BPDFamily.com

As I've mentioned my previous posts, my dBPDw is absolutely 100% convinced I'm cheating on her (I'm not).

Short backstory: I had some very light back and forth with a girl online years ago while my wife and I were separated. Once we got back together, that light back and forth ceased 100%. Prior to our separation, I caught W having 3 separate emotional affairs with 3 different people online at various times in our marriage. Those times were wrought with sexting (saw one of probably many transcripts of that. Some things you can never unsee), and I highly suspect pictures (she denies, but an email I saw made mention of them, and I saw many VERY explicit pictures that were never sent or shown to me). 

Fast forward to now, W is convinced I'm seeing someone else, and all her "proof" is on very flimsy, circumstantial ground. Every now and again, she is triggered by something and she is sent down a spiral of actively believing I'm cheating. Which leads to long talks, crying, and all around unpleasantness. Being constantly accused of cheating when your not really takes an emotional toll. Each time the topic is brought up, or a side comment is made by the W, it just hurts more. For awhile, I used to get really defensive and argue back and all the things I know now, shouldn't be done. Once I learned the right way to handle it, I met these situations in a much more calm manner on the outside, but the inside I was raging.

A few weeks ago, at her pressing,I made mention that a few things she was doing were bothering me (just relationship stuff, not related to the cheating accusations). The mere mention that I could possibly have an issue when she is "killing herself to keep all her issues with me inside" made her make the conversation about the cheating stuff... .again. At that time, I was actually sick and really no condition to be having that talk, but I just sat and listened to pretty much repeat what she's been saying. She followed it up with, "I don't believe anything you say. I'm constantly second guessing you." With that, it was something I have said to her, that no matter what I say, she doesn't listen or even think about being true. After she said it, I guess just hearing her say that made me throw in the towel. She won. I listened silently as she spoke to 20 minutes. When she concluded with that statement, I just replied "I have nothing to say because you're not going to believe it anyway. If I speak, I look guilty defending myself, if I'm silent I look as if I'm in agreement to your you're saying. I'm dammned if Ido and damned if I don't." She agreed that was the position I was in. That conversation has lingered in my head since then.

A week or two later, at dinner time, I had asked W if she was going to be eating with the kids and I (sometimes she doesn't eat but I had asked her about a year ago that even if she's not hungry that maybe if she could still sit with the kids and I so we can be together as a family, it might be silly but it means something to me), she said no and she was going to do a few things then maybe sit with us. I was a little dejected, but outwardly understanding (its happened before, I get it, stuff some comes up). She asked if was upset, and replied no, it's fine. Which led to a conversation about that if it's fine, I shouldn't be disappointed (which I think I'm allowed to be disappointed but understanding), but I can't be both because it makes her feel damn if she does and damned if she doesn't, and wasn't fair. It took so much self control to hold my tongue about the hypocrisy (much like the hypocrisy of her past indiscretions and her false accusations toward me).

Lately, work stresses, marriage issues, my depression, the holidays, money troubles, parenting stresses, have been getting the better of me and have really put me in a terrible mental place. Several times a day I have mini silent mental breakdowns at my desk and fight back tears. I've told W that I haven't been a good place and I'm feeling really burned out, and each time was met with... .nonchalance. The complete opposite she expects other to react to her attempts at reaching out. I've learned to not lean too heavy on her for support, but some acknowledgement would be nice.

Last night, after an extremely bad work day, I was trying real hard to keep things light with W and the kids. We are super late on our Christmas shopping, so last night, we went to our bank website to move some money around to do some online shopping and a few charges were on the statement. They were 3 separate shipping charges (not unusual as my own runs a business that ships) billed to the city the girl I spoke to 3 years ago lived near. W didn't use the service on the dates posted and right there said I shipped things to that girl. I was blown away. After the day I had, and the my mental state in general, this was the absolute wrong time for this. I was very upset, went to the phone to call the service to check on the charges. She said, "put it on speaker", so she could hear (make sure I wasn't lying). It was too late as the billing dept was closed. W went on to do what she was doing, not making a fuss at all, and doing the overly nice passive aggressive thing. It was really irking me. I went into another room to calm down, but my son had done something to get him in trouble. I spoke him, he thought I was too hard on him and went to W to tell her. They came back together and and I talked to them about again. Son leaves the room, W asks what my problem is, I told her the accusations were the problem, and now this has to linger the rest of the night. Which led to her expanding on the accusations, I was getting upset and said I can't talk about this now and left the room.

