BPDFamily.com

Hi.  This is my very first post & I'm just putting my feelers out there to gain some confidence & stop denying my intuition. I'm in a tough spot because I am completely enmeshed in a severely toxic relationship that I'm not proud to say I have stooped to many low levels of toxicity as retaliation and to "protect myself."  I've been trying to make it work but my SO displays some super controlling & narcissistic traits that only ever leave me feeling so so down, helpless & invalidated.  His temper is off the hook & he will twist my intentions or situations to be able to attack me and treat me like garbage even though in intuition I know he's gaslighting me or making me seem crazy and like he does no harm. This has gone on for 15 years, and we have 1 child together. I keep staying for my child although its toxic for him as well I just haven't had the courage to get out there on my own.  I always worked until last year at least part time and it took me 10 years but I got my bachelors degree and I was one class away from my masters degree when I dropped out because of severe drama with him... .He coerced me to agree to a threesome with him and his friend and even though it was against my better judgement I did it and oh boy did it cause major problems for us as he used it against me as a sign that I dont care for him (not to mention his friend caught feelings for me and I did for him as well) Our "friend" was living with us for over a year but he recently moved out and I miss him so much as he understood me & really cared for me but I couldn't just leave and be with him so it caused me so much pain and heartache and guilt.  I've also been using drugs for the past year and so has my SO so I'm not in a good place at all and typing all of this out makes me realize just how chaotic my life is & I'm reaching towards the light and trying to find solutions.  I have such a huge part of me that can't leave my SO & I have such low self esteem that I want to fix him and us but the reality is I'm left lonely and pushed away all the time. My friends have turned their backs on me over the years due to his controlling behavior and I then in turn isolated my own self and let him have power over me in that way, so I literally have not one person I can confide in about this stuff and I'm kind of shy and hard to make friends as it is so I just feel trapped. I have a little black cat that I bottle fed since he was 3 days old (he is now almost 3 years old) and he is my true companion as we are extremely bonded as well as my son whom I am extremely close to so I count my stars I have them as positive people to wake up to each day but I can't confide in my son or my cat ... .so my problems I carry as a burden inside my mind and heart.  Given this mass amount of info, how do I learn to get over the heartache and depression of being invalidated almost daily with my SO? When he does treat me with "love" he is just playing games with my heart--- does he really not know what he's doing to me?  He gets so manipulative and he plays such power games where I always come out losing it's just so hard sometimes... .  Is there a way to stay in this relationship for my son's sake but disconnect from his power and control tactics or will he always get one over on me?  Perhaps I'm just too sensitive emotionally as he knows exactly how to push my buttons and keep me at a distance... .  I know I wrote a lot and I'm not having a very good day as he has been making me miserable blaming me twisting reality to fit his hate towards me... .  but thx for reading this long winded post I appreciate it. 

Dear Infinit149,
        It's difficult to see clearly, when the world is out of focus. Being under the influence, may help get you through these troubled waters and reduce your feelings, but in the long run sorting things out will just take longer. Taking care of yourself starts with you. As a caregiver (son and cat), you know that they depend on you to be there, right?  Think about what that takes, and do it for you, and for them. As far as your SO, he's on his own path. Sometimes it's the same one you travel, and sometimes not. Regardless of his actions or reactions, this road you are on is your life, not his. We welcome others to be with us, but having a pwBPD in our lives means that we are sometimes alone. Your son, and kitty are there (I have kids and a trusty dog), and that is far more than most have. You also have an education (think about finishing that Masters degree), that no one can ever take away from you. I just finished my BA last year and will be going into Graduate school. It is never too late, and it's a gift you can give yourself.
         Being sensitive is not a weakness. After being emotionally traumatized it is natural to feel 'raw' after a rage. My husband tries to turn it all on me, and says that all we do is fight. I know that this is a battle in his head, and not a real one. They are in the dark, and they run on fear. When you mentioned that you were reaching for the light, that's all it takes. The more you understand about BPD  how to react (not JADE), it will change.  He will be less controlling, because your will find a way to take the power back. We are the ones that give it to them, and we are the ones that can take it.
     One of the first things I learned to do, was to not engage in crazy behavior. For some reason, when my husband was going crackers it made me feel that way too. I had to stop, and calmly and quietly recoil. Sometimes it was a slow walk out of the room or a scamper when things were being thrown. You will get there and things will get better. 
   Keep reaching for the light.  It dispels darkness.

Hi infnit149,

*welcome*

I'm glad you found us!

You're getting some great input from loyalwife here.

It must be painfully confusing feeling like you're being gaslighted and manipulated. There are lots of members here who will be able to relate to your situation. I feel like this with my boyfriend a lot and I know how it can mess with our heads. A strong support system outside of the relationship can really help to keep us grounded and help us hold on to our own sense of reality. I'm sorry to hear you don't have much outside support and I hope you find a way to reconnect with your old friends or begin to make new ones. Do please keep sharing with us here.

You say you've "stooped to many low levels of toxicity" to retaliate and protect yourself. It's great that you're self-aware enough to recognise this. There is an article and short (three minute) video here on ending conflict and about how before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse. Check it out if you get chance, as it's a good first step.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Thank you for the info and the hope, it is much appreciated.

Hi Infnit149,

Good to see you back!  :hi:

How are things going now?