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Every holiday is ruined because of the rudeness, ridiculousness and stress that the holiday brings.  This morning, I opened the door leading to the garage to find that the overhead garage door was left open last night.  I was surprised (I'm a door locker) and said, "Oh my gosh!  The garage door is wide open!"  I then spent 20 minutes being harassed, admonished and verbally abused about what a horrible person I am for using the word "WIDE".  I should have just said "open".  Apparently by saying "wide open" I was blaming him and exaggerating the blame. I should have put more thought into my words before saying such a thing.  

I just stared at him while he went to town.  Sometimes I just don't have it in me to say anything back. I initially tried to explain that it was just a surprised reaction because I didn't expect to see the door open and that had I THOUGHT about it, maybe I wouldn't have said anything at all. (Because I know better than to say anything that can be taken by him as being blamed).  But I ended up doing the staring routine until by eyes filled up with tears.  Now I'm just sitting here trying to find motivation in other people's posts, because I don't want to wrap, cook, decorate, or generally do another single thing.  Sometimes I hate him for ruining everything.  

   

Why stick around and listen to such things? 

FF

Hi Bee,

Your experience is the very definition of "walking on eggshells" around another person.  His reaction to your use of the word "wide" is simply bonkers.

I have no real words of wisdom to offer you but a big, virtual hug  

I'm mostly alone this Christmas and feeling a little bit sorry for myself but your post reminded me of some of the insanity I put up with for far too long with my ex.  While I miss having an intact family during the holidays, I don't miss his insanity in the least.

Warmly,
B

Hey BB83 

Christmas with my own uBPDw has always been full of triggers, “over the top and beyond the pale” dysregulations, nonnegotiable demands, projections, and endless ridged expectations (or else)... .

So after nine - ten years of being in a relationship and a marriage with her; I’ve grown to dread the holidays... .

And that’s not right, no it’s not ; (

But this year was the grand finale... .she moved out the weekend before Thanksgivng (long story)... .I have to be honest;... .I felt; and still feel great relief that this year... .and as well the following future years to come perhaps... .that I will be free of this stress, and incorrigible and endless yuletide demands that uBPDw (separated now) would impose upon me.

Yes... .’this one’ is going to be a “Charlie Brown” Christmas... .but it’s going to be about the season, and for once not about buying endless piles of Chinese exports in order to attempt to fill her bottomless need to correct what ever her core wounded self is demanding... .

Hang in there BB83,

And remember the real reason for the season : )

Red5

I could have written that myself... .every action of mine is interpreted as a threat.  Every holiday with him is mostly awful. He is able to suck joy out of every beautiful moment. The first few years, I tried to be me but it didn't work. Now, I haven't opened a gift in 5 years. This will be the first year I haven't wrapped one. We had a run of goof luck that landed us in a room with food and he can't even enjoy it.  I'm dreaming of a holiday without this drama. I hope the same for you.

Holidays often have common triggers for a pwBPD.  I suspect a lot has to do with their FOO.

For example, my uBPD/uNPD H grew up in poverty.  His father, likely uNPD, spent most of the extra money on himself and his hobbies, and very little on his W or children.  As a result, H spends very little on me and thinks he gave me a mint. OTOH, my FOO was different.  My F gave lavish gifts to delight my M, while giving considerate and age-appropriate gifts to me and my siblings.  

As pwBPD are unhappy people deep down inside, and most hate themselves, they do tend to be killjoys on holidays.  This Christmas eve was spent with my H pouting and criticising me.  But not to worry,  his adult children will drop by and it will seem like a bolt from Heaven came down. He'll take on that sycophantic voice reserved only for his children, and then hand out the expensive gifts.  I recall the times when they, as teens, taunted them for his desire to see them for visitation, and they suckered him for every penny they could, and then laughed at this.

BPDs dissociate and have poor memories so, of course, H has forgotten this.  

When H reflects on his dysfunctional family (uNPD F, drug addicted sibling and SIL) he projects his disappointment onto me. Blaming is such a cognitive distortion.  He will start picking at me, fault finding, and, yes, splitting hairs over words.