BPDFamily.com

Hi Family,

Two days ago my uBPDw got after me for getting mad about a sports game and my fantasy football league. Ironically she accused me of using her and the kids as a punching bag for when I'm upset (it really wasn't that bad). Anyways, yesterday went just fine. But tonight, she comments and goes after me trying to figure out why my sisters (2) "heart" pictures of each other's kids while only liking my pictures of my and my W's kids. My uBPDw is not on Facebook for good reason but can see my account on a couple devices which I don't have a problem with until I hear about stuff like this. What's a good way to explain that so I can try and make sense without getting the 3rd degree?

Just tired of her getting after me for virtually no reason.

i dont know that you can explain it, or try to. one would have to be in your sisters head.

probably, theres something more behind it. what is their (your wife and sisters) relationship like?

Hi guitarguy,

I'm not on Facebook so I don't know the difference between hearting and liking a post.

It sounds as though your wife thinks this is indicative of a difference between how your sisters view each other's kids and how they view your kids. Do you think there is any grain of truth in your wife's interpretation or is it just driven by her insecurities?

If the latter, can you identify the reason for the difference in your sisters' FB habits?

For example, maybe, as a guy, you prefer liking to hearting, so you like their pictures and they just follow your lead and do the same back with yours? I've absolutely no idea if that's the case or not, but I'm guessing you'll be able to find some simple explanation which shows how the difference doesn't reflect how your sisters feel about your kids v how they feel about each others.

Sounds very similar to situations with my uBPDh.

He hates two of my sisters, for various reasons. Anyway, they're very close. Their kids are close. He gets angry because he feels they don't care as much about his son (my stepson, 8 years old) as they do about each others' kids.

Well, they don't. I'm not sure it's reasonable to think they should. They're very kind to him and the kids all get along great, but he's only been around for 2 years and they don't see him often. They barely know him. On the other hand, they've changed each others' kids' diapers, babysat, had sleepovers. It doesn't help that S8 is five years younger than the only boy in the family and all the other kids close in age to him are girls. No sleepovers. No invites to girls-only birthday parties.

They could make more effort but, at the same time, I think they've been just fine to and with him. To him, though, every little perceived slight turns into a trigger for dysregulation. One niece (6) had a seizure out of the blue last week and is undergoing all kinds of testing while they try to figure out what caused it. It was one of the main topics of conversation at a weekend gathering. For him, that was just a sign that they don't care about S8. Still trying to understand how concern for a potentially ill 6-year-old somehow diminishes a perfectly healthy 8-year-old.

Anyway, in my situation, H is SUPERsensitive regarding S8 and the fact that H is divorced. I think he's always felt guilty that S8's life is complicated by going back and forth between homes (no drama there though -- H and his ex co-parent just fine), that he's brought S8 into a step situation where he could, potentially, feel like an outsider. He also feels guilty because, as he has admitted many times, he doesn't like being a father and doesn't really like kids. Feels very insecure about his abilities as a parent.

Are there underlying issues with your wife that could lead to her being hyper-sensitive in that area?

I've tried explaining things to him and it hasn't worked. To him, it's me defending my family and making excuses for them.

Bnonymous,

Thanks for your reply. I think it's mostly driven by her insecurities. She had a LOT of conflict though with my two sisters but as of a little over a year ago that's all been resolved with good confidence on my end that it won't come up again. The reason is it was hell to go through. I posted about it probably several years ago.

I do usually tend to 'like' rather than 'heart' or love their posts. Just as a guy something I would rather do I guess. And my two sisters are very close, as I am the only boy and they are the only girls in the family. Now I do think they like my wife, she is included in family events and they make a good effort on gifts and even doing things like playdates with the kids.

The only option I can think of to totally get rid of this criticism is to delete my account but I can't really do that because it helps keep us connected to extended family and I like sports groups on there.

Hi Ozzie101,

Thanks for your reply. It sounds like a bad situation and a lot to manage. That does sound similar in that, there's two on one side and he's on the other. My W's very insecure about her friendships and she is a good mom, but she always feels like she comes up short. She's always quick to spot ways that other 'pinterest moms' are doing all sorts of great things with their kids, but she doesn't want to really play with our kids (I usually handle that about 90% of the time). She usually thinks if a parent is popular so are their kids, which I guess is true to a certain extent. This happened at our former church. Our kids virtually got ignored and other kids were fawned all over all the time. So I think that does play into it as well.

She hasn't mentioned Facebook since last week, but I did try using some empathy and validation and that got a great response in regards to another friendship of hers that went awry. This particular friend lives close and never treated my W like a good friend, just someone to hang out with when the kids were hanging out together and almost ignored her after that. I mentioned that and she appreciated me saying that.

Also I don't post as much as I have because I noticed my older sister doesn't seem to be following me on there anymore but I think that's because I post a lot about sports and movies which she might find annoying .

Hi guitarguy09,


So... .You, as a guy, like your sisters' photos and they respond in kind by liking yours. Your wife hasn't seen that trivial reason, but has taken the difference to reflect an underlying difference between their attitude to your children and their attitude to each other's children. And it's possible she is emotionally relating this to the previous conflict even though it has now been resolved.

People get upset by their interpretations of things rather than the things themselves. CBT techniques encourage people to look at how there are a range of interpretations for events (most of them benign) instead of fastening on the most emotionally loaded one. This is something your wife might need help in practicing.

But if you tell her how she's got it wrong, this could be recieved as invalidating and escalate things further. It can be hard to find the line between reassurance and invalidation in cases like these. We don't want to slip into JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining). There are helpful discussion around JADEing here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0

One practical thing you could do is start hearting your sisters' pictures. They will almost certainly respond in kind. And then your wife won't be able to seize on this difference as a possible "confirmation" of her insecurities.

Exactly. H does this ALL the time. He immediately jumps to the most negative possible interpretation of anything and it makes him even more miserable and angry. Last night he was doing it with his own family. I listened and pointed out to him alternate interpretations. That seemed to actually calm him down a bit and we ended the evening in a happier place. I know, though, that if I'd done it with something regarding MY family, it would not have gone as well.

It's a difficult line there. I've been very guilty of JADEing in the past and I'm trying to watch it, especially where my family is concerned. But when it's not my family and he's not too far down the dysregulation road, I've found that if I validate his feelings ("I can understand why you feel that way. It's awful to feel left out."), then gently point out an alternative ("Do you think it could be this instead?"), it works at calming him down. Again, though, it can't be about my family. They're a big trigger for him.

It is a difficult line, but I think you've found it, Ozzie101! It sounds like you've got it exactly right. This is a brilliant and really helpful post. 

Yes I agree, that was a great post Ozzie101. I think I need to consciously think about not JADEing when getting into a conversation that could get heated. When I think empathy first instead of arguing or judging, it produces a better result.