BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

I am writing after reading posts here for the past two days.  It has been a huge help and I thank you all for your selfless words of kindness and understanding.

After almost two years together, my ex abruptly ended our relationship via text on December 1 and that was the last I’ve heard from him.  Nothing. Done.  I have been a mess since then and only since yesterday do I feel I’ve turned a corner. His text basically gave reasons of being overwhelmed, not wanting to talk, not being able to be a good partner, etc: It was a very sad, apologetic text.  I thought for sure he would take a couple of days to think and reach back out. My family and friends got to know him and felt the same. He was struggling with his adult daughter raging all of a sudden and things were very chaotic so it made sense.  With the exception, of course, with the breakup.  After 2 years, I deserved more than a text and no conversation about it.  That much I knew.

The weeks leading up to the breakup he was seeming to slide into a depression. Slowly withdrawing, not saying much, seeing me less.  Having experienced depression before, I worked really hard to balance giving him space and letting him know I was there and that he was loved.  He mentioned the idea of seeing a therapist and I was very supportive of that and encouraged it when he felt like talking. 

He said to me “I’m sorry I haven’t been myself, not calling as much. Please don’t think it has anything to do with you. Just remember that I love you.”

He continued to withdraw, and after 2 days of not hearing from hit all, I texted him saying I understand that he didn’t want to talk but that his complete silence hurt. He apologetically stated that I didn’t deserve this treatment.  The next day was the breakup text which said  "Ugggh I've got to stop this relationship, Jill.  I'm sorry.  And no, there is nobody else.  I'm going through s*** right now that I can't figure out.  I  need to just do me for now.  It's not fair to you to be treated this way with me not texting or calling.  Trying to keep it together.  Everything is falling apart and I need a break from it all to get my head straight.  Please don't call after reading this.  I don't want to break down.  I can't take care of the one girl that means the most to me if my head is f***ed.  I'm sorry for not calling.  I just can't right now. I'm sorry." And that was the last I heard.

I had my third therapy appointment yesterday and she gave me some serious tough love.  It was one of those amazing sessions where I was bawling my eyes out, practically in the fetal position. 

The last bit of the breakup was 2 days ago when in the spirit of “moving on” I opened the dating app the ex and I met on.  Guess who was there with a recent picture and a little gr en bubble showing he was online.  Gut punch. But seeing BPD experiences here, he fits perfectly.  And I fit perfectly as the people pleasing non. 

So here I am.  Trying to learn and move on.
Thank you for reading.

Hi Jillery Welcome :hi:

it sounds like there is a lot to feel upset about and you are getting support now to work through it.

about him feeling depressed, can I ask if there were signs of it building up to this or did it take you by surprise that he felt he needed space perhaps at a time where everything else seemed to be ok? I ask because I can relate to being very much confused when my ex would push away, at a time where there appeared no reason to and I thought the r/s was going well. I hope things continue to go well with therapy it sounds like it is making good progress. Thank you for sharing with us.

Thank you, Cromwell.  Yes, the weeks leading up to the breakup, he withdrew and became distant.  I think he experiences SAD and was having issues with his adult daughter.  He said he was lashing out at him for some unknown reason, harassing him and he didn't understand why.  She would just leave terrible messages for him to the point that he had to block her.  He was very torn up about it, especially since it was the holidays and for the first time, she was not coming to his home for the celebrations.  Of course, this could all be a fabrication, but this is what he told me.

There were plenty of red flags early on, but I chose to ignore them.  Here are a few:

Early in the relationship, he seemed abnormally jealous/anxious about my fidelity. He said things in a joking way at first, but I could tell he really had that fear.  He blamed it on the fact that his ex-wife left him with three kids many years ago and so he had difficulty trusting.  Also, early in the relationship he told me about the physical and mental abuse from his step-father since infancy and the sexual abuse from 2 clergy members as well as from an uncle.  Of course, I took this as my opportunity to be the one, steady rock in his life.  The fixer.  I also was strangely flattered that he made it seem like I had men beating down my door for my attention.  He was very good at making me feel worthy, attractive, sexy.  I haven't felt those things in a long, long time.  In fact, I'm not sure that I ever did.  

