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I feel like I disappointed my bph for Christmas.  We are trying to downsize so I thought we were going to do a gift each.  He spent more on me and got me more than one.  He opened my gift last night so he only had his brother's gift to open this morning.  Then he said something about his unemployed other brother who didn't get anybody anything and got more presents than him.  He really didn't because he opened mine last night.

I just went back to work about a month ago and money has been tight.  I have been dreading Christmas because I knew it wasn't going to be as good as last year.  I also hate trying to shop for my bph since he isn't easy to shop for and he use to have a meltdown if it wasn't a good enough gift.  I spent a couple months last year shopping for him and felt really good about my gift to him.   I have this back of my mind sickening feeling it is going to come back and haunt me for my shoddy gift this year.  He likes it, but it wasn't really that good.

I am not sure if he will even get upset about it later on or if it's just because of past experiences that I am expecting him too.  I am not sure if I am overreacting, but I just don't feel good about this Christmas.  I am trying to decide if I should try to make it up to him by getting him something else and as a "just because" gift or if I should just let it go.

Anyone else feeling a let down after this Christmas?  I love the holidays, but hate the pressure of making it perfect and the after day let down.  Any suggestions to try to repair what I feel like was a cr@ppy Christmas for my bph?

Hi Frankee,

The pressure around Christmas can be hellish and can leave a lot of people feeling let down. I think many people here will understand how you feel.

Whatever it is that you gave him was given with love, I'm sure. That really is the important thing. I'm sorry if that sounds like a platitude, but I think it's a useful antidote to counter the media pressure to create unrealistic perfection - Christmas (whether religious or not) is supposed to be about love and sharing, not half killing ourselves to meet unattainable standards. I don't think you have anything to make up to him, but, if you wanted to buy a "just because" gift and can afford it, I think that would be a sweet and kind thing to do.

Hi Frankee, this to me sounds like one of those situations where you may have done absolutely nothing "wrong" morally, but did something that might bring you difficulty from a BPD partner. You were struggling financially but still got a gift and obviously put heart into it. But if it wasn't something amazing your BPH might feel invalidated. That about it?

So even though you really shouldn't have to do anything more, I can understand how you want to do something to improve the atmosphere. In the case of my wife before we were separated, a little bit of chocolate went a wrong way to getting her forgiveness (even though I'd done absolutely nothing wrong but wanted a peaceful night).

What kinds of gifts / actions tend to soothe your husband?

~Roland

He spends a lot of time watching tv shows.  Spends time in his truck, It's like his personal man space.  He likes old type stuff.  I think what I am most upset about is I feel like I should know what he likes.  Sometimes I am left feeling like I don't know what he enjoys at all.  Either that or I feel like I have to get just the right gift or it will flop.  Either that or I feel like I am not paying enough attention to things he says he likes.  That might be more of why I am feeling this way.

He hasn't shown any indication he is going to bring it up later.  If anything he has been supportive.  Mostly because we found out I have melanoma.  Right now it is only centralized in my lower back, but we have a scan in a couple weeks to determine if it had spread or not.

On top of that, I got hired on at my job at that hotel.   When I went to tell my food server job, they told me to take a hike, so we aren't going to get the cash from tips over the weekend like I planned.  Now a "just because" gift isn't even an option.

Maybe I am just overthinking all of this.  I agree that Xmas creates unrealistic standards and my past xmas's were better because I was able to plan ahead. He is doing better all around.  I guess I should just let it go.  I may not have been able to plan ahead, but I did put thought into the gift.

Hi Frankee,

I'm sorry to hear about your health and employment issues. I'm really glad that he's being supportive.


Yeah, I think you're right to let it go if he isn't making an issue out of it. I guess we nons can sometimes be so used to little things being turned into huge issues that we kind of become primed to expect it. I'm glad he didn't make a thing out of this and is being supportive towards you.

I think I have been conditioned to expect little things blowing up into really huge things.  I am able to start gradually letting go of that expectation.

I still have trouble bringing up certain topics because of how he has reacted so poorly in the past.  He's gotten better about discussing topics, but I stress over bringing them up.

My bph has self image issues.  We recently went out and had fun.  I enjoyed it, but I am not going to let it become a priority.  He mentioned when we went out last and asked if I work Sunday, I said yes.  I also mentioned again about how we need to catch up on rent, pay electric, and I have a doctor appt coming up.  I hope that us going out isn't going to consume him.  I know we have fun, but we have to be careful with our spending when we do. 

He enjoys being out with me and my girlfriends because it makes him feel like a p!mp.   Then he mentioned getting a weight bench, which we had discussed before.  I just feel he needs validation from more than just me with his value... if that makes sense.  He seems to feel like he needs that attention from external sources because it feeds into how he feels.  He knows I love him, no matter what he looks like or acts like.  Me giving him my attention, isn't enough validation it feels like.

I feel others will know what I am talking about.  The sense of self worth they seem to try to find from others.  I've accepted that my self worth is how I see myself.  I set the standards of how others will treat me.  I am enjoying feeling stronger emotionally and mentally.  If he regressed at all, I will help him because I love him, but I refuse to let him treat me as poorly as he did before or bring me down ever again.

He can ride with me on chasing our goals or I will leave him in the dust and pursue what I feel I need to do to succeed.

It happened today.  The backlash from my shoddy gift.  Well, our fight was about money and other stuff, but his only Christmas gift was brought up. 

I knew we shouldn't had gone out last Saturday.  But it was someone's birthday and my bph wanted to go out.  I said we have rent and electric to catch up on.  Even he was saying,  I will have to do this scrap and we only have x amount of dollars.  Well we spent more than planned and now we don't have enough to pay for everything.  We had a fight and I snapped.  I said where is all the money going? What is all of these charges in the account, I thought we had enough for everything.  I already know that if he says something about this weekend, I am putting my foot down and saying no, I don't care if it causes a fight.

So the lack of money led to him saying I don't care about his health and how he still smokes.  I got mad and said something and he got made saying there I go again, basing my actions on how he will react.  I said fine, I see another cigarette and cigarette pack, I am throwing it out after I destroy it.  He thinks I'm playing, try me.  Then we'll see about fighting about no money.

Then he brought up about me "throwing a fit", talking about last year when I quit my job and fled because he was severely abusing me, which he seems to have forgotten that was why I left.  I tried to reassure him I wasn't leaving, I was staying and that's why I am going back to school so we can have something better in life.

He also said on top of everything, now he has to worry about cancer, like he's the one that has it.  He's not the one worried every time he gets a bad headache or doesn't feel well.  He's not the one that worries everyone seems off.  He's not the one worried if the headaches are because it's reached his brain and causing the headaches.  He's not the one that will end up having a big hole cut in his back and his lymph nodes tested for cancer.  He's not the one worried about getting sick and how it may affect my daily living. 

I am crying, mostly because of the cancer thing.  I have an appointment on Friday and now I don't know if we will have enough to pay for my scan.  My parents already have given me money to pay for it and now either I have to ask another friend to borrow money or push back the appointment and lie to my parents. 

Having a hard time.