BPDFamily.com

I have only posted on this site once and only because things have been pretty uneventful with my undiagnosed BPD mother until she sent me an email and my daughter a text message on December 11. We have had no contact with her since June. My mom and I have been LC/NC since August 2014 when things went downhill after me making a comment about my grandma and her driving. My mom has a history of writing scathing emails that tell me how callous I am, how I'm ruining my own daughter, etc. So the email I got was more of the same for me but the text to my daughter... .this is a new tactic. I don't want to buy into what she's saying but at the same time, she is talking suicidal thoughts in her email. I am having a problem with just not responding to her at all but I also don't want to open the door for any kind of back and forth conversation... .good or bad. This is the second or third time in the past 4 years that she has talked like this. The information about my dad, my parents were divorced 40 years ago. I was 3. There is no way in my opinion that I will ever have the same discoveries as she claims to have had. Not only that, to call someone a malignant narcissist is pretty huge. I am told that a person that is a malignant narcissist enjoys watching people in pain. I don't see that out of my dad but I sure do see that out of my mom. I see this email as projection and her still blaming everyone else for her problems and not taking responsibility for her own actions. I do believe she has some trauma in her childhood, but I don't think it has to do with my dad which is a whole other story that would take up all 16,000 characters :/

So my problem is, how to handle this email and text. I have blocked my mom from my daughter's phone and have not responded to either message as of yet. I'm not sure I should at all. I guess I'm looking for advice on whether or not someone else in this situation would respond and if so, what would you say? I feel like I am just going in circles with her as I always have. There is nothing I can say at this point that will do any good. She always finds something to throw back at me, no matter how careful I am with my words.

Here is the email (copy and pasted - edited to remove names only)
I’ve been seeing a specialist for all that has come down in our family. (We)You, me, your oldest brother and your father.) Memories of my marriage to your father has come to a head, I became suicidal and have been diagnosed with ptsd for which I am now undergoing treatment. I anticipate that you will not believe this but I have to take a chance that someday you will feel the need to look into this with a professional. Your Dad is a “malignant narcissist’’
This is a clinical term. This illness causes widespread harm in the people around the narcissist. You are affected in many ways that I can’t discuss with you, however if you ever decide to look into this, i’m sure you will discover the things I have. I love you (daughter), I haven’t been able to make sense of this until now. I realize this is going to make you mad as a hornet and you will want to lash out at me. Please understand, until you seek help I have to cut ALL ties with you which includes (your daughter). If I save myself there is hope that you will follow. If I don’t try to save myself I will eventually kill myself. Your uncle and (my husband) have been on suicide watch, it’s been devastating but we now have hope. I will continue to keep my email and text open. But as I stated last year, if you send one nasty email, texted or otherwise, I will block you permanently. I strongly suggest you find a counselor that is familiar with this and seek help for yourself. I have not talked to (your youngest brother) about this, he is having a final today. So I hope you will refrain from contacting him until after he has completed this. I love you (daughter), there is no way out of this until and unless you face it. I pray it doesn’t take a suicide attempt before you realize how serious this is.

Here is the text message she sent my daughter at 6am on a Tuesday morning (typed word for word):
Hopefully you will be awake getting ready for school. Grammy didn't send you an advent calendar this year because I didn't think you were interested in that stuff anymore. Papa and I love you very much and miss you. I know you love your Mom and Dad very much and you might feel torn when we try to stay in touch. We don't want to put you in the middle or make things uncomfortable for you. Someday, if you want to have a relationship with us we would be happy to have you in our life. We are not going to push you, or make you uncomfortable so I will not be trying to contact you anymore or force you to contact us. We know you love us but we also know you are in a very difficult situation caught between me and your Mom. Remember- we love you and will always be here. Maybe someday when you grow up and are on your own you will want to know us again. Have a wonderful Christmas and a great life.

My daughter was not in the middle of all of this until this text came through. I have been accused of telling my daughter all that is going on with my mom and I. She was 12 when this situation started. I sure am NOT talking to her about any of my problems :/ I'm also not sure the message that my mom sent to my daughter has really sunk in. I don't think she understands that she has been cut from her grammy's life. I've tried to talk to her. She's 16 and just doesn't want to talk about it. The only thing she has said is she doesn't know what to say to the text and she doesn't want a relationship with them after what they've said and done to her. She reluctantly talked about that and said whenever she does see them (my mom and step dad) that all they do is talk about themselves and don't really pay any attention to her.