Love bombing -- mostly with words, but also when he came to visit, he showered us with gifts  and dinners out and fun times.  There was plenty of down time too,  but the gifts thing was new for all of us, meaning me and my family.  I remember hearing a little voice in my head questioning this behavior, but he would tell me that I deserved to be treated like a queen.  That he know I was independent, and that fact was attractive to him, but he truly got joy from doing things for me.  He felt that it was his job as my bf to make sure I was good.  As a single mom, money is always a struggle, so he would convince me to let him buy a weeks worth of groceries and would not let me pay for any of our excursions, even when I could afford it.  I thought this was chivalrous, flattering and once I got used to it, I loved it.  

He would get very hurt if I showed the slightest annoyance at something.  About 4 months in, I was frustrated that he didn't want to see me as often as I wanted to see him, especially since we talked twice a day, kept very much in contact etc.  His words didn't match his actions, but I swept it under the rug.  He would say "it's not that I don't miss you, trust me, I do.  Just be patient with me.  I have a 5 year plan.  Please just be patient.  You are my everything.  You know that, right?"  So I didn't respond to a text one night (instead of sharing my frustration with him) and he basically freaked out, got very upset, wanted to end things.  I tried to call and he wouldn't answer.  He didn't respond to me for the next 2 days.  This was brutal and I was a mess.  For those 2 days, I struggled to restrain myself, but did send him a few frantic, apologetic texts.   I apologized for not responding, but also pointed out that I was allowed to have a bad night and not feel like talking, just as he did in the past.  After the 2 days, he called and apologized and said he realized he missed me and was just overwhelmed with work, that I didn't do anything wrong. 

I learned much, much later when I snooped on his phone, that during this 2 days he texted his gf the following:  "S, you know I'm a good man.  I will wait for eternity for you.  We are soulmates etc... ."   I don't remember the rest because it was so painful that I blocked it out.  Obviously we were physically together when I snooped on his phone.  He was in the shower at the time and I recovered from the gut punch and pushed it further down.  Told myself that was early in our relationship, not a big deal etc.  But it had only been a few weeks prior to my discovery that he had texted her again with simply "ugh".  No replies from her.  

From that point on, I only shared my frustrations with him one more time.  We had tentative plans for him to come see me on my birthday weekend, the details weren't set in stone.  When I realized he wasn't planning on coming, I got upset.  Upset for me though, was simply getting quiet.  He acted surprised and confused that I thought he was coming, when he seemed to feel like plans were never solid and instead had other plans with his adult son who was home from college.  He didn't talk to me for another 2, maybe 3 days.  I texted him, apologizing that I should've made it more clear to him that birthdays are important to me, and I should've made it clear that I really, really wanted him to come.  Ridiculous.  He should know all that. 

When I first began talking to him on the dating app, one of the first questions I asked him was if he had a driver's license.  We laughed about it, because it seemed I kept getting messages from men who had driving-while-drinking convictions, so this was now one of my first getting-to-know-you questions.  Much, much later I took a peek in his wallet and guess who's license says "NON-DRIVER IDENTIFICATION".  His son also mentioned something about it later on, and he quickly changed the subject.

He told me he hadn't had a serious relationship since his ex-wife 10 years ago.  I confess to be a FB stalker and went through his whole FB history.  He indeed had a long-term relationship with S a few years prior.  A few weeks before the breakup, he mentioned in passing that S was an exgf who had died in a car-crash.  Another gut punch I ignored. 

I feel so, so stupid.  Any like many of you have said, my mind knows what happened now, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.  I still cry, while not as much, still have heart palpitations, still no appetite, still racing thoughts.  This board has been a lifesaver.

Hi Jillery,

It is a lot to process, I know when I first came here it was towards the end of the r/s, and the feelings I had were much the same, so much to try and understand but at the same time, the emotions and the hurt were very strong.

You discovered things about him during the r/s but can I ask if you confronted him directly? Reason I ask is because from what I have learned about BPD, there is often a theme of inability to cope with shame. Stuff like having glossed over his previous relationship as well as not choosing to reveal at the opportunity in discussion about his drink driving record, these are the sort of things that can invoke a sense of shame.

