BPDFamily.com

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Hi everyone, I ended up calling police last night.  I had nothing specific to tell police that would cause them to remove my BPD husband from the home.  But because I felt threatened so much and was so emotional over it, I called.  I ended up spending the night in a hotel.  My BPD husband said he would be moving out.  He says it will take a few days and wonders if he can stay in the house.  When I hesitated, he did say he will go somewhere to sleep for the next couple of days which I really hope he does.  It's so weird but I feel fairly calm about the whole idea that we are actually moving forward with this.  I do have a very aggressive attorney, thankfully, who also had a psychology background and has dealt with many BPD divorces.  She told me her case load is full of them.  Unfortunately, mediation will not happen until March but if my BPD husband is out of the house, that will help me tremendously.  Prayers for safety.  I am trying to be smart about what I do and aware of my surroundings.

Hi, l38. What prompted the call to the police? I’m glad to hear that you have a seasoned attorney.

He was threatening me and bullying and I just felt I needed to call them.  So they came and stayed while I packed a bag and went to a hotel...   He says he is moving out tomorrow.  I CANNOT wait.  I am just so exhausted by all of his bullying, demeaning, threatening remarks.  I have been recording them and he is getting worse and worse.  I think it probably shook him up that police actually showed up because he found a place to move to.

Do you think that the police intervention gave him an attitude adjustment?

I think maybe somewhat.  At least he has decided he needs to move out.  He tried to get me to agree to all kinds of questions about assets division.  I told him these are all attorney questions.  S

I hope so, at least he is packed and going to a new place tomorrow.  He had a long list of decisions to e made, most of which I told him were attorney decisions.  I told him the main decision for now is how we handle paying bills.  I don't think at this point that he has spent much money at all on his attorney and I am guessing this will get him moving forward with those decisions.  Hopefully, I have a head start with him.  Both attorneys have agreed to a mediator who is not available until early March.  He says that date will not work.  I told him he will have to wait.  As soon as he is out, I will be calling for all locks to be changed.

I am still struggling with the lack of connection with my children.  I keep being told that they all know better and once they are over the initial shock and grief that they will come around.  No matter, what in all of my life, I am for the first time deciding what is best for me.  I am 58 yrs old and this all feels so frustrating as I have literally given my all for family.  I am going to hope that the kids will all come around. 

I have foot surgery on Friday this week, and, although my BPD husband is offering to take me, I am going to let a friend take me.  I am no longer willing to be captive to him in any way.  This all makes me incredibly sad as I have loved this man for 40 yrs but finally, I am realizing that he really has no way to really love me.  He just needs me to fill a position in his life.  I really hope and pray he gets the much needed help for himself.

How old are your children?  What are they saying/doing that concerns you?

RC

They are really not talking to me much at all.  I understand they need their space and am trying to be ok with that.  I also know their dad is reaching out to them and it makes me sad that they will meet with him but when I ask them, it seems more often than not, something else comes up that we do not meet or we never get something scheduled.  Honestly, I believe that after having played the role of the one who kept our family together all these years that our children are just hurting and grieving over the loss of family as we all are.  They are my biggest concern along with grandkids.  I have encouraged the kids that it is 100% ok to have a relationship with their dad. 

Hi, l38. The situation with your children sounds extremely painful. You also mentioned grandkids. How many kids and grandchildren do you share with your husband? From your perspective, what has caused them to be stand-offish?

3 grown children, 2 who are married to good spouses, one single daughter, who is 30 and is our youngest.   6 grandchildren whom I dearly love and one grandchild that our daughter, who is 30, gave up for adoption and is now 7.  We are in touch with him and his adoptive parents which are good people.  I am realizing that our children are perhaps hearing some pretty crazy from my BPD husband.  I am just feeling so frustrated and hurt that they are now not reaching out to me.

My BPD husband moved out today, which I think is a good thing, although super sad.  I have surgery tomorrow and I need to take care of myself at this point.

What makes you think your children are hearing crazy things from your husband?  If they are, do you think they are likely to believe them?

RC

Hi Lonely38, good for you.  I am glad you called the police when you were feeling threatened.  My soon-to-be ex was verbally and physically abusive but I was never brave enough to call the police.  I feared retaliation and what the neighbors would think, and I think just having to admit to myself that he was abusive and doesn't just have a bad temper.

Just some advice about changing your locks, I would wait and get an order from the judge to give you exclusive rights to the house.  If it is legally his home too, you cannot change the locks without the court's ok.  I had to do this... .now my lawyer did say if I felt too threatened to wait, especially since I have my D4 at home with me, to go ahead and do it and she would tell the court that she gave me permission.  But definitely speak to your lawyer about it first if you haven't already.  Good luck!

So one of the many voice recordings I have is when my BPD husband sounds like he is building a case for me emotionally unstable.  In the recording, he tells me I have seeing 2 therapists (although I just decided to keep the one therapist as she is very good with calming therapy and gives me specifics on things I can say to our children and to my husband.

I have been extremely close our children and grands, so of course, this is all hurting me terribly.  My BPD husband is getting together with our children, mainly to justify himself.  He is also reaching out to friends, which I believe could a good thing. However, from what I hearing, he is sharing untruths.

I fully expected this might be the case with regard tp going divorce as he must be feeling abandoment issues.  With him having moved out, he is back to his kind self again.  He's texting me and brought me a sandwich yesterday after surgery.

I am not sure if he feeling relieved that is going to move forward with divorce, or this is facade roll to be playing to keep is public persona intact.