BPDFamily.com

Hi folks. Just a little straw poll hoping for discussion into whether trust still exists or has it been damaged. will add my own two-cents in when its finished. thanks

I do and I don’t trust her. I trust her in the sense that I can tell through her actions that she cares about the kids for example if she sends one of the kids to my house she’ll ask that I call to make sure that they got there ( she leaves across the street moved to out of city then moved back across the street )

I don’t trust her in the sense that she has my best interests at her at heart because she’s not looking out for what’s best for others she’s centeted on herself I do understand that her dysfunctional behaviours are attributed to her BPD traits. That being said it’s not an excuse for her behaviours and I will challenge her on her behaviours.

For example she started breaking the court order sage knows the difference between right and wrong if I didn’t react then the next time that she breaks she’ll know that probably nothing will happen, she refused to give me the kids on my time so I filed to enforced the court order.

PS Can I suggest a poll option if yes and no at the same time?

i guess it depends... .what are we trusting/distrusting our exes to do or not do?

Trust an ex... .what does that mean, exactly.

Through experience, we gravitate towards trust or distrust for someone based on what has happened historically.

Some elderly people keep their life savings in a sock behind the wardrobe rather than the bank - they trust it there better.

trust enough to have in your life not to be vulnerable to being hurt again, lied to, or whatever negative reasons brought you here for support in the first place.

Ive learned that I could forgive most of what she did, but I cant escape the thing that broke the r/s but it took me alot of reflection to really appreciate it; its the lack of trust for building a future on that made it pointless to continue.

I don't trust my ex because she lies about 70-80% of the time. Not really a factor anymore. Most of the lies don't affect me or my life. The ones that do, I adjust for and have a plan B or C in place. Then there are the lies that pertain to the divorce/custody agreement which I keep a copy on my person at all times. I've taken a picture of the relevant part of that agreement and sent it to her several times. Evidently she doesn't keep a copy with her.

I would like to trust her but she hasn't taken the steps to be trusted as of yet.

I trust that my ex will not do anything that I have a need to be concerned about. The relationship is over. We have gone our separate ways.

What does this question about trusting an ex BPD has to do with anything. ?  It's weird! She is not of your concern anymore she's an ex. It shows you haven't healed  yet because you still thinking about her. Healing takes working on your core trauma injury and I guess you haven't done that yet...

I am separated... .so not exactly sure my input is valid here, ie’ “ex”... .‘but’, .my uBPDw, she is an accountant by career before she resigned.

So, she is a “math and statistics” person, a “cut and dried” type personality... .with a large dose of “worry” in there.

A dry and mechanical attitude about certain things... .no emotion... .robotic?

I would trust her not to “take advantage” of me, if I were to have to ask her to do a certain ‘something’ for me?

... .’if that makes any sense’,

For example... .if I were to say, ask her to do something for me, .like pick up a package for my daughter from the post office and take it to my daughters work place... .I believe that she would do something like that for me, and I  likewise would do something like that for her.

No questions asked, no inquiries... .I’d just do it as a cordial favor... .

But that’s about the extent of it, no further... .

I don’t trust her enough to take care of my special needs Son anymore, .like different levels of a security clearance I guess,

Interesting question to ponder... .

Red5

I think a more poignant question would be do you trust anyone?

Speaking as a coparent like Muttley (though not struggling as he is with an actively damaging OP),  I trust her with what I trust her with,  and I trust that she will keep trying to assert control and improve me as a person.  A recent example was the text the other night,  "S8 forgot to show his permission slip.  "We seriously need to work on his organizational skills.  I'm working on being organized myself by having an organized home and not having piles of papers. Subconsciously kids pick up on this stuff." She was criticizing and blaming me.  

Or, it could be that he's an 8 year old boy? With ASD1, a Dx which she pushed? He's got a high IQ [top 14% tested, but he's above everybody in his class the second year running) and his mind is preoccupied with higher things than what she can comprehend?

I didn't respond.  Yes, there is a single table in my home I could do better on keeping clear.

A month ago,  it was my lack of well-articulated goals in life,  as if that were any of her business.  That pisses me off and I got a late night email a week later with she telling me how I'd hurt her by what I said (misconstrued, something I didn't say at all). I didn't respond which may have validated her view that I'm a "bad communicator." I wasn't going to take the bait,  nor was interested in hashing things out from 5 years ago. Less is more, IMO.

 Three  years ago it was giving me financial advice when she was involved in a MLM company that sold financial instruments and life inference.  They used LGAT techniques to fire up their associates. Might as well have convinced me to get audited to purge myself of excess Thetans.

The take on my personal situation is this:  share as little as possible because I can't trust her as a friend though the kids view us as friends.

My therapist put it this way years ago when he explained his view of a friend: "a friend is someone to whom you take out your heart and present it in your hands and ask,  'what do you think?'" Put that way,  I thought,  "no way in hell is she my friend. I don't have friends like that."

I retain a little affection and even a little attraction towards her,  but then I remember how horribly she ended up being to the guy she left me for (except for cheating, far, far worse... .(I was never punched nor hog tied and beaten by cops, nor treated with utter derision as worthless), and i shudder.  

What prompted you to ask this question? I have seen members who keep in touch with their exes here,  though they are few.  

I see a day, maybe a little over a year from now, that I will have two (2) ex wives... .

What was I thinking

Red5

I thought it would be interesting because there is always discussions about love but in the stories they are shared with having been the victim of betrayal, lies, deceit.

So one thing when I went back each time for a recycle, where it always led to was - spending my time with a girl trying to recapture all that I was attracted to - prior - to that moment of trust evaporation and for some reason repressing it. But if i could have listened to my gut instinct and answered

regardless of all the other feelings on the surface - "do i trust her" and when it comes down to it, for me there is a "yes, no" protective inbuilt response, ie, its not a gray area or at least - shouldnt be.

It was simple, I didnt trust her and what should have automatically went with that is - I couldnt love here, because both for me are intertwined.

I think a more poignant question would be do you trust anyone?

I think I didnt for a long time but part of the recovery is losing a jaded outlook where distrust has became an inbuilt temporary safety barrier. Coming out of the fog and getting out of the emotional whirpool has helped to progress on not "betting the farm" emotionally on just handing out trust from the outset - it has to be earned and in the meantime, trust can be dispensed but with the appropiate safe guards put in place.

My difficulty after detaching has been in trusting myself, however I will say that I do trust he will not do anything to jeopardise my relationship with my son as he has shown me with his actions that he will stay away from us. I have no reason or need to have to trust him beyond that because we are long done and he has no part in my life.


Love and light x