Either way, for all the trust you feel you extended to him but then felt there was these question marks arising over his past and an inability to be fully open and honest by way of witholding stuff - sort of lying by omission style - its painful to experience and can feel as if trust was one sided.

this emotional pain that is what we are having to go through is like hitting our thumb with a hammer, it is a shock and usually excruciating but will ebb down as we come to terms with it. It was difficult when I went no contact, I felt those palpitations and my sleep had became non existent, but what helped was getting some space not only to reflect but to relax and find time to say "its ok to forget this for a moment and do something else". I use to just go and lie down for half an hour, it was difficult at first but in short time I noticed I could learn it was ok to relax, there was not going to be another drama text to interrupt and daily living on heightened anxiety. I realised just how important stuff like that is to escape a bit and wind down.


This board has been a lifesaver.

im glad you reached out and by sharing what you have been through helps so many others that are going through it alongside, sounds to me with the support you have in place with therapy and here, you are off to a great start to unpackage some of the confusion and get your strength back up.  

Hi again Cromwell,

Thank you again for your comments.  To answer your question, no I didn't confront him with any of this.  He doesn't know that I know any of it.  I foolishly didn't want to rock the boat and was so head-over-heels for him that I chose to ignore it.

How do I know that he's not just a jerk who was too cowardly to dump me properly?  That's what I struggle with.  At the very minumum, I can say that I know he is emotionally stunted, but you usually have an idea that someone is not into you, right?  Him having BPD traits and being emotionally unavailable to anyone is an easier pill to swallow then he was just "not that into me."  Tell me I'm not crazy and that this is more than a typical breakup.  I've had plenty of bad breakups and a divorce, but this feels like something totally different. 

It gets better over time but to be left like that, I think you should try to get face to face meeting with him.

I myself was left using a phone (BPD person) and I never got a chance to talk with her. Like cromwell said, they can't face the shame and it is easier for them to swipe it under the carpet. I think this is one of the main reasons that I'm hurt still because she could not face and talk to me face to face after she broke up.

This maybe double edged sword though... .it may not be wise to contact him because he may hurt you more. Everyone says, NC is the medicine but I don't know... .

One thing is for sure, you'll get better in time. Hang in there!

Thank you, Toughluck.  Hearing that it gets better from someone who's actually been through this feels so good. 

I've thought about a face-to-face many, many times.  I think he would lash out and I would be even more hurt.  And I wonder, but what could he possibly say, if he actually spoke to me and gave me honesty? (Two things that I doubt would even happen.)  But if so, what would he say  "You're right, I'm an a**hole."  or "I just wasn't that into you."  even though he told me I was his everything, his heart, his soulmate just weeks prior?  At this point, nothing he could say would be trusted anyway, but even if I heard from him, I would probably go back right now.  As stupid, and wrong is it is.  I have been preparing myself to just continue to NC if he contacts me.  But I probably shouldn't worry about something that may never happen, right?  On a positive note, I've only cried once today.

If you have prepared to be in NC, please continue! He does not have anyone else, which means he will most likely experience some tough moments in the very near future. Therefore, he may contact you... .But you shouldn't think about it. Concentrate on yourself. Because if you wait him to contact, you'll be in the mess that I'm in. I can't let go... .

Let the time pass and take your time to grieve. Eating, sleeping, working out and forcing myself to start a new hobby was my tools to uplift myself.

After you feel somewhat steady, then you are ready to decide what you really want. Now you miss him, that is why you want him back. When you see the picture more clearly, you start to think, do you really want that kind person to your life?

Thank you, Toughluck.  Letting go is so very hard.  I miss our routine of talking every morning and every night.  We conversed so well that we got to the point where we could grunt at each other and the other would know what we are feeling.  Humorously of course, but I was finally starting to feel confident with him.  Like I could be myself, or at least the most myself I have been with anyone in a long time.  The way he made me feel when things were good will be a tough act to follow.  I used to tell him that he ruined it for other men if we ever broke up.  Wishing I could take that one back now, among others.  Particularly the texts I sent after the breakup where I was hoping he was ok, always here if he needed me blah blah.  I was distraught with worry that he might be suicidal. And there he was dating, or at least talking to new girls online. Ugh. Onward and upward. 

I know, those warm moments are a drug with a BPD person. You feel so connected and you start think that, is this really true and is this possible that I'm so Lucky to be in love and be loved in return like this... .

