BPDFamily.com

Has anyone on this thread divorced in Colorado?  If so, can you give me tips on what to expect?  Because Colorado is a 50/50 state, I want to be as prepared as I can with my BPD husband.  I have been married to him for 38 years.  For most of that time, I was a stay at home mom.  I want to see if I can get a maintenance package from him, to have him keep me as his beneficiary on his life insurance policy.  etc.  Any tips from anyone familiar with Colorado family law, would be greatly appreciated.

You do need to get confidential legal advice from local experienced attorneys.  I emphasize confidential... .attorneys you get consultations with (often inexpensive) cannot share your confidential information with your spouse or spouse's attorney.  (I've heard that any lawyer you have consultations with cannot be used by your spouse.  I don't know whether that is true or not, but something you can ask the lawyers about.)

A risk to your privacy is that your spouse finds your receipts, notes or billing statements.  Or gets hold of your computer browsing history.  Or that you "confess" seeking support and options during predictable late night interrogations.

You have a right to confidentiality and privacy, especially if the marriage is dysfunctional and failing.

Another thing to remember is that your spouse can't cut you off from existing health plan coverage during a divorce.  However, once a divorce is declared final (final decree) then the health insurance company will be notified and they'll probably send you a notice that your insurance through ex  will end soon and offer you COBRA insurance (full rate plus 2% for 18 months, as I recall) which you can accept or decline and look elsewhere.  But that's not anytime soon.  Our experience is that high conflict divorces can take quite a bit longer than standard divorces.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger?  One major point is that you need to have an experienced proactive lawyer, you need much more than a form filer and hand holder.  While you may end up with a settlement, it won't be easy to get there, you may have some big hearings and even trial which require a better than average legal strategy.

As for his life insurance policy, he probably can't change it during the divorce but afterward may depend on the terms of any settlement or order.

I'm assuming the children are grown and not subject to custody issues?

I have hired an attorney who seems to be very familiar with BPD/narcissistic cases.  I am also reading the book you mentioned.  Trying to be as prepared as I can so I will not have any surprises.  I am really hoping we can handle through mediation.  Children are grown but we have a large estate and that makes it more complicated.

Most divorce cases start with a temp order and then mediation attempts.

Try to get the best temp order possible, it could very well set the tone for how the case proceeds.

I emphasize mediation attempts.  Mediation does not have to succeed.  If it does then you may have to ask yourself whether you Gifted Away too much.  Typically an entitled or controlling stbEx is too entitled to agree to anything halfway reasonable.  For most of us we got settlements later in our cases after our spouses' entitlement met reality.

Courts and lawyers love settlements.  Judges don't have to make rulings and decisions.  They can't be appealed.  It saves court time too.  However, what courts and lawyers prefer probably isn't the best for you in the midst of a likely high conflict divorce.