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My uBPD g/f just changed the xmas eve plans without asking me. We were going to do the whole xmas eve prep for santa (cookies etc... .) just us... but then her friend (the woman who was the girls’ nanny for the first few years(she just moved out a year ago) asked to stay the night with her husband. Her friend Jill is cooking dinner.

This is the second xmas i’m spending with them but my g/f and i are getting more serious. She is alwaysgivingme a hard time about not spending time withherand hergirls(though i see them every weekend). But whats really upsetting me is her text to me about this that jill had asked her if she and her husband could stay the night and be there in the morning to open presents with the girls.  She said to me “you willget upset because you dont like Jill overtaking our time with the kids”. I felt likeshe wanted me to feel her frustration that jill had asked (my g/f has a hard time making boundaries with Jill because Jill can be very direct and I think she feels indebted because Jill sonetimes watches her kids still).   How am i supposed to handle this? What am i supposed to say? I am so angry about this... she knew it wud makeme upset and she text’d it. She never gave me a say in it anyway... .

I feel like i’m not a priority. She even tried to tell me that i shud wait on my gifts to the girls for during the week. jill is giving the girls backpacks from them and wants to be there when they open them.  I also had bought the “santa” gifts (each is getting a doll and an accessory-not much because she is worried they will get spoiled-she told me what to buy themanyway from santa... ) my gift though to thegirks is a jewelrybox and a necklace from my mom’s jewelry(my mom died)... so this is a good way to pass on thejewelry...    i am so angry

I asked her if we coukd still do the santa cookies... she said thats my thing... and then a hourlateri text’d herand said “we dont have to do the sant cookies ... its a stupid idea anyway. “ i felt like it was going to beour night... last year the girls were with their father on xmas eve so this is the first xmas eve at her place.    I dont want to be the target for her anger but honestly she just lets joll take over all the time... and then she makes these passive aggressive comments...    i feel like everything we talked about for xmas eve doent matteranymore ... by the eay i didnt clarify that Jill is cooking xmas eve dinner... and she chose 7pm for dinner which i bet was manipulative -to make it late so of course she wud have to stay...

Can you help me withehat words to say... because my g/f is going to bring it up and say something like “i know ur upset about them staying... ”  but the thing is i think she is too and she doesnt own it

Hi lifeinthefastlane,

Your title asks "should I be upset?" - there are no rules for feelings; feelings just are and you are upset. I think most people would be and it's understandable that you feel that way. At the same time, what's done is done, so a better question is can you accept your feelings about this but still enjoy your Christmas?

You can talk with your partner about this after this holidays and try to help her learn skills to be more assertive with J. But it doesn't seem like a good time to go too deep into that conversation this side of the holidays.

For now, when she asks you about it and asks if you're upset, maybe see if you can gently guide the conversation round to her feelings about it (if you suspect that she's upset too)? That may help her to feel that the two of you are on the same page (that you both wanted to spend Christmas as a family with just yourselves and the girls) instead of getting her on the defensive. It will also help prepare a foundation for talking about setting boundaries with J at a later point. What do you think?