But you also had the moments where he  act like he did not give a *amn. Small lies, manipulating, outbursts out of nowhere.

Now I've learned that if it smells and looks like *hit, I do not have to taste it to be sure. I run as fast as I can if someone starts to abuse you. It is way too late when you are in love... .

Hi Jillery,

It is so hard to let go. The speed of change and the sudden ending makes it so difficult, like you were never given the chance. I've been there so I empathise fully. Then twice I have agreed to a face to face meeting, and twice my ex has pulled out. I am learning to not take her actions personally, knowing she would have done the same to anyone else. Going through things we said or did in the r/s is also very understandable, but without prior knowledge of a personality disorder, it is impossible to have done differently.

I had a 4 month relationship, and now split for about 10 weeks. I am getting stronger, learning so much on here, and starting to feel like my old self. I am still in love, and I feel compassion for my ex. I don't look for any interaction with her online etc. I have had a few cordial emails and left it at that. With the knowledge I have gained I would like another opportunity, but I need to get much stronger if ever that was to be successful.

Bottom line, this is a tough journey that begins with you feeling like you have become the vulnerable child with a damaged self image. It takes time to put that back together, but know that you are not alone.

Luan

hi Jillery, i want to join Cromwell and Toughluck and say *welcome*


sometimes it can be both... .

immature people do immature things. in my case, i emotionally and physically withdrew from the relationship, and so my ex eventually went elsewhere... .neither of us had it in us to make the hard choice to end it, and our actions were logical, but not ideal consequences.

obviously, he has been going through something, and hasnt handled it the best.


it is something different. its the loss of a huge emotional investment, that must be grieved and mourned. as Toughluck told you, things really do get better.


when i was going through it myself, it felt like the ultimate rejection (i struggled a lot with rejection as it was). that feeling that you can be free to be yourself with someone, and have it accepted, validated, and loved, is a powerful feeling. to lose that feeling can feel like losing those qualities in yourself. it really hurts, and it can take a lot of effort to rebuild it, but rebuild it you can, far stronger than before.

we have an article here on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD that describes the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. some of them were a bitter pill for me, but did lead me to greater understanding, and detachment. it begins with this:


youll get through this Jillery. we will be here to help every step of the way.

Thank you all so much.  Your words help me more than you can know.

I'm almost afraid to say it, but I think I've turned a corner.  I feel like the anger and confusion are leaving and are being replaced by sadness for my ex, but in a good, healing way.  Now that I know what happened and am not totally bewildered, I can see how this happens to people who don't get what they need in those first few years of life.  My ex on the outside was as tough as nails -- tattoos, muscles, the whole nine yards.  But inside he is just a scared little boy that wants to love and be loved so badly, like we all do, but in his case he knows deep down that it can never truly happen.  Ever.  Heartbreaking.  I wish so badly that I could have loved it out of him, but I know, really know now, that I can't.  No one can.  At 46 years old, he needs serious professional help to even have a chance at normalcy but I know he is nowhere near even admitting he has a problem.  What's worse, is that he now lives with the parent who neglected him the most.  Her health wasn't good so he moved her in.  She's now fine physically, but watching the two of them, and knowing what I know now, wow.  He can't even escape it because she's there constantly.  So yes, feeling sad for him, feeling sad for me and what I THOUGHT I had.  But not panicked these last 2 days.  It feels good.  Thank you for reading. 

Also, I want to add that I've been hearing a song on the radio lately that is so incredibly powerful but it is **VERY TRIGGERING**.  But for those who want to get some tears out (I find that helps.  I call it "driving and crying".  I grab some tissues and just drive and just think and listen to songs (of course after a breakup, every song seems to apply) and sob.  I find it very cathartic.  It hurts, but afterwards I can breathe again.  So here is the song... .have some tissues handy:

Flora cash - You're Somebody Else
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdPh2cBTN0

Inspiring to read how you have figured out these things already ...

Keep on pushing forward!

Thank you, Toughluck.  I credit this forum and you wonderful people, as well as my friends and new therapist who is not afraid to help me dig very deep. 

With regard to this forum, I have been on a few others and this one is just so wonderful in comparison.  My best friend is trying to detach from her NPD husband of 25 years and I sent her here as it seems NPD and BPD overlap in a lot of ways. Does that make sense or does anyone know of a similar NPD forum?

