BPDFamily.com

Hi all - I'm new here and have read so much, including the Kreger books. There are wonderful tips and help, but WHY do this to yourself? I have for 13 years. Now that I know it's BPD,, why would I look for tips on how to ignore, not engage, and tolerate?  I do love her so, and we still have one high schooler at home, so maybe in this case you might say those are the whys, but seriously, why would anyone choose to continue with this being their life? I'm sorry for all the BPs, but you only get one life this side of heaven.

I love him.

I have worked to radically accept the issues BPD brings to the table, to work on my codependent behavior that feed the BPD fires, and it has helped him improve overall.

For about 8-10 years, things improved quite a lot.  His current declining health has lead to some pretty rough months of late, but I still love him.  He hurts me, and BPD makes it far to easy for me to hurt him, but all relationships have hurt.  All have drama, stress, and pain.  And there are plenty of people without BPD who are not much better off as far as self-awareness and empathy go. 

I have invested 23 years into this.  We have no children/will not have children, for many reasons:  I don't want a child to grow up in a BPD home, and H dwadled so much as a young man we did not actually get married till children were no longer a viable option.  So it's just us, trying with our inverted temperments to make it through the world together.  We are a team.  A team with more issues than some, but still a team. 

I did some very serious thinking about 2008 - and even before knowing as much as BPD as I do now, decided that I was happier with him, than striking off on my own would make me.  Rages, inconsistencies aside, I know he cares.  I try to look at his emotions like the stock market - lots of big swings day by day, but there is an overall upward trend over years. 

But this is me - I have many reasons I stay, partly because I have a stubborn streak about giving up.  Others have a lot more violence, children, and other factors to manage.  Overall, even as distressed as I have been these past few months wi how turbulent things have been, I have no desire to leave, I just want a good break from ALL stress in my life, for like a few days.  Hoping after the 26h I get it. 

For me, I do love her.  But I know what the relationship will be.  If it weren't for kids, I would probably be gone but the kids are what really keep me.  Right now, I get to see my kids every single day.  If I divorced, I know that my wife will bring out every dirty secret about me that she can muster to prevent me from having any custody of my kids.  If I lost all rights to see my kids, that would be 100x worse than staying.  I know that the situation may not be what I ever want it to be but it's better than the alternatives right now.

I've actually been asking myself that question a lot lately. The only thing I can come up with is that I love him. I love who I thought he was when we met and married.

Then there's the FOG. I have less fear now. But I do feel obligation (I vowed to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health) and guilt (he's been very good to me in a lot of ways and has given me so much and done so much for me).

He talks about anger management and wanting to do better. In his non-dysregulating moments, he's aware of how his behavior and attitude cause problems. So I guess I have some hope it will improve. I'd hate to end it without giving him the chance.

Yet, sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. We have no children together. Only been married 2 years. I have a big, supportive family and friends. The verbal abuse. The walking on eggshells. The denying my own wants and needs to keep the peace. Is it sustainable? How long can it go on?

When we start to work the tools that are taught here, many (most?) of us find that there's a lot we can do (or avoid doing) to keep from making the situation worse, and to start making it better.  Yes, our pwBPD have a mental illness, but, especially in a long relationship, we develop patterns that feed into the dynamic.  For a marriage, especially a long one with children, I wanted to do everything I could to improve the situation before I was willing to consider an exit.  Even if you end the marriage, you'll be bound to her forever by sharing children, and your children may even exhibit some of her traits, so effort you apply towards practicing the tools will be worth it, regardless of what path you eventually take.

RC