W came to be a few minutes later and asked me if the kids have juice because they were going to bed, I got up and poured them juice because I was admittingly starting to crawl out of my skin and visibly upset , and on my way from one room to the kitchen, W is yelling at me that she didn't ask me to do that, etc. I kept repeating, "stop yelling at me". I got the juice, gave it to W and she continues on. I told her it was late and the kids need to go to bed, but she persisted.

Then I lost it.

I told I can't take this any more, and everything is cracking apart and she doesn't even care, all the things you expect with someone having a breakdown with the above issues, complete with punching my own head in the heat of the moment. I'm not proud by any stretch of that. All the while, she just stared. I told her to put the kids to bed. She did.

When she came back, I was sitting quietly by myself trying to compose myself and come back from a bad place. W suggested we stay in separate rooms for a few hours, without the slightest hint of concern.

The night passed by quietly.

This morning, I got to work, called the carrier service, and sure enough all charges were related to W's business, and the city listed was the billing location. I texted her, Good morning, and the the status of the charges. She replied an hour later that it still didn't make sense and she would speak to someone later. Then came a long text that she's come to terms that I'm cheating, and she's willing to "put up with it" and she wished I'd make more of an effort to be discreet. She said she's not going to apologize and that I can get mad and flip out all I want. And "I'm fine about it now. I was fine about it last night. I've made peace with it. Whatever." Then following that, a long text about how she's got a bad cold and so much to do today. Just regular stuff.

I waited a bit before replying because her blasé attitude about last night and everything it entailed is upsetting and invalidating, and I didn't want to go in hot again. While she might be fine with it, I'm far from it.

I replied later telling "she should call the carrier customer service for all the info and that I can't get into the emotional element of it because I'm so far from the right headspace for that. I'm sorry you're still feeling so sick. I know you have a lot to do today, maybe some dayquill will help for the day?"

An hour later, the response, "Yeah, no worries. I've got it."
that was hours ago, I have not responded. I don't even know how to respond to that given everything and I know that text was one upset at my reply.

I know I had a bad reaction last night, I know that. I've been on the other side of moments and whole nights with her that make last night look like a great day at Disneyland. It's like W strategically introduces these little elements of chaos in bad situations, watches it unfold, then calmly plays the unapologetic victim. And that's something I'm really losing my patience with. W can do and say what she wants, act out on emotion, yell, scream cry, and except nothing but understanding and support regardless of the situation. When the roles are even slightly reversed, she does everything she hates. The hypocrisy is astounding.

For the moment, do I even engage with her until I get home, just to see how she's feeling, or just leave it alone and walk into a mystery later?

I'm just lost these days.

Thanks for reading.
     

this is where SET can be most effective, or even an SETish approach like a "compliment sandwich". with a highly sensitive person, its hard to take any criticism, it is received in very black and white terms. softening it with a support and empathy statement, or emphasizing the positive can make constructive feedback much easier to digest.


black and white terms again. heres the thing: you were upset/disappointed, and your wife isnt a fool. theres no sense in hiding or understating it. theres a lot of sense in stating it diplomatically though, as opposed to "yes im upset", because she will hear blame, she will eat with you and the kids, resent you for it and probably make things unpleasant, youll pull your hair out and there wont be much of a constructive option. again, you want to emphasize the positive here. speak in terms of wanting to spend time as a family, wanting to spend time with her. id be light and upbeat, and id flirt.


it would. for the time being, it isnt happening. it could be that she perceives it as her being responsible and so she recoils. i have that happen all the time... .ill complain about something, and the person will think im blaming them or implying they should fix it. it may be that shes feeling resentful and disconnected in which case she cant/wont be of much support. that can change, and its usually good to state what we need, how our partners can best support us in clear terms. but lets assume for now thats not possible. in addition to your support group here, do you have friends and family you can lean on? a therapist?


big picture: people with BPD traits are inherently distrustful, and look for reasons to justify that distrust. while it can come and go, the more you build trust, and connect with your wife romantically and emotionally, the more this is likely to dissipate, or at least be less frequent.