Thank you all.

this is a good place for someone with an NPD loved one, or any impulse or mood disorder, or general emotional immaturity.

Thank you, once removed. Much appreciated.

Update on where I’m at.  I only had a slight misting of the eyes, but anxiety seems to be ramping up.  Partly because I am slowly admitting to myself and others all of the red flags I saw as well as those that I missed but now see in retrospect. Things just keep popping up and this is starting to feel like a suspense thriller.  I am feeling creeped out that I let this person in my life, around my family and friends etc. The more I read, the more I would guess he will contact me.  Next month, next year,  who knows? But he will and it will be cunning.  My plan is to stay NC no matter what but worry that will infuriate him and honestly that scares me a bit.  It feels a bit like paranoia and that I’m being irrational, but also still creepy.  Now that I realize how I was manipulated, swindled, lied to, I just keep feeling how amazingly good at this he is.  I have a degree in psychology and always considered myself quite self-aware.  He had this way of seeming to know what I was thinking just by looking at my face.  My best friend of 35 years is the only other person I felt could do that with me.  It’s just all so fascinating, sad, weird and again, creepy.

On a positive note, I took some book suggestions from members, mostly about self-love and trying to focus on that when I want to take a break from this BPD nightmare.   I am starting with Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.  I am really enjoying it so far and it is a nice distraction from thinking about you-know-who.

Has anyone else felt that paranoia I described?

you were with him for two years. did you have reason to be fearful of him before?

Now that I’m reflecting, there was some emotional fear there.  I found myself frantically trying to find my phone if he was calling so as not to upset to him by missing his call.  I didn’t share my frustrations with him or the lies I discovered because I knew I would get the silent treatment.

He served jail time in his 20s for drinking and fighting (and who knows what else) and has often said he is not afraid to go back if it meant protecting me or my family from someone.  I never condoned violence but again saw this as chivalrous.  At the very minimum, he has some serious anger issues.

As you’ve all said, there is just so much to process.  I feel like my mind is blown every day either by something I read or realize or just the way the sadness hits me in waves.  It’s so very exhausting but yet here I am at 3 am unable to sleep.

Bad days come and so the better days. The frequency of them just gets longer. The possibility of getting those bad days is minimized if do something that makes you feel good. But I think it is also crucial to be sad also because of the process of getting better

My ex on the outside was as tough as nails -- tattoos, muscles, the whole nine yards.  But inside he is just a scared little boy that wants to love and be loved so badly, like we all do, but in his case he knows deep down that it can never truly happen.  Ever.  Heartbreaking.  I wish so badly that I could have loved it out of him, but I know, really know now, that I can't.  No one can.  At 46 years old, he needs serious professional help to even have a chance at normalcy but I know he is nowhere near even admitting he has a problem.  What's worse, is that he now lives with the parent who neglected him the most.  Her health wasn't good so he moved her in.  She's now fine physically, but watching the two of them, and knowing what I know now, wow.  He can't even escape it because she's there constantly.

So, if ur like me you want to save the little boy and heal him. From the above, you say you realize you can't. But maybe you can channel that "need to save and heal" energy into saving and healing the little girl that's inside YOU. Your odds of succeeding are probably much better. And if it takes a long time to heal and you feel like a loser because they moved on so easily, it's maybe because you CAN make deep connections. Give yourself a break. The world's full of hurt. Good bless.

would you say you were operating on adrenaline for a lot of the relationship?


what are you reading?

Thank you, Euler2718.  I like the thought of being kind to myself and saving the little girl inside me.

Once removed, yes there did and does still seem to be a lot of adrenaline involved.  And I am reading this forum and BPD articles and everything sounds so very similar to my situation.  That’s the part that’s blowing my mind.

Each day is getting better but the waves of sadness hit hard and fast.  Much less often though.  I even caught myself humming today not once but twice!

Working through the articles here, and the recovering BPD woman’s experience with love really touched me.   https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

I sent it on to a dear friend who is very knowledgeable about PDs.  I explained to her that I want to believe this is my ex’s experience, whether accurate or not.  It helps because I believe he has so much good in him.  He did a lot of selfless things, even when no one was watching.  He did his best to be a great Dad for his kids.  I saw them together and the love was real.  They truly enjoyed spending time with him and he was very generous with his expressions of love: hugs, words, money, time.  He was always making sure they had what they needed as they left the nest. 

