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I just reached out to my ex in a big way. I told her that I wanted to raise our Son together. Side by side. I just got home from dropping S4 off at his grandma’s. I

I really do want to raise our Son by his mother’s side. I told her that I’ve learned a lot and that I’m not going to stop learning until I’ve healed. I guess that this is where I leave her alone and await the response that tells me it’s really over.

Maybe this should be on Bettering. I don’t think that it should be. I think that this is me finally letting go. I made my final plea. I want to raise our child with her. I’m feeling a lot of pain right now.

I want my woman back. I want the mother of my child back. I want to bury my nose in her hair. I want to hold her. Maybe I’m being selfish here. I miss her.

You feel the way you feel and you'd like to have her back.

How she responds will tell you a lot.

These things are hard. Especially during the holidays.

   

Cat

This does not sound like letting go to me. At all. If I "reached out," it would be about not letting go, about trying to go back.

okay. so youve taken the step of communicating you want to get back together.

this leaves you with, i think, two options.

1. you can consider it a hail mary, last ditch effort, and if she says no, be prepared to let it go.

however, you have done that before.

2. with that in mind, i would consider option 2. i think getting back together is going to take more than a hail mary. there has been a lot of damage done, not a lot of healing, not a lot of cooperation in parenting.

i think if you want to get back together, youre going to need to play the long game. youve told her that youve learned a lot and dont intend to stop. but this is something she would have to go out on a huge limb to just take at face value. its going to take showing it, consistently, over a period of time. its going to take getting on the same page with parenting. its going to take repairing the relationship and rebuilding trust... .probably more as friends, first. even then, it could be a long shot, there may be too much damage and too much time passed.

what do you think? has she responded?

Maybe it is just the holidays, Cat. But I am really missing her. I shouldn’t be, but I am. The more that I learn I realize and understand who she is. I also understand and realize who I am. Why we came together, and why it didn’t work. I’m really stuck when it comes to her. I’ve felt real attraction towards other women for various reasons, but at the end of the day I can’t get past S4’s mom. I really love her. At least in the sense that I know love to be.

Spending Christmas with our Son was great. The yearning to be next to her to experience it together was overwhelming at times. He’s such a sweet boy. Beneath it all, his mom is so good. She’s a really good mother. Had I known the tools, I think that she and I would still be together. Included in that is my own healing. I didn’t know myself enough and I didn’t know what I was involved with.

or, #2 is definitely the route. I’m pretty sure that everything is done, but I let her know that the door is still open. No, she hasn’t responded. She won’t. At least not by responding to my message. If she responds it will be by physical means.

You’re also right in saying that I have to walk the walk. I have to show her my words. I don’t know what to do or. She’s the mother of our child and I feel pretty torn right now. I do love her. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I think that I just need to sit on it for a while. I’m glad that you chimed in.

The bond that is created between two adults... .a man and a woman, either married or not, when a child is conceived is almost beyond comprehension.

This is strong medicine this bond, “Star Dust”.

Having a child changes us, very deep soul changes.

This is why, in my own story; that I stayed until the bitter end in my first marriage.

This bond... .between a man and a woman... .a baby... .is very strong.

I completely understand JNChell,

We are right here with you... .walking along the path with you,

Be careful with your heart Brother, be careful.

I wish you luck, it would sure be a wonderful thing to see a complete reconciliation, it is not impossible... .but it is rare,

Stay your course, be mindful, and as well accepting what ever the outcome.

I will be praying for you... .and as well many others here who are reading your post tonight... .

Best wishes to you JNChell !

Red5
  

These hail Marys have not served you well, JNChell.

If you want to try and rebuild this relationship, you need to get on Bettering and do the work, slow and steady.

Red, I’m glad to talk with you again. It’s been a pretty soggy evening since dropping S4 off at his grandma’s. Blah... .

Things did change inside of me when our Son was born. Things were changing throughout the pregnancy. I remember laying on the couch together. She would slightly stimulate him and take my hand and place it on her so that I could feel him move. I saw his feet and hands pushing out. Why doesn’t it mean something to her in knowing how much those things mean to me?

Am I off base in my feelings? Have I completely sabotaged any chance at a family? Man, I just want everything to be ok. I want to comfort her and show the kids a good example. I love her and I’m having a lot of trouble in getting past that.

Skip, you’re right. The Hail Mary’s failed. They weren’t logical. They were desperate ploys. I just wonder if there’s even a chance anymore. I’ve reached out to her in a logical way. Is my best chance to just zip it until and if she responds? Maybe she needs to sit with what I’ve said for a while. Maybe she needs to marinate. I think that she will most likely bid me farewell if I even get a response. Regardless, I need to do this the right way and with grace.

i certainly wouldnt push, or double down. as you said, you communicated that the door is open.

next steps are both what to do, and what not to do, and both are probably equally important.

in terms of what not to do, you dont want to lash out, beg, plead, chase, any of the self sabotaging stuff from the past. also, if she does something vindictive or defensive, dont react, come here and get some feedback on how to respond or not respond. not doing those things, which on some level she has come to expect, over a period of time (relatively long) will likely lower her guard.

im terms of what to do, i think it boils down to "getting along", and i think right now, theres not a lot more you can do. be a cooperative coparent. be polite, be friendly, be reasonable. be someone she can get along with. it will only amount to so much, and it will probably not build any romance, but over time it will build a certain level of trust and safety, and you need that first for there to be a chance of anything more.

you will need the tools, especially the communication tools.

Thanks, or. Your wisdom is always welcomed.