s always mad when he misses work.  He needs regularity in his life, but he also hates schedules and fights them like a toddler needing a bath.  He resents control, and things like going to bed equal control.  This has been a rough, yucky day, all because I can’t seem to relax, and think I am worn down or ill myself, both.  Tried to go to the bedroom and sleep for a while, felt too agitated.  Got some stuff moved to storeroom, and relocated some problematic furniture, so I should feel good. 

But now he’s wanting to rearrange our entire living room in a way I don’t think will work, but me saying so is invladiating. 

I just want to put up our tree already, but I can’t say where it will go, now, if he gets a burst of energy and starts shifting furniture.  It’s a decent, open room at the moment.  He wants to clutter it up, because his concept of space is always bad s9mehow.  He plays with blueprints for fun, you’d think he could look at furniture and see how it will or won’t fit.

Tired, been griped at since noon, took my shower early, about to try to go to bed.  See if he lets me sleep or needs to try to start a fight where I get to be the calm one and diffuse and avoid while trying to sleep. 

Hi isilme,

I thought I had the market on BPD-induced exhaustion. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

No suggestions since it seems like you've really explored every option. I just really hope you get the rest and space you need and pronto. 

Sending you strength,
~Roland

Hi Roland.  I ended up just crying and crying quietly in my office yesterday.  Made my eyes a horrible mess, but I guess I needed it.  Still feel on the edge of weepy, like there's too much to do, no time, and am really sad the tree isn't up - it a source of comfort for me at Christmas, and the delays in putting it up make me feel bad.  I want to wrap his gifts and get them out of my sock drawer and other places they are stashed - I am tired if having issues finding socks, etc.  Also, as usual, I can tell he's done nothing so far for me for Christmas - makes me sound selfish I suppose, but there has been no change to the bank account I didn't create.  He waits for the last minute, then gets mad if shipping has weather or other delays.  Meanwhile, I've been slowly getting gifts for him for months.  It's like he needs to see things under the tree to realize, yes, Christmas is coming.  Same day every year.  Might not want to hurt your wife's feelings. 

Meh.  Gotta run do job stuff.  At least I've held off weeping for a few hours so far, so I won't look AS bad.  had people asking me lately what's wrong with my eyes - BEFORE I was even crying.  I must look relly tired. 

Your husband's moods affect you. It is so hard not to feel the negative vibes when you live in the same house, and you do not see a way out. Probably, your first challenge is to set an emotional boundary with your husband, that you are not affected as much by his moods. What parts of his unhappiness, reflect how you would feel with or without him? Is therapy for yourself a possibility? What activities do you enjoy? What kind of people lift your spirits? You are on a journey and looking for changes. With time, and continued effort like posting here, things can get better. Keep us posted. There is no such thing as telling us too much or posting too often. Many members attribute their finally feeling better, and having happier lives, to many long months, sometimes years of regularly posting here. 

I usually can, but have become quite run down.  Physical pain and exhaustion are taking a toll, and I am trying to work to get more sleep, but I've always struggled with getting enough sleep.  The hypervigilance I grew up with is not helping me, now.  Taking valerian root at night seems to be helping a little staying asleep - I just need to get better at going to bed at a good time.  If I go too early, I wake up at like 4AM and can't get back to sleep until it's time for work.  If I go too late, I may sleep decently until the alarm, but it's just not long enough.  I rarely hit REM sleep during the work week, and only rarely on weekend mornings when I can relax and sleep in.  I don't hit all the stages of sleep needed to recharge and refresh often enough.


What part doesn't?  When he is mostly regulated, I am very happy to be around him.  He's not really one to idealize me much, so it's not that level of slipping some people have, he can just be close to "normal" and things are okay.  Minor griping, complaining.

When he's ill, feels poorly mentally, physically or spiritually, it's non-stop.  "I'm dying.  No one understands my pain.  I am going to be fired, just you see.  I am going to lose my legs.  The bags under your eyes are too big.  You're too tired from taking care of me.  My parents are dying, I need to go move in with them but they won't listen to me.  I am useless, I waste time relaxing or sleeping, I should be making things.  I suck, I can't make things.  Our ouse sucks.  It's falling apart.  You should go take care of the cars/fix the porch/have let yourself go.  I am fat/ugly/bald/unattractive.  I have become everything no one wants to be.  The world is falling apart.  No one respects me.  I have no friends.  Everyone thinks bad things about me/hates me."  More and more all day.  I listen as long as I can.  I try to validate his feelings, even if I can't validate his statements as 'fact'.  This can cause a fight.  Changing the subject "you just don't want to listen to me like everyone else.  You don't respect me" 

When he is mostly regulated - I feel okay.  When he is like this, I want him to find a place to be and go away for a few hours at least.  I get no time at home, alone.  He is either there, staying home from work, or there after work.  He has no people he goes and visits.  The few things he enjoys that would et him out of the house are sporadic, and his energy levels make them hard for him to do, now.  He can't go play DnD for 8 hours straight at the local game shop - it's too much for him to not eat or only eat even worse junk than he insists on having at home. 

So, as much as I love him, I need some time alone, quiet, to myself, and I can't even get that in the shower, he insists on coming in there.  We only have one bathroom, it's often for a valid need.  I have nowhere to go.  The closest space I have is my office at work, but people walk in and out all day long. 


Other than this site?  Nope.  Tiny rural town - no confidentiality.  No way for me to go without him knowing.  And honestly the few times I've tried it I have little repoire with the counselors - I did not trust them as I knew everything I was saying was being repeated to my dad, so I stonewalled them.  Refused to open up.  Talked only about TV.  Therapy did not stop my dad from abusing me - it just made him move way from as much hitting to more psychological abuse.  It did not stop my mom from being self-destructive and a substance abuser, not even rehab.  I don't have a lot of faith in it, so even if I had unlimited time, money, and a place to go, it would not work for me. 


In the place, I am right now?  Very few.  I feel sad, or numb.  Tiredness is filling in all "holes" in my wants/needs.  How do I feel?  Tired.  What do I want?  To freeze time so I can sleep as long as I want/need, and know no one is going to wake me because they are lonely.  Bored.  Need me.  Obligations like work or chores require me up.  The rain 7 blocks away won't come by.  The neighbors dogs wont bark. 

I enjoyed putting up my Christmas lights outside.  I usually like wrapping gifts.  Seasonal baking.  Movies.  Some games.  Making stuff. 

But I am so damn tired right now I feel accomplished if I get the trash out of the house and make sure the littler box is clean when I get home.  Going to work 40+ hours plus having H at home just drains me.  I honestly don't know how those here with kids do it. 

I don't know.  I am usually the one doing the lifting. We have limited friends who can spend any time with us.  There are some close ones, but they moved 10+ hours away, or have small children and farm schedules, or still do shift work jobs so my 8-5 day ends when they still have several hours to go.  And H's health issues mean it's hard to plan to meet even for dinner.  We have one couple, and sadly I think the wife has some BPD herself, or NPD, but they have been kind to us, and seem to like spending time with us, and are comfortable just coming to our house to spend time.  This works best for H, since his issues make him now feel nervous leaving the house for long periods.  He never knows if a new kidney stone will try to pass, making him want to vomit or dry heave, or if his sugar issues will make him ill other ways, and he's atrophied a bit, to where he is easily tired.  He is only 41.  He acts like he's about 65.  He got it from his parents who are in their late 60s, but act like late 80s in mobility and overall health.

I'm sorry.  I do so much better when I am reasonably rested.  At 41 I simply can't operate as well on terrible sleep like I could at 21.  Or even 31.  My own emotional regulation gets hampered.