My dear friend, who met my ex several times, responded with such kind words that I thought I would share them here as they can probably apply to all of us.

“I truly believe that is true. I believe it true not of just a few, but all. I don’t believe any of them make a conscious decision to live like this. Most, I’m sure have no idea they have something. It’s just the way they are and the people they pick. And as you know, they genuinely believe it’s other people because that’s what they learned/lived as a child. They know no different. It’s very sad indeed. To think how easy it is for any of us to get mad or hate someone or be hurt by them, pretty easy.
A child, doesn’t have that reasoning. So, I do believe he really liked/loved you as best he could. For whatever reason, you, the ones before you and after you threatened his intense love he did feel. He reaction is as natural to him as his heart beat.
So, in closing, yes, a guy that hot did (and will again) think you are hot and amazing! That part of him isn’t broken. Love bombing isn’t a choice either. It’s what he knows, feels. He doesn’t/can’t know or do different. He’s not evil. He’s an abused child in a man’s body that will be this way most likely the rest of his life. Hopefully helpful. I love you and am soo proud of you!”

Jillery  :hi: , 

You are in the right place.  I am so glad you posted your story and I had to laugh out loud because the flora cash song is the one that ALWAYS makes me think of my exBPDbf!  (and I too have an emotional moment)

I have been processing a cold hard sudden break up for 8 mos now.  My story is very similar to yours.  I was with him for 3 1/2 years but it was on again off again throughout.  The pattern was we would have a good 4-5 weeks and whammy!  He would go black and white with me so off for 2 weeks.  Why did I stay?   It is fascinating how we can become soo attached to them.  That's what happened to me anyway.  I felt like I could be myself around him.  I felt like he "got" me.  He was part of my tribe. We really were like minded in a lot of ways.  And it wasn't the mirroring thing with him because this was stuff he did before we met. There was a special connection.  I think their ability to be so vulnerable with their emotions and expressing them is what did it for me.  But it just can't sustain itself due to the disorder. 

The sex was a bit edgy and exciting.  I have read that sex can be used by a BPD for different reasons.  Mainly to control their partner. I can see how that was true for me.  This was an eye opener.  After awhile, once the honeymoon phase was over it was difficult for him to take it to the park so to speak. He could no longer control me so our sex life was suffering slightly.  It was still good though. 

I really needed your post today.  The process has not been linear for me as grief is not that way so I have good weeks and bad days or moments. 

It was really really hard at first.  I was depressed, didn't want to get out of bed, couldn't sleep, obsessed about the relationship mainly.  It was intensely painful at times.  Double down crying. 

I like what was said in an earlier post about detaching physically and emotionally.  It really does require both. 
My exBPDbf was a cuddler and I have never been with someone who enjoys that as much as he did.  So I had to detach physically as well. 

It DOES get better with time.  You will make it through this.  Feel those feelings and let them go! 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

  Tsultan

i like your friends attitude.

detaching is hard, and there are all of the various stages of grief. it gets better. we reach a much better place.

Thank you, Onceremoved.  I like her attitude too

Thank you, Tsultan.  I’m glad my post was helpful to you.  It helps me to know our situations are so similar.  I still have that song on repeat and it helps me get the tears out. 

You are so right about how our exes seemed to be so open emotionally, and maybe they are abou certain topics.  I remember when we first started dating, feeling like it was so refreshing to meet a man who I didn’t have to wonder how he felt about me.  Dating is so full of those questions and in my experience, men in general don’t like putting their feelings on the line so early on.  With my ex, I knew how he felt about me early on.  I never had to ask or wonder those initial questions: “what are we to each other? Are we exclusive? Do you really like me or is this just sex or something to keep you busy?”  That gave me the confidence to truly allow him to love me and accept his love.  I can finally start to admit to myself now that I am indeed loveable, just the way I am.  I could not have said that before my ex.

