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Met a successful and attractive female 8 months ago. She appproached me and was pursuasive in her words from the start. She would also begin to pull away after communicating the first night. I assumed she had internal low self esteem after alcohol, unaware of BPD. This push pull cycle went on for a few months for random and different reasons. I also knew she was in a long term relationship with another man, which she told me was failing. One night I saw her flirting with an ex boyfriend , so I had enough. Things were not serious at that point and our main contact was texting.

A week later she communicated and I told her my issues with the push pull cycles. We met again, and after a long discussion were were similar in a lot of ways, so I thought. Things rapidly progressed forward... We began seeing each other more often and the communication more frequent and intense. She rocked my world so to speak. She unlocked positive emotions I never knew I had. She said I was unlike any other she had met. The push pull cycles were infrequent. When they did happen I would be blocked and it felt like being hit by a freight train.

A few months ago she confided she was also in a long term relationship with a married man, mainly for sex. I walked away and foolishly came back with the words she wanted me to be the one.  After reading about BPD, I speculated she has undiagnosed high functioning BPD. She said she was in control of her life and did not see it as chaos.

She continued the I was the one message, and I foolishly believed her. For the last month due to her other continued relationships,  I would end the relationship almost weekly and then we would communicate again. I deflected the pain she caused me back to her. Communicating by phone became about it though. I was on her back burner. The other night I saw she was out with the two men she was seeing and a third one was flirting with her. I ended things at that point hopefully for good. 

This train wreck of a relationship brought about my own self awareness good and bad. Never thought I would have emotions like this, nor have I ever been taken advantage of (or hopefully ever will) for someone’s compartmentalized delusional needs.

hi Carson, and *welcome*

it sounds like in 8 months, youve really been through the wringer. im glad you reached out.

it was a hard choice you made, but given the circumstances, it must have felt like the only thing one could reasonably do.

how are you holding up? have you spoken since?

Thank you, no communication thus far. Hoping it stays that way. Trying to focus on the bad times rather than the good to help maintain no communication. Never imagined being and staying in a situation like this even for that long.

i think for a time, when theres a pull and we need the space to detach, that can help.

it might help to lay them out here with us. im sure lots of us can relate.

Never new what push/pull or detaching was until meeting this person. Now it seems like an addiction to drugs. Body rejects it, but mind says need the next fix. It is certainly not healthy for either.  Made the previous mistake of wanting to help her without being a savior.  Fell into a bit of a codependent hole. Now trying to maintain the N.C., hoping it helps me get out of the hole.

NC is a tool for detaching that can give us space to heal.

but like time, it wont do the healing. detaching/healing are things that need to be taken by the horns and engaged.