|
Title: Working from home - but she won't let me work enough Post by: Omega1 on December 18, 2018, 06:53:29 PM Another one of our issues - my work. She hates it, she thinks I make it more important than her. I know I don't set boundaries well with this either.
I need to work more hours than I do, but if I don't do school pick up, or go to the gym with her, or come downstairs when she comes home during the day - she gets upset and feels hurt. How do I get more time to work without feeling guilty and making her angry and hurt? Title: Re: Working from home - but she won't let me work enough Post by: Yellowpearl on December 18, 2018, 07:18:31 PM What kind of hours do you work? Is there a set schedule or do you work you're able to put in the hours?
Does she have any routine/set schedule? SET technique could be really useful here. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0. Basically can acknowledge her feelings and say something supportive by empathizing "when I work too much I can see how that upsets you because i'm missing out on xyz with you" Then say a truth that she could get on board with. "the sooner I get the work done, the more time I can spend with you" "i'd be much more relaxed after I get this work done and I like it when I can give you my full attention rather than when I have things on my mind" or whatever your truth is. Another tool that may be help is asking validating questions when she is expressing that she is upset with you. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0 "how do you feel about that" "when do you think it could be done" "did that hurt your feelings?" "what can be done?" Just to get through the hurt feelings asking those sort of questions may at least help validate her so she doesn't get as upset. Title: Re: Working from home - but she won't let me work enough Post by: Purplex on December 18, 2018, 07:45:21 PM Excerpt How do I get more time to work without feeling guilty and making her angry and hurt? You are right, setting boundaries and communicating them well is key here. This can be incredibly hard, since you both are used to how things played out so far: her expressing dissatisfaction and making demands and you giving in and conforming to her wishes. But this pattern is not helping any of you in the long run. You both agreed on making changes, thats great and you can find a lot of tools on this side to help you with implement them. Did you look into the page about setting boundaries and setting limits? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries What are your core values in this case? To assert boundaries communication is important. Excerpt She hates it, she thinks I make it more important than her. How could you use S.E.T. to bring this up with her? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0 Excerpt I need to work more hours than I do, but if I don't do school pick up, or go to the gym with her, or come downstairs when she comes home during the day - she gets upset and feels hurt. How could you formulate this concern using the D.E.A.R.M.A.N.-technique?https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0 Feel free to post your thoughts on this if you would like to discuss them! Title: Re: Working from home - but she won't let me work enough Post by: RolandOfEld on December 18, 2018, 10:55:03 PM How do I get more time to work without feeling guilty and making her angry and hurt? Hi Omega, as someone who was often blackmailed by my BPD wife into not going to work or coming home, my answer to this question is: you don't. What I mean to say that it is unlikely your partner's attitude towards your working will change. But you still have to work. From the school pick-ups, I gather you have kids? Having stable income is vital to survival and if her behavior is encroaching on that, you need to set a boundary by doing the amount of work you need to support your family. I know this is not easy. Among the things my wife did to get me to come home from work while she was a stay at home mom: shred my clothes and send me photos of it, threaten to abandon the kids, leave the house while I was still asleep so I had to stay home with them, constant calls to my office, threaten suicide, etc. How do you think your partner would react if you set this boundary? Sending you strength, RolandOfEld Title: Re: Working from home - but she won't let me work enough Post by: Omega1 on December 19, 2018, 08:32:05 AM This is ALL very helpful! I tried some of it today and it was a good start. I acknowledged that I understand why she doesn't want me to work, I said I also want to spend time with her today. I told her I want the time to feel good and for me not to feel pressured or stressed. So we made a plan that I will work 8-12, hang out with her 12-2, then work 2-3 (5 hours work). Not exactly a full workday, but better than her request this morning to hang with me until 12 and then I'd only work 12-3. (3 hours work).
She was good, said she doesn't want me to be stressed and worried about work. It was very positive and a good first step. THANK YOU So glad to have found this board. The most helpful stuff is getting 'talk tracks' and language ideas from all of you - I can read the techniques but it can still be hard to find the right words. Scripts can be useful. Title: Re: Working from home - but she won't let me work enough Post by: once removed on December 20, 2018, 03:12:57 PM The most helpful stuff is getting 'talk tracks' and language ideas from all of you - I can read the techniques but it can still be hard to find the right words. Scripts can be useful. with the communication tools, authenticity and sincerity are critical. the techniques are structures. they need to be personalized, or our partners will see right through it. it takes practice. |