I’ve also been thinking about writing a letter I won’t send about the positives in our relationship.  How he helped my self esteem so much and gave me some of the confidence that I was so lacking and still do.  I don’t want to end this with anger in my heart.  I want to thank him for what he did give me, even if I can’t tell him directly.  Somehow I feel it will help.

More early morning thoughts... .

I copied this quote from a BPD article after I read it and it made me realize my ex became very different on his birthday.  “And periodically you will [feel love], but only to cycle back to the hater [stage] when you least expect it, possibly on his birthday, or your anniversary.”

I didn’t see him on his bday but that was the last day I spoke to him on the phone.  It was in the morning on a weekday.  He woke up grumpy and apologized for being so.  He ended the conversation sooner than usual and said he was going to go back to bed to try to get rid of his foul mood.  As he was often moody, I didn’t think too much of it. We had plans to celebrate that weekend.  3 days later he broke up with me.  I never got to see him or talk to him again.  

I know everyone makes choices but I feel better if I’m able to blame the BPD (and my abandonment issues that made us a “perfect” match) for why our relationship didn’t and can never truly work and why he seemed to have these impulsive emotions.  And ultimately why he ended things.

Morning Jillery

Would it be ok to post up the link to the article please it seems interesting topic.

how did you feel about him on your birthdays also, did he change much from the norm?

Thanks

Good morning, Cromwell.  Here is the article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and on my last birthday I was getting the silent treatment for the second time from him.  I didn’t hear from him at all that day and probably the day after.  By the time he reached out, I was so happy to hear from him that I didn’t mention it until much later and only in passing.  So, you’re right, when I don’t hear from him for this bday, it will be just like last year.  Nothing to miss!  Thank you for that reminder and insight.  Makes me chuckle

Thanks Jillery, was interesting read.

my ex (I dont like saying this term) but also dont like "the ex" either

whatever she was, I had been NC for 5 months, Christmas, New Year, my birthday passed by. Then on her birthday - and somehow I have even prepared mentally for this, she turned up drunk.

Im not sure about my experience on my birthdays when we were together, on the one hand I look back and I thought she did all her best to make it amazing for me. But I cant escape looking back and seeing it as a bit of narcissism traits going on. It felt as if it was not really about celebrating a birthday but celebrating that I was her favourite object and I was to be congratulated to be born for that purpose.

maybe im just reading too much in to it, but there is definatly something peculiar about these events. The bit in your article ties in with my thoughts of many things in general;

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

It does feel very much like not much of anything that ever went on, even I thought at the time, was about me. I got all of the above and a bit triggered by the one that goes

"that was the best ever for me" - its literally the last thing before I blocked her the actual words were "those were the best days". At least in the article the statement ends with "-for me", the way she spoke regularly was almost (was?) brainwashing. Wel I never validated that one, and when I did speak out and say "well, my best time was something else" - id get punished for not fitting in to her script she was machinating.

Jillery, there is a mountain to look back on and piece together if that is what helps, and it has helped up until a point of gaining some theories. But i feel what has opened my mind was to be reminded of so many times where I had in the r/s got those instinctive intuitive feelings that "somethings not right here", but I couldnt make sense why, so just brushed it aside.

I guess can only do so much sweeping until the day comes start to notice a problem and that is what ultimately happened. I notice something similar in your stories so far, that there were those moments you were unsure but you decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. It can feel in hindsight of being foolish, it isnt - its a sign of being a trusting person and it is not a loss to you in the long run but the person who took advantage of that trusting nature.

A few people have said to me stuff like "oh at least you were idolised, I was treated like %hit" and ive felt at times that maybe I handled the r/s well because of stuff like lots of attention on my birthday and good times. It was fools gold. The reason she did this was because she was tuned in that I was one foot out of the r/s since the day I suspect she cheated. If there were good times it was just to keep me hooked in, nothing more and it is in some ways harder to mentally accept than if I would have been treated with the disdain and contempt she otherwise felt.

it was always, all, about them. and that applies to anyone encountered beyond us - so it helps to depersonalise it, a bit at least.

