BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am completely lost and need some advice.  I very very recently discovered that the complications I am dealing with in my marriage are due to a spouse who I think is a high functioning BPD.  She does not have all of the traits but I felt like I was reading the story of my life when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. SO much of it rang true.   

The conflict is so bad right now that I feel I need to separate.  I have been criticized so harshly over the years that I had to hide things from my wife including some minor spending, where I would eat at, where I was, etc.  I never did anything bad unless you consider sneaking a big mac for lunch a capital crime.   I admitted this to her some time ago and instead of being supportive of my admission, I now became the worlds largest and worst liar in her eyes. She questions my every move and needs to know exactly where I am at during the day. 

After having this revelation that I am dealing with a BPD, I realized that I have never truly upheld my own personal rights.  I feel i need to separate, at least for a short time like a week just to get my bearings.  However, I don't know if separation means that I demand and enforce that I cut off all communication including her knowing where I am at.  I feel like I want to do this, not to punish her but to just get right in the head.  She is already unreasonably suspicious of me because I admitted that i hid things in the past from her.  When I tried to explain that it was mostly because of the pressure she puts on me, she called me even more of a liar and berated me saying that her distrust was all my fault.  This is so confusing because I was guilty of not telling the truth in the past. Still, i feel her having to know where I am at, despite my past, is a gross violation of my privacy right now, but I know if i leave for a few days she will demand to know where I am at every moment and it will eat her up.  I will tell her where and with whom I am staying, but I feel thats about it. 

I need help determining if my enforcing no communication for the few days would be considered cruel and abusive towards her, because I know it will eat her up in side.  Still, I feel so violated after finally discovering that I have been manipulated and emotionally abused for such a long time. 

I could use some professional advice as i am thinking of separating in the next few days.

Thank You

hi William_D, and *welcome*

do you have a plan in terms of separating, like where you would go?

 :hi:

I understand you feel violated, but I doubt she did anything intentionally. I understand your need to be alone for a while. I would explain her that I am taking me time to rest and need to be alone. I would tell my phone would be off. If she needs reassurance, I would agree to send text in the evening wishing good night, or I would be strict saying phone will be of all the time you are away. I would tell her in advance what to expect. But that's just my opinion.

D.W.

Hi William_D! This part really hits home for me because I had a discussion with my husband about it just last night. I didn't tell him that I was still texting (and by texting, I mean very short interactions once a week at most) with some family members he doesn't like. The reason I didn't tell him was because my family is a HUGE trigger for him. I'm scared to even mention them at this point. I know I lied and should have been honest, but at the same time, there's a part of me that thinks "No. This is my family. My conversations with them -- unless they involve both of us -- are my business."

Anyway, from what I understand about pwBPD, abandonment is a BIG issue so it may be something that doesn't go over well at all. Some kind of limited communication with rules and boundaries in place may help with that but it would all need to be laid out for her. Again, I don't know your wife, but my guess is it may not be well received at first. I definitely understand your need for some rest and space, though. I feel the same way. Just can't quite figure out how to make it happen.

Thanks to all for your responses and the welcome. It really feels good to know I am not alone. I spend a lot of time on the computer but have managed to avoid forums most of my life so its going to take me some time to figure out how everything works.  I'm not sure how to reply to specific messages but ill give it a shot.


Yes, my parents live 5 minutes away and I visited them yesterday and told them what was going in.  I could not believe it, but my mother had randomly bought the book "walking on eggshells" because of some other situation in her life, and apparently she told my father that she suspected that may be going through some form of emotional abuse and or that my wife may have some sort of PD.  They will be a supportive as they can and they have a spare room if i need to stay for an extended time.  As far as a plan, I think I would try to tactfully explain that I feel we are not able to have any effective communication without my boundaries being violated, and that I really need some alone time to assess how I feel about my boundaries and how i can be fair to her.  I can see 10 ways that i will be critisized for saying that.  When things are "OK" I am at least shown some love, but as soon as something feels bad to her, I everything good I good i have ever done is non-existnat... .we are on one of those times now, so everything that comes out of my mouth leads do me being the devil for enforcing my boundaries.


That makes sense - I think I may give that a try.  I may also let her know where I will be at roughly so she feels less suspicious, but i may still keep my phone off. 



I get what you are saying... .no win situations are a weekly if not daily scenario.  I hope you are able to somehow find a balance.  In my experience, when my wife thinks someone is a Villan, there is absolutely nothing short of the person coming over and admitting all the wrongs, perceived or real, that they have done that will change her mind, and she cant see the good in people.  Some famous person once said, "You can look for the good in people, and you can look for the bad in people, and you will find what you are looking for."  I think  pwBPD can really do both at times, but seeing both good and bad and accepting both is really hard for them. 

I again appreciate everyone's responses and I will definitely check back on this post and read others. 

a level of privacy is important for space in a marriage... .secrecy is another thing.

it makes a marriage partner suspicious. for someone with BPD traits, it can feel like a huge betrayal.

there might be a way to get on the same page with your wife about this. do you want to talk to her about it?