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S4 and I stayed the night at my best friends house last night. We all had fun. We played pool, listened to music and talked about random topics. My friend’s niece had a friend with her and she really connected with my Son. This was a total turn on! He actually sat in her lap and talked with her throughout the night. I felt lust and infatuation. I was completely turned on by this woman because she was treating my child well. I’m far from wanting a relationship. I’ve too much work to do right now.

The feelings were genuine, though. I stepped back and looked at them from an emotional POV. That girl got to me in a meaningful way.

I also see this as kind of a breakthrough in my healing. I recognized virtue. The feelings that I felt were almost overwhelming. I just sat down beside them and said “thanks for being cool to my kid”.

I felt true attraction last night. I’m not ready for anything like that yet, but it was positive.

It sounds like you are ready to find out what makes a healthy relationship and how to have one. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help you Find and Keep-Love" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224638.0) is a really good read. You may want to look up some of Gotbushels'  and Skip's posts as they are two male staff members who give good advice, and have walked the walk, so to speak. Working on not having another relationship like your past one, can be way more challenging than you ever realize, because at first it can seem like the person you are attracted to is different from your ex, when in fact there are many similarities.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224638.0

Hi again, zachira. I’m definitely on a path to learn what a healthy relationship is. Hopefully I’ll have the experience someday. I’m familiar with gotbushels and Skip.

I carry a big fear of entering a relationship that is similar. This is why I’ve checked out of that for the time being. I’m not able to be a good partner at this point. I need to love myself for a while, or learn how to do this better so that I can be able to love another in a better way. Thank you, z.

You are on  track to eventually finding a loving happy relationship. You are willing to take the time to get to know yourself better and to face the painful decisions of the past. The most universal advice that I have found: take it slowly. It is about getting to know a person, and not being taken in by a strong attraction. The people that are often so successful at forming healthy relationships are often not attracted to their partner at first, and there is no ongoing drama or tremendous highs from the attraction, particularly in the beginning stages of the romance. 

Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll be purchasing it after I’m done spending for Christmas.

zachira gives good advice,  take it slow.  I'll tell it from the opposite angle... .

A younger woman at work has been a little flirty with me this past year.  It was a little odd,  but she's from an Asian country and older guys in tech being with younger Asian women isn't uncommon in the silicon valley. 

I took my kids to work last month.  We were in the cafeteria and she walked by without stopping to say hello.  I usually catch her yet,  or the opposite,  and we smile and nod. If I run into her in the hallway, she'll grasp my hand,  more than a handshake.  Many times.

When she passed by,  I thought,  "not step mother material." Then I caught myself, "that's the wrong way to think about it." I may have been over thinking it. 

My feeling about your experience is that it was good; she likes kids,  she likes your kid.  Approach her,  however,  with you in mind,  not your son. 

Hey, Turkish. I agree that zachira has given good advice here. I have no desire to jump head first into a relationship ever again. I’ve done this more than once and it’s obviously never turned out well. With that being said I’m also nowhere near ready for a long term and committed relationship. I’ve much more work to do on myself before that can ever be considered.

I discussed my attraction to this person with my T this evening. I’m concluding that the attraction felt so good because it was a healthy attraction. It wasn’t an attraction based in the the desire to rescue or be a caretaker. It wasn’t out of manipulation. It was because of an observation. I was attracted to what I saw, not because of feeling the need to act, if that makes sense.

I’m glad that you pointed out that situations like this need to be about me, not S4. If I’m viewing this correctly, S4 would become an aspect of my love life when and if things progressed to the point of me allowing a SO to become involved with my Son. Maybe I’m reading too far ahead.