I am heartbroken for my daughter as she has 3 grandparents in town and 1 out of town and only 1 of those grandparents gives a crap about her. I have been processing these messages for a week and a half now and just can't come up with the words for a response. I appreciate any guidance anyone can give me!

Honestly,

I don't think you should reply. My dBPDm has done similar things... .Doing so right now. If you say something that disagrees with her claims, she will be justified in her move. If you say something that agrees with her, she will also be justified. Both of these messages are a move to get you to react and then she is the center of attention again. That is what I am reading into both. The fact that that she is now saying such serious things to your child, that would infuriate me. My dBPDm did the exact same thing and I told her off, only for it all to blow up in my face. Now, I do not entertain any attempts and also have my teen son blocked from that.

Best,

Nen

Hi Nen,

Thank you for your input. I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation right now. I do agree that this is all for a reaction. Anything I say will be justification for her good or bad. I know that this would not go well if I do respond. I guess I'm realizing my biggest struggle with this email is the suicide talk. If I don't respond and she actually goes through with it, I'm not sure how I will feel. I honestly don't think she will but there is that off chance that she tries and succeeds.

The text to my daughter did infuriate me. It had me crying for a little bit. It was mean spirited and not necessary, even though she would tell you she had the best of intentions when writing that text. I knew if my daughter responded, she'd be opening the door for more texts with who knows what in them. So I just blocked her. Although like you, I have a few choice words I would like to say to my mom but I know I can't as it would all blow up for me too.  I've had to learn that the hard way myself :/

Thanks again!

WknOnIt

Hi and welcome back.  

I too would not respond.  There is not much there to respond to without getting caught up in conflict and drama.  Denying what she says will just validate/confirm her perceptions of you being against her and blind to the ways of your father.      

Chances are she believes every word she is saying and trying to convince her otherwise is not going to work.  I have found that people who use terms like malignant narcissist and cluster B are those who have read a lot of the junk psychology out there about personality disorders too.  Who knows what kind of confirmation and validation she is getting in her perceptions of this.    I don't get the feeling that she is frantically lashing out and trying to convince you here.  Yes, she wants you to see what she sees as the truth but she is acting with conviction here.  I am not sure how to speak to that or to someone who is convinced they are right.  Not without further drama or helping her become more entrenched in her own opinion.

Having said all that, it must be incredibly frustrating to read this message and the one to your daughter.  Hurtful too.  Can you stand firm in what you know to be true and your reality of the situation regardless of what your mother may say?  It is sad to see how she perceives things and can't see how she is projecting.  

Soory, I was writing when you posted your response to nen.

About the suicide:  I think she is referring to how she felt when with your father but now that she has 'come to see the light' she is better.   She goes on to say that she hopes you come to realize the abuse you experienced before it brings you to the point of being suicidal.

However, in case I am wrong, you can address that with a simple "I am sorry your are struggling so much.  I do not have the knowledge or skills to help you through this but I can call an ambulance for you".

Thoughts?

Thank you for posting. I had been falling prey to thinking maybe I was misreading the messages my mom was sending. But what my BPDm sent is almost verbatim to what you posted. I'm not sure what to respond to her either and haven't, but just got told that makes me treat her like she's not a human and makes me disrespectful. It's really hard because there is nothing I can say that will fix it and I'm busy with my own life right now... .I think we just have to breathe and take one day at a time and remind ourselves that we can't change them, but we can change what we allow in our lives so that we grow into better people that can address things for what they are.

id encourage you to post more, and not just in crisis, for several reasons:

1. experts will tell you a strong support system is critical
2. when things are in crisis, damage is often already done
3. in times of calm, you can focus on learning and building a steady approach to problem solving/conflict resolution, get feedback, make progress.

make sense?

Have you ever read the "Buddha and the Borderline"? My mother often threatens suicide. It used to worry me, but now, I understand it to be another plea for attention. However, I agree with Harri that this appears to be in reference to your father. Also, her communication with your daughter mentions nothing of not planning on being around for the future.

NEn