I got a cake on her birthday that she impromptu turned up for . But it was my own way of celebrating that she was gone and how strong I had been not to contact her. These events can be triggering for us but we can make the extra effort to not let them, Im really pleased that you said this birthday was better or at least that you are not missing anything it sounds like whilst there is emotional upset youve really got your skates on to piecing together what happened I think that if you havent already tried, a journal helps to write down and look back at how feelings change, I wish i would have done this at the start but my mind wasnt in a journalling state. i recommend it if you feel able to Jillery.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Cromwell.  The birthday thing is very fascinating.  I’ve also read that NPD tend to ruin holidays.  

I made it through his bday and all the holidays, but getting a cake for her bday for YOU was a great idea.  Are you also the person who suggested writing a letter to the SO, adding postage, dropping it in the post, but leaving the envelope blank? I like that idea as well and may still do it.

With regards to journaling - this forum is now my own personal journal. I feel free to express my feelings here, and the feedback aspect is so tremendously helpful.  So thank you all for being my journal.

Jillery, 

That is a great path to take.    Looking at what lessons are learned and not becoming resentful.  Letting go with love.  I have heard it said that resentment is like drinking a poison intended for someone else but if don't let go of the resentment we end up drinking the poison ourselves.

I truly believe the untreated BPD person is doing their best with the tools that they have.  I do feel sorry for my exBPDbf and I want him to heal from his childhood wounds.  Some of that is for selfish reasons so that maybe we can have the relationship that I thought we could have or wanted it to be.  But, it's not in my time, in HP's time.

Thanks for sharing your story!

Tsultan

Thank you, Tsultan.  If only I could be as compassionate to myself as I am to the ex.  As the red flags and realizations pop up, I am fighting the urge to get mad at myself for intentionally being so blind.  Realizing that the 2 major intimate relationships in my adult life were with partners with personality disorders is a tough pill to swallow.  Realizations about my childhood keep coming up too and while overwhelming, it does help to know that some of my coping mechanisms are a product of my upbringing - not just that I may be an a**hole.  I am seeing my T this afternoon and looking forward to it as last week’s session was so powerful.  I haven’t cried in days, so I am still seeing progress.  

As my mind processes all this stuff and I continue to ride the emotional roller coaster, I find that it helps to keep track of probabilities  vs. “what-ifs”.  Here’s what I have so far:

1.   The reason the ex was able to end our r/s so abruptly with seemingly no sadness is because on his end, it wasn’t abrupt at all.  He had been considering this for awhile and already had the next person lined up.  Therefore he bypassed most of the pain.  What I thought was depression the weeks before the breakup, where he pulled away and limited contact, was actually him spending time and energy with the new person.  Again, none of this is confirmed, but based on what I’ve learned, it’s very probable.

2.   No matter the specifics, his issues as well as mine are what allowed this dysfunctional r/s  to continue as long as it did:  The choices I made in the r/s need to be addressed and improved upon or I will end up in another dysfunctional r/s.

3.  I have these urges where I check the dating sites every few days to see if I’m really ready to start conversations with new people.  I’m so not ready, and end up hiding my profile.  This struggle is the Non version of #1 above.  Sitting with the pain while intentionally not dating is hard.  There is a real desire to frantically find someone new to numb this hurt.  The difference between me and the ex is, I feel bad holding myself out to people as “available to date”, when in reality I’m not yet.  I’m going to sit with this pain and learn from it, even though it hurts like crazy.  It’s best for me and best for anyone new in my life.

4.  I miss what I thought we had and who I thought he was.  I miss the fantasy, and that’s ok.  It’s understandable to those I explain it to and it will get better with time and internal work.

5.  He is very badly broken inside.  I can’t imagine him even admitting that fact to others, much less getting help for it.  Therefore, his r/s pattern will continue.  Just as mine has.  But I am determined to break my pattern and get to the bottom of my abandonment issues.  

That’s what I have so far.  Each day I am getting closer to accepting that the r/s wasn’t real in the way that I thought it was.  His behavior started the fantasy but mine kept it going. There will be no reconciliation, no romantic gesture where he tells me he’s done the hard work and is ready to love me properly.  Thoughts of our r/s will likely bring him shame.  This is why I won’t ever hear from him again.  I am dead to him.  When we nons  say things like “it would be easier if SO had just died”, that’s what I believe the BPDs do to us.  And they are successful, at least temporarily.  But pushing down feelings and lying to ourselves only makes things worse, whether BPD or non.  

These are my early morning thoughts today.  Thanks for reading.

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