BPDFamily.com

Hello,
This is my first post. My 19 year old daughter just attempted suicide for the 9th time (first attempt was at the age of 16). She’s fine health-wise, was in the ICU and was in liver failure but she pulled through and was just released from the hospital today. We’re exploring the possibility she is borderline, and she’s scheduled for DBT therapy in January.
I am remarried to a wonderful, patient man, but my ex husband is borderline/bipolar/narcissistic, etc. We are at a loss with how to live our lives. She doesn’t seem to be doing this for attention - her attempts are quite effective - we can’t believe she’s still alive. She’ll be 20 in a couple weeks. We can’t babysit her constantly and don’t know how to get her to stop attempting. Any thoughts, direction, or advice would be much appreciated.

Hi and welcome.  How heartbreaking that your daughter is struggling so much. 

Unfortunately I do not know how to get her to stop attempting either.  It is good she will be in DBT soon.  Did the doctors give any guidance or suggestions for what to do while waiting?  How about support for you?  Are you in therapy?  I am not saying that because I think there is anything wrong with you but rather because it is good to have support for you.  This is incredibly difficult.

We can help and support you as well.  Please do not underestimate the help and benefit you can get by posting here.  We have many parents who also have kids who have tried suicide.  Some have gotten better.  We all help each other here by sharing experiences, advice and what worked though each situation is unique there are certain commonalities. 

I hope you get comfortable and read an post in other peoples threads.  The collective wisdom is quite powerful as is the support.

Good for you for reaching out here too.  We've got you.   

hi MomAndWife,

wow. 9 suicide attempts. thats utterly heartbreaking.

we are glad you reached out. how are you holding up?

Welcome

Hi MomAndWife,

Like the others who posted before me, I would like to welcome you to BPD Family.

I can't imagine the heartbreak of your daughter's suicide attempts and am glad you are reaching out for support here.

~ OH

Thank you for the kind replies. It’s the first night with EM back home from the hospital and I’m not sure how we do this again. She had a counseling appointment yesterday and her counselor told me she shouldn’t be left alone. That’s pretty much the only advice we’ve gotten for ourselves. I’m not sure how we can go to counseling because of that, but I know we need to.

My other daughter is coming home from college today and we have some family things to go to. EM doesn’t want anyone to know about her latest attempt and doesn’t want  to go to anything. That means someone will have to stay home with her. I’m not sure how to do that. Do I fake being sick or something?. I keep telling myself to just handle one day’s struggles at a time, but it’s 4am and I don’t know how to do today.

Hi MomandWife

I join friends here welcoming you to bpdfamily, I'm glad you've joined us for support. This is heartbreaking, how your daughter is struggling, her pain. Like many parents here I've been through a number of attempts, hospitalisations with my DD and DBT and the support of the DBT team helped her turn this around, the behavioural training has become a way of life. I sincerely hope that for your daughter, there is help out there and hope.

I can't imagine how exhausted you must be? Yes, you are right the advice is take one day at a time and pack in self care. That's hard your DD not wanting to do, go anywhere, you do not know how to do today. What feels right for you?

Welcome again, you are not alone.  

WDx

I’m looking forward to her going to the DBT therapy. Thanks for the encouraging story. She’s was quite happy yesterday, cooking, laughing, getting a bunch of stuff done. Her counselor thinks she’s bipolar. It seems to all blend together.

Self care ... .? I really can’t think of any way to feel better inside right now. We had a two year break from suicide attempts and I thought everything was better. I’m struggling to find hope. I’m feeling really guilty because I stayed married to my kids’ father too long. He was extremely mentally ill and just wreaked havoc with their lives. Now they’re all young adults and it’s hard to watch their pain. EM is especially suffering. She wanted a relationship with her dad more than the others but he was/is incapable of love. She just feels she’s worthless. We’ve had great talks about it though. I think she’s making good progress. She loves her step dad and I think that could be a key relationship if she can let go of and learn from the past.

Hi.  I am glad she had a good day and I hope it continues.  There can be a lot of overlap in terms of behaviors and disorders.  Does she respond well to medication?

About self-care.  I can only imagine that it would seem impossible to focus on that give how much is going on and with your own pain and grief.  Sometimes self care can be as simple as reminding yourself to breathe.  So does taking a bath.  Something simple that takes you away just for a bit.

Hopefully DBT skills training will help her come to terms with her relationship or lack or one with her dad.  She has to grieve the loss and may just not have the emotional strength to do so.  I think DBT will help with that.

Thanks for the update and please keep posting.  I think we all tend to keep an eye out for everyone.   

Unfortunately, medication made her much more suicidal. During her junior year of HS, she attempted 7 times while going on and off many meds. Then she was taken off all meds and we got her on birth control. That seemed to stabilize her moods and things went well for two years. Then she took herself off the birth control three months ago and there have been two more attempts.

Thanks for the tip on self care

This is the core feeling of someone with BPD: "my feelings don't matter, therefore I don't matter and am unlovable."

How do you respond when she says things like this?

How have things been for you these last few days? It's great to hear your DD talks with you about how she feels and loves her step dad. Has your DD shared the reason she came off the birth pill? Meds is a journey, it's not for all, it took 18 months to get it right for my DD. Are they suggesting meds for bipolar?

I don’t know what to say to the question about what I say if she says her feelings don’t matter. She doesn’t really say that. She just doesn’t want to live because she thinks life is too hard to endure and her life won’t matter that much anyways. I’m never sure if I’m answering her right. I want to say what’s helpful but I honestly don’t know what that is.

She’s on a mini-pill because she honestly believes her problems are hormonal. She’s tried so many meds and they all made her more suicidal. She refuses to try anything else. She’s been back on hormones for a week now and she actually seems to be much happier and motivated. I guess time will tell.

I’m kind of falling apart. We have the name of a counselor now and will schedule an appointment. I just feel such a strong sense of wanting to protect her from herself, but she’s said I can’t hover or she’ll start to hate me. I’m pretty fearful most of the time. I walk into a room or see a shadow - get scared she’s attempted. It’s like ptsd. Nine attempts is just so much! I’ve found her or found out about them personally several times. It’s traumatic. I’m usually very level headed but it’s really hard right now. Then I don’t want to make it about me. I’m usually so happy but the last few years of this have taken the sparkle out of life.

It is traumatic and no wonder we end up with PTSD, symptoms. Have you been to the Drs? I'm glad you found a counsellor to add to your support group, support for you and your H is critical as is our learning how we can help ourselves.


Are you familiar with validating their feelings, when DD says life  is too hard to endure, you can respond 'yes life is hard', you are acknowledging her feelings, she feels understood. In DBT your DD will learn self validation.

 
1.11 | Validation Skills- Stop Invalidating Others  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0)

Do let us know what you think.
The tools and skills we learn here together are DBT based. And the first thing addressed by the DBT therapist is suicide attempts, suicide ideation.

While my DD was attending DBT I rarely asked her how it went, less she wanted to share where I listened, gave her space, validated, she had to own it. Likewise at the same time I was working hard here.

Is your DD familiar with self soothing?

So hard MaW, they've got to work this out and we need to trust they can. You said there was a two year break from attempts, what was happening in her life at that point?

Hang in there  

